Disillusioned But Plugging On

Blogging

I've been asked to give a workshop on blogging at a women's retreat.  Preparing for it has made me somewhat disillusioned.  For starters, I'm feeling very unqualified.  My blog is hardly what I would define as successful.  Even though it meets my own expectations for my purposes in blogging, it doesn't attract much of an audience.

As I began to prepare my materials for the class, I decided to google some information about blogging.  According to Wikipedia, as of February 16, 2011, there were 156 million bloggers.  I'm pretty sure it must be over 200 million by now. One measly little book blog is like a single star in the Milky Way in such a scenario. It makes my efforts seem insignificant.

But, I don't plan to stop blogging (nor will I pass on the opportunity to teach others how to begin blogging).  I'm still convinced there is merit in what I do.  It continues to be a method for honing my writing skills.  It allows me a chance to voice my opinion about books I am reading and document my reactions to those books.  Moreover, I need a place to express myself (whether there is only one person listening - my mother - or more). In my isolated existence, the opportunity to set down words and hurtle them into the blogosphere is like a drop of water to a thirsty soul (although my brain still niggles that it is, perhaps, a mirage and not really providing the sustenance I truly need).

When I think about the blogs I enjoy visiting, I generally select small-time blogs written by women who are very like me - women who love books and are busy raising a family.  I am drawn to writers who provide me with further books to explore and who share the ups and downs of their own lives without putting a fine gloss on the stories or trying to appear better than the next person.  I'm drawn to authentic writers who are willing to put themselves out there and whose posts tend to encourage me in some way.  So that is what I will try to do.  I will continue to blog.  I will attempt to provide information on books others might select based on my recommendations.  I will seek to be relevant in what I share, while also attempting to share honestly, without arrogance (some of those immensely popular blogs wax arrogant quickly).

Parenting a Teen

Yesterday, I had a rare opportunity.  Bryce requested an I-Phone for his birthday present.  In order to upgrade from his current AT & T phone, he had to bring a parent along to sign for the required two-year contract.  Originally, my husband was supposed to accompany him, but he got held up at work yesterday and Bryce was loathe to wait another day to get his coveted phone (patience is not a strong suit for my two older boys).

Thus, we headed off in his car, with Bryce behind the wheel.  It was an amazing opportunity because I so rarely get one-on-one time with my oldest son.  Between his school and social schedules, not much time is left over for family (nor does he really wish to spend much time with his little brothers or his parents).

Suddenly, I had a captive audience (we were in the car for over an hour and he wasn't listening to his music while driving). We talked about many things ... his college and career aspirations, my own career aspirations (or the lack of clarity for my career aspirations), upcoming vacations and his desire to bail because it would mean three days stuck with his little brothers, my difficulty with spending money (I lost it in the store when the clerk explained how much the plan would cost - I insisted he call his father to okay the expense - Bryce insisted Dad would be fine with it ... and he was), and Bryce's hopes for the future.

As he talked, he explained that he hashes out his career aspirations a lot with his best friend's father.  This makes sense.  He spends a good deal of time at his best friend's house (where there are no younger siblings around to pester and annoy and where there is a perfect teen hang-out in the basement, as opposed to our house dynamics where everything is out in the open and Bryce's room is connected to the living room where the little boys tend to hang out). But hearing him talk about his conversations with this other dad made me feel sad and disillusioned.

I began to wonder if things would have looked different if we hadn't gone on and had the two younger boys.  Would we have more communication between us if they weren't in the picture (not that I'm wanting to wish them away)? Is it just a teenage thing to avoid family involvement and to seek out the opinions of peers and their parents?  Are we missing out on something that we should be enjoying (a closer relationship with our oldest son)?

I have no complaints about Bryce.  He is a great kid.  He is respectful and never gives us a lick of trouble.  He shares his successes with us and we cheer him on.  But, he is somewhat closed off. And, I'll admit it, I'm jealous of the conversations he has with his friend's father.  I want to be his sounding board.  I had a small chance yesterday and I am grateful for those few cherished moments.

I guess I'll just have to keep plugging away at trying to be there for him and drawing out what little conversation I can get with my teenage son. I'll seek out as many of those spontaneous opportunities for together-time as I can.  I'll continue to offer to take him out to his favorite restaurant (one of the few tactics that sometimes works).

And I guess I'm already thinking ahead. I want to create a space in this house (perhaps the basement) where my two younger boys can invite their friends.  I want to become the hang-out place for their peer group. I want to have the best snacks and the most inviting location.  Then, perhaps I will open up a doorway for communication with my teenagers and their friends.  If I can't provide that for my oldest son, perhaps I can get there by the time my 6 and 8 year olds are 13 and 15.

So, despite feelings of disillusionment, I plan to keep on plugging away.  I want to see a goal and do all I can to reach it.  I don't want to remain rooted in this moment of disillusionment.  Instead, I want it to propel me to seek better things for the future.  I'll acknowledge that things aren't exactly as I'd like them to be, but I can still give my best.  I'll keep on blogging and keep on trying to nurture a close relationship with my teen, despite times when it looks like I'm not even making a dent.