As Time Goes By

In addition to the dementia that has stolen my mother's short-term memory and left her in a state of almost constant confusion, she has recently been battling health issues and I have felt the many miles between us most keenly. If she were within driving distance, I would be able to visit more often and possibly stave off her difficulty with recognition. Alas, my parents selected Florida for their retirement, and although they are closer to friends and colleagues (many other Salvation Army officers), we kids are scattered across the countryside (IL, KY, IN, TX, and WI) and don't get the chance to visit them as often as we'd like. I was privileged to spend several days with them last week and had a lovely visit, if difficult at times.

One difficulty was the shock of seeing how much my mother has aged and shrunk since I saw her last. Here is a photo of my mother and father outside their Florida home, taken several years back:

I wanted to make things as easy for them as possible, so instead of having them retrieve me, I paid a shuttle service to take me from the airport to their door. Arriving (in what must have seemed "out of the blue" to her), she paused and seemed quite hesitant for a few moments, but did, in the end, know me. I could still tell, however, that my arrival was stressful for her. It disrupted her routine existence and set her on edge. I arrived in the evening and when I came out to the front room the next morning, she was as startled as she had been the night before.

That second day was a Wednesday, and on Wednesday mornings they attend a women's meeting at the corps (the Army term for church building). She grew quite agitated when she learned that I would be accompanying them. She quietly tried to express to my dad her concern that she wouldn't know how to introduce me. However, once we arrived and were seated at one of the tables, she calmed significantly as I introduced myself and even recognized several individuals I already knew from the past. She relished introducing me to her best friend, Helen, and Helen and I had delightful discussion while we ate a lunch together at the close of the program. My mom put ketchup on her burger, but accidentally swept her arm across it and got a ketchup stain on her white sweater (her favorite white sweater, I learned). From that point on, she discovered the stain, with wonder, numerous times and we patiently repeated the explanation (it was very hard when my dad had to wash the sweater and continually remind her why it was in the wash).

My photography skills leave much to be desired, but here is the best current photo I snapped of myself with my parents during the visit:

She has lost a significant amount of weight (was vomiting frequently and experiencing pain all over, but especially in her back - a CT scan revealed she has kidney stones, so that will have to be dealt with and hopefully, she will gain back some of the weight).

We returned home and my dad was eager to watch some episodes of the British series "As Time Goes By" with me. My mother spends a good deal of her time focused on completing jigsaw puzzles and playing Solitaire on the computer. I was able to encourage her to sit down at her piano and play a few things for me (she struggled when reading music, but played a few from memory without flaw).

By late afternoon, it was time to head off to Bible study, Songsters and Band. She came up to me and said, "Well, it was nice to see you; now we have to leave" (indicating she wanted me to go). When I told her I was going along to the evening activities at the corps, she grew intensely distressed and didn't want me to go. I offered to simply stay back at their house, but my dad insisted that she would calm down once they arrived at the corps. Again, I think the chief source of her agitation was her fear of the necessary introductions.

Dad was right and she was calmer once there. He introduced me and I joined right in with the activities (they even unearthed a horn for me to play in the band). By the close of the band rehearsal, my mom approached with tears in her eyes and exclaimed that I was amazing and she was so proud of me.

I discovered that my siblings have provided my parents with several photo books to aid my mother's memory. It was great fun to look them over. I fought jealousy for their expert photography skills, but I was absolutely blown away by one of the albums, made by my sister, Dawn. It contained a myriad of photos from our past (some photos I had never seen). I was so drawn to them that I attempted to take my own photos of her photo album - ha!

Isn't this the most unflattering photo you can imagine - myself wearing a football helmet and pads, holding my protruding Buddha belly - ha!

I love this page because it shows a great photo of me with my mother!

Every kid has to have a bathtub shot, right? This photo (and several of the previous ones) shows the close bond between us three oldest. At 18 months apart, we were stair-step kids and did everything together.

I was perplexed at how Dawn had access to all these old photos. It turns out she had visited once and took photos of their photos (in boxes). Of course, my photos of her photos of their photos - well, bear with me!

On Thursday, my mom seemed to feel more comfortable with my presence. By Thursday evening she was already mourning the fact that I had to leave. She wanted them to drive me to the airport and we had the same conversation multiple times explaining that I had a shuttle coming to get me (almost as many times as the conversation asking where I live - poor thing).

Alas, Friday morning, I woke to a text saying my afternoon flight had been cancelled (possibly due to the president's visit to Indianapolis that afternoon). I re-booked for the 7:45 p.m. flight and was actually really glad it turned out that way. I was able to accompany them to the hospital and sit with my mom while my dad stood in various lines to pick up the CT scan images required for her Monday doctor appointment.

All in all, it was a very sweet visit. I was touched by my dad's patient, long-suffering care of my mother. I was thrilled to have time with her before they make a decision about how to proceed with the kidney stones (we fear she might have to have surgery and the anesthesia might increase her decline). There were a few moments of intense agitation and angry tirades (mostly linked to confusion - she answered the phone once when my dad didn't hear it because he was blending up a nutrition shake for her, and when she couldn't understand the caller, she began to scream and slammed the phone down - hopefully, it was a telemarketer - ha!).

I'm sure a time will come when my dad has to place her in a home for more extensive care, and that will be extremely difficult for both of them. She does best when she is in her zone of normality at home (although she said over and over how much she loves going to the corps). The past is gone - as those pictures attest. Our way of life has changed and will continue to alter even more, as time goes by.

Book Review: Candy Cane Murder

I have been bemoaning the dearth of clean reads in audio form. Then I remembered Joanne Fluke's Hannah Swensen series - although formulaic and growing tiresome (why I stopped with the series before), always a clean option. In looking to see if my library had the next book in the series available in audio form, I discovered this small novelette I missed in the line-up. The last book I read in the series was book 10 - Carrot Cake Murder - and I read that almost two years ago.

At only 148 pages, I should have known Candy Cane Murder would be "murder light." As the book opens, Hannah is attempting to squeeze into an elf costume to accompany Wayne Bergstrom, in his Santa outfit, to entertain the children. By the end of the evening, following a trail of candy canes that have supposedly fallen from a hole in his pocket, Hannah finds his corpse in the snow. True to form (or formula), Hannah and her sisters investigate, and Hannah solves the case before the police, putting herself in harm's way with the killer. This book left out the whole issue of Hannah's decision between two suitors (the only draw keeping my waning interest engaged).

Joanne Fluke released the 24th book in the series in February of this year (not sure how she's managed to sell two dozen repeat story lines with a condescending and out-of-touch sleuth). If cozy mysteries are your thing and you can put up with the formula, then Hannah Swensen is your girl. If you are dying to find new recipes while you read, Fluke offers plenty of items to bake (this novelette offered a dozen recipes). Or if you hail from Minnesota, you might recognize your trials and tribulations within the pages. You are certain to find a wholesome read with a light-hearted case of murder. I can access books 11 through 13 in audio form at a nearby library, so I will continue the series, even though I know the upcoming books will not solve the mystery of which man Hannah will choose. I'm not ravenously interested, but will persist nonetheless.

Book Review: Northanger Abbey

It takes skill to write good back-cover copy. The words must tease and entice. I thought this description of Northanger Abbey succeeded:

"When Catherine Morland, a country clergyman's daughter, is invited to spend a season in Bath with the fashionable high society, little does she imagine the delights and perils that await her. Captivated and disconcerted by what she finds, and introduced to the joys of 'Gothic novels' by her new friend, Isabella, Catherine longs for mystery and romance. When she is invited to stay with the beguiling Henry Tilney and his family at Northanger Abbey, she expects mystery and intrigue at every turn. However, the truth turns out to be even stranger than fiction."

Ooh - so many enticing words: "delights and perils ... await her," "mystery and romance," "beguiling," "truth ... stranger than fiction." Sadly, the promise fell flat. I declare I must not be a Jane Austen fan. The knock-off novel, Longbourn, with the story of the servants in Austen's Pride and Prejudice household offered more reading pleasure than this sad audio journey. Indeed, I only continued listening because, as a classic, I knew it would not contain questionable content. I didn't hate it, but I certainly didn't love it either.

I felt no compassion for Catherine Morland as she complained about her lot in life and the troublesome terrain of social niceties. Her woes were trivial. Horrified at a turn of events that made her look unsociable, Catherine is beside herself with anxiety and terror. I understand that as a period piece it must reflect the sensibilities of the time, but I was not hooked by the tale at all. I had hoped to listen to Pride and Prejudice next, but now I am not so sure I will gamble on another Austen book. My only consolation was that it was a clean read.

Book Review: The Night Olivia Fell

Christina McDonald's debut novel, The Night Olivia Fell, presents an intriguing premise and contains a significant moral against deception and infidelity. The police call single mother, Abi Knight, to tell her that her teenage daughter has had an accident. At the hospital she learns that Olivia fell from a bridge. Although the girl is brain-dead, they must keep her on life support because she is pregnant. Yet, despite bruises on Olivia's wrists, the police fail to investigate. Abi wonders why they are not investigating and sets out to unravel the truth. But truth is a rare thing for her. Indeed, Abi has hidden the truth from Olivia as much as Olivia has hidden the truth from her mother.

As debut thrillers go, it was a gripping story. I enjoyed the opportunity to walk a mile in someone else's shoes and to ask myself the difficult question: how well do I know my kids? The premise fully hooked me, but the two-dimensional characters and predictable actions were disappointing. The author kept me guessing, however, and I was wrong in several suppositions. In the end, for me, the mother was too clingy, the daughter too duplicitous, the background story predictable, and the ending unsatisfactory. Still, it was an engrossing tale with great potential. I think this author holds promise if she learns to paint her characters with a broader stroke and avoid stereotypes (wounded, controlling mother, quietly defiant daughter, power-hungry politician, etc.).

Book Review: How to Stop Time

This book club read, How to Stop Time, by Matt Haig is thought-provoking. It offers a philosophical premise: what if certain individuals were born with a condition that made them age at a slower pace than the rest of us, so they lived for centuries instead of decades? Of course, scientists would be eager to study them, to discern how to slow aging and increase longevity. It sounds ideal, doesn't it - a chance to live longer?

Tom Hazard (with his truly hazardous life) appears to be in his forties. However, he was born in 1581. If you are different, others are sure to notice. Thus, Tom watches his mother, tried and convicted of witchcraft, drown because of his secret malady. Everywhere he goes, to get close to another individual means to put their life in danger.

The story weaves back and forth from the present (Tom is working in London as, no surprise, a history teacher) to the past, full of intersections with important figures. His life has been long and colorful. In ordinary circumstances, he might even have grown tired of living, but Tom's circumstances are not normal. He is on an endless search for the daughter he had to abandon for her own safety before he learned she too lives long. Now, determined to find his daughter Marion, he aligns with the Albatross Society, whose primary rule is "never fall in love." That rule seems impossible and might even be more dangerous than helpful.

Tom, standing outside time, has the perfect opportunity to reflect on time. Many passages discuss how humans repeat history, how the past affects the present, how advancement comes with drawbacks, how little we control, and how music is an anchor. Tom asserts the modern adage, "no matter where you go, there you are." He says you will always live "within the parameters of your personality. No expanse of time or place could change that. You could never escape yourself." He, like those of us with normal lifespans, is searching for life's meaning and purpose. But he is handicapped. As he says, "I have been so many different people.... I am a crowd in one body." My biggest complaint was that it took him so long to find meaning or purpose and he whines constantly about his affliction. In the end, the most telling idea the book raises is this: If time were not a factor, how would you live?

Book Review: Ten Years Later

In Ten Years Later: Six People Who Faced Adversity and Transformed Their Lives, author Hoda Kotb provides stories of remarkable individuals who overcome tremendous odds. Each profiled person experiences tragedy that, through an unexpected turn of events, leads to triumph. These six biographies show how a specific moment in time can shift and change your life.

Amy Barnes struggles with her weight. After surviving an abusive relationship, she turns a corner and tackles her weight issues. Lindsay Beck will not allow her cancer diagnosis and relapse to hold her back from having the family she desires. Patrick Weiland has it all until drug addiction threatens to take it away. Diane Van Deren refuses to let her epilepsy keep her from achieving her athletic dreams and goals. Ron Clifford's story details his brush with death and the extensive loss he experienced on September 11th, 2001. Finally, Roxanne Quimby trades her subsistence living for a business plan that launches her product into the mainstream and allows her to offer her children far more than she imagined.

I had intended to skim this book for research, but I was so drawn into the first and second stories that before I knew it, I had read the entire thing. The only section I wish I hadn't taken the time to read would be the lengthy chapter on the runner. She seemed self-absorbed and unaware of the impact her decisions had on her husband and family. Although, since it made me reevaluate my priorities concerning personal goals, I suppose it was beneficial. Kotb's key question lingers with the reader throughout the stories: "What if you, facing a game-changing event or decision right now, could see ten years into the future?" These stories bring hope to those in despair and remind the reader that what is happening today is just part of your story, not the end, until your final breath.

Book Review: My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry

My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry seems a mouthful and a convoluted title. Yet, it provides a fitting description of the heart of the story within this book. Elsa's grandmother sends her on a scavenger hunt to locate and deliver several letters to her closest neighbors, friends, and relatives, conveying her sympathies and apologies. In fulfilling this task, Elsa not only gets to know those around her, but comes to understand the purpose and meaning of her own life.

I loved the opening lines:

"Every seven-year-old deserves a superhero. That's just how it is. Anyone who doesn't agree needs their head examined. That's what Elsa's granny says, at least."

Indeed, the book is full of superheroes cloaked in the outward appearance of fragile, dysfunctional lives. I thoroughly enjoyed it and read ravenously, only struggling with the fairy-tale element. Although I have several friends who adore such stories, I've never been interested. Thus I skimmed over those passages until I realized they provided clues to her life; then I paid more solid attention and appreciated how the location names held great meaning and the characters interlaced with reality.

The pacing was perfect and provided just enough clues to lead you into the tunnel before breaking through to daylight. I enjoyed the quirky characters: poor, precocious Elsa; feisty, firecracker Granny; well-intentioned, organized Ulrika; frazzled, emotionally wounded Britt-Marie. I loved how the characters' lives intersected.

So much to ponder! The dilemma of sacrificing the needs of one to meet the needs of many. Death bringing new birth in the amazing cycle of life. The overwhelming power of grief. Tragedy touches every character, whether wounded by war, internal demons, jealousy, inadequacy, grief, infidelity, etc., and Elsa struggles to understand her place in the world. She must discover how to go on without her chief protector. The puzzle pieces fit together neatly and make a stunning, comprehensive picture. In small ways, I could relate to each individual trial. I finished the book with a sense of awe at the fragility and resilience of humanity.

Readers who adored Fredrik Backman's bestseller, A Man Called Ove, will find another Backman title well worth pursuing. For individuals who failed their own children but received a second chance with grandchildren, this book will hit home. It will appeal to lovers of fairy tales and parents of awkward children. Every reader will relate to something within the book. I could certainly relate when Elsa viewed all the books in the psychotherapist's office and proclaimed, "Did you ever hear about the woman who read herself to death?" - Ha!

Book Review: I'd Rather Be Reading

Blogging is like attending a special art party, where all the people in the room connect through their love of a particular artist. When you find the blogging niche you most enjoy, you can often find other bloggers who share your passions. I love the friendships I've made through blogging. I can think of a slew of women I don't actually know, yet they feel like true friends because their blogging interests provide a sense of kinship. Through blogging I met Catherine of A Spirited Mind and joined her in-real-life book club. I made friends with other mothers raising sons, like Lucy, who blogs at Life is a Spasm Who Flow (you must check out her blog to make sense of that title) and Amy, who blogs at The English Geek. I think it was through Catherine that I discovered Sheila of The Deliberate Reader, and through Sheila, I heard of Modern Mrs. Darcy (although, I can't say I've been a regular visitor there).

I'm sure when I requested I'd Rather Be Reading: The Delights and Dilemmas of the Reading Life from my library, I had no clue about the author, Anne Bogel. But when I sat down to read the book, I was delighted to see it was written by the creator of Modern Mrs. Darcy. Although we are a fair space removed (kind of like that parlor game, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon), I wanted to claim her as a blogging friend, as well. Indeed, she speaks of just such a sentiment in her book, when she created a bookshelf specifically for friends who've written books and extended the category to authors she'd like to have as friends.

The book is sure to delight any bibliophile as she outlines the common maladies we face (like all our holds coming in at the library at the same time) and the shared euphoria we feel (being first in line for a long-awaited sequel in a series). I loved the size and shape of the book (perfect for gifting), along with the bookshelves adorning the cover. I loved the name-dropping of titles (most I could relate to; several I may have to add to my own endless to-be-read list). If reading is your thing, join Modern Mrs. Darcy in contemplating what makes reading so special.

Book Review: The Circadian Code

Having recently devoured The End of Alzheimer's by Dr. Dale Bredesen, where I first encountered twelve-hour fasting, this book by Satchin Panda, PhD, sounded like a supporting work. I am determined to give the recommendations outlined in both books a joint effort to see what results might come. Bredesen's protocol is a ketogenic diet with a twelve-hour fast. Panda recommends creating a time-restricted eating (TRE) window of twelve, eleven, ten, nine, or eight hours. His ideas encourage the reader to align behaviors to match the needs of the circadian rhythm.

The Circadian Code: Lose Weight, Supercharge Your Energy, and Transform Your Health from Morning to Midnight is a fascinating look into our individual body clocks. So often diets and health plans focus on what you consume, while this book shows it is equally important to focus on when you consume. The book encourages readers to seek the best time of day or night to eat, sleep, exercise, work, and learn. Panda argues that you can avoid certain ailments and super-charge your body and brain by following a strict schedule. If you learn to follow the rhythm of your body's circadian code, you will align for the best health results.

The book raised many sensible points. Both physical exercise and time in the sun will improve your sleep. "A change to any of the three core rhythms - sleep, timing of food, and activity - can affect any one of your organs." He encourages you to address snoring: "Mouth breathing reduces the amount of oxygen that goes into the brain. That also puts the brain in a hypoxic, or low-oxygen, state, which can increase the chance of getting dementia and various brain-related problems like memory loss." (I have taken up his suggestion to use Breathe Right strips at night and have found it improves my sleep.) Stick to a schedule of regular mealtimes. The book claims "TRE reduces the drive to make and store excess fat, improves fat burning, normalizes cholesterol level, and reduces inflammation." And finally, "You can maintain a robust clock and preserve your normal brain function by following four simple habits: sleep, TRE, exercise, and the appropriate exposure to daylight."

Even beyond attempting to narrow my TRE window, I have been recommending the book's advice to my boys and my husband. I read aloud bits of the discussion about screen exposure before bedtime. I encouraged my boys to spend more time outside in physical activity during daylight hours. My biggest struggle has been convincing Trevor to stick with a strict sleep schedule that doesn't alter on weekends (that boy loves to sleep until noon on Saturday mornings). But, then again, teens have a natural need for more sleep. (I think I don't mind the sleeping in, as much as the staying up late).

This was a fascinating read and I recommend it to anyone who might be interested in attempting to lose weight without necessarily cutting favorite foods. Besides reading the book, you can sign up to take part in a 14-week research study using his app: mycircadianclock.org. It sounds easy to use. You take photos of what you eat and record sleep and exercise times. In this manner, you will not only recognize your own circadian rhythm, but will provide valuable data for further research.
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Follow-up: I limited my eating time to a twelve-hour window (between 7:15 a.m. and 7:15 p.m.) for two weeks (between St. Patrick's Day and the boys' spring break - one reason I gave the TRE experiment a break). I didn't alter my diet, apart from having a salad for lunch most days, and I might have fared better if I had. After two weeks, I lost not a pound of weight - groan. Indeed, I had difficulty sleeping (of all things - nothing on my mind, yet I tossed and turned and woke repeatedly). Crazy, that following the circadian rhythm disrupted the circadian rhythm. Moreover, I struggled with waiting for my coffee at 7:15, when I normally drink it upon waking between 5 and 6. So, while I leave this review as it was when I first wrote it, my enthusiasm for the approach has diminished. I will try it again, paired with the ketogenic flexitarian diet Bredesen recommends at a later point. For now, I'm enjoying spring break and eating whenever I please.