Davis' first chapter addresses the core problem. "Care tasks are morally neutral." So often we think the state of our home reflects our goodness as a person. Davis is quick to point out, "when you view care tasks as moral, the motivation for completing them is often shame.... You are not a failure because you can't keep up with laundry." And, as she points out, "No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health."
How freeing to realize my tendency to feel paralyzed, unmotivated, and overwhelmed stems from personal shame about the state of my home. Someone else may easily follow the mantra of "put things away as you go," but it all depends on one's individual capacity and what challenges or barriers you face. Her suggestion to give one's self grace opens the door to freedom. She encourages the reader to "set a timer for the smallest increment you can stomach," because momentum builds momentum.
These challenges of individual capacity are so clear in my marital relationship. My mother-in-law, bless her, always considered me a tremendously lazy slob. Productivity was her god. She was type A and cleaning was her jam. My husband can be just like that. His organizational skills far outpace my wildest dreams. I get stymied because I don't know where to keep things, or even if I should keep things (we know I keep way too many things). Then, I launch into overwhelm and the whole process of organizing becomes so loaded emotionally. Davis suggests focusing on functionality and remembering that cleaning and organizing is a gift you give your future self. If I take the time to straighten the kitchen before bed, I will wake to a much brighter morning experience (unless, of course, a son sabotages said straightened kitchen before I get up). I want my belongings to serve me, not the opposite.
After reading the book, I looked up the author (who began by posting Tik Toks of her struggles with the house, only to have someone, from the anonymity of the internet, say she was merely lazy). I watched her 12-minute TED talk. Her story is a worthwhile exploration on why some people struggle more with care tasks than others. I'm also impressed that she is a recovered drug addict (sent to rehab for a year and a half when she was only 16). So if you're drowning, recognize that the state of your house does not reflect your worth as a person. Celebrate each victory. Build momentum and only tackle what you can. Let go of the rest.
1 comment:
During my teen years, my mother viewed my messy bedroom as a reflection of poor character. It hurt so much, but I couldn't please her. We both needed this book years ago.
Post a Comment