Earlier this month, we had the privilege of speaking with a family who met Trevor at the time of his tragic accident on July 3rd. An off-duty officer was visiting at his parent's home when they heard the sound of the crash. The officer and his mother rushed to the scene. Trevor was terribly shaken. Although their interactions were brief, they said Trevor made a great impression on them. The officer said Trevor hugged him and, being a weightlifter himself, he was impressed by Trevor's strength. Trev openly admitted his fault and expressed concern for the other driver. He was genuinely gutted. I'm sure the officer and his mother were both worried about Trevor in the middle of his crisis. They said they continued to think of him for days afterwards, and were then shocked and dismayed to learn of Trevor's death. The mother told me it has changed how she interacts with people, because you never know when an interaction with someone might be your last. Plus, it touched us that they took the time to share these interactions after the fact.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace identifies 5 factors in feeling like you matter. 1) "Recognition - your actions are valued, and your absence would be felt;" 2) "Reliance - you feel needed because others depend on you;" 3) "Importance - you're prioritized;" 4) "Ego Extension - others are invested in your well-being;" and 5) "Attunement - you feel deeply understood and meaningfully responded to." These spokes must be addressed in order to have a sense of purpose in life. Much like Brad Aronson's Humankind, this book gives ample illustrations of ways people invest in mattering. I loved the idea of calling a "Code Lavender" for psychological emergencies that require intervention to meet those needs.
So, how do we increase our sense of mattering? Wallace suggests we use the "mattering lens." Ask yourself what part of mattering is lacking: sense of impact, feeling relied upon, prioritized, attuned to, or invested in? The steps are also two-fold (especially for those facing transitions - my hand is raised). First, seek to let others in (read books, listen to podcasts, find others in the same transition to connect with). Second, shift to finding a way to meet someone else's need in the world (use actions or words to tell someone else they matter). Speak into their lives when you get a chance!
I loved this insight, "The surest way to sustain our own sense of mattering is to focus on making others feel like they matter. The shift from 'I matter' to 'we matter' gives us both the long-term resilience and legacy we crave." So, when tempted to say, "Poor me, I have few deep connections and little purpose," I need to take steps to increase connection (just like my addicted son flailed because of lack of connection, I too flail for the same reasons). I need to find things that will give my life purpose and meaning. In the past, so much of my identity was in my writing. When things make that difficult, my purpose takes a hit.
This is a vitally important book. Our society is riddled with loneliness. As jobs get sucked up by AI, where will people feel like they make a difference or their life matters? We tune out and connect virtually, rather than in-person. I'm as guilty as the next. It is easier to sit on my phone seeking fake connection than to take the steps and risks to form real connection. The world is full of people who need to know they matter, who need others to take the time to focus on them and really listen. I'm grateful for these two individuals who made my son feel he mattered, and shared with us his impact on them.
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