Book Review: How to Raise a Child with a High EQ

I must admit, it was my ES who drove me to pick up this book. It doesn't matter how intelligent your child is, if he doesn't play nice, others will not like him. Granted, I realize many of my worries and concerns are knee-jerk reactions to fundamental boy behavior. My husband often reminds me that boys often show their love for one another by teasing. He has yet to convince my four year old of the validity of this theory, but I think to some extent he is correct that teasing does somewhat come with the territory.

However, I still worry about my sons. I want them to be compassionate, sensitive individuals. I don't want them to be sissified or girly, just willing to get outside of themselves for enough time to understand where the other person might be coming from. When boys laugh at another boy's misfortune, it seems uncaring and rude, not strong and masculine.

It took me quite a while to plug through this book (I think I renewed it seven times). I read it simultaneous with a few other books and the other books always drew my attention more. Plus, I am discovering (as I have with other parenting books) that if you are interested in reading a book to help you improve an aspect of your child-rearing, it is usually because you value that particular characteristic. If you begin with a foundational value, you are probably already implementing many of the ideas which will be suggested.

However, I would still say this was a fairly helpful book. The author, Lawrence Shapiro, PhD, is well-known for his various therapeutic games. He provides numerous examples of fun ways to nurture your child's emotional intelligence. He offers a listing of helpful software games your child can play (although, since the book was published in 1997, I'm sure there are plenty of updated games to be found on the Internet).

Here were a few of his pointers that I took to heart:

• Raise the bar on your expectations for considerate, responsible behavior.


• Teach your child to practice random acts of kindness (this was reminiscent of the great tip I gleaned from Nicholas Spark's memoir, when he recounted how his mother always made them share one nice thing that each sibling did for them that day).


• Commit your family to service projects.


• Encourage and model optimistic, realistic perspectives. (now there's one I can work on!)


• Teach the child to see problems as something outside of themselves.


• Develop a problem-solving atmosphere (this included some good words to teach and play with: is/is not, and/or, some/all, before/after, now/later, same/different, good time/not a good time, if/then, might/maybe, why/because and fair/not fair).


• Have them rate their own performance.


• Teach them to break large tasks into smaller bite-size goals.

The main thing I carried away from this book is the importance of expecting and requiring more. Shapiro keenly observed that we, Americans, tend to give our kids more, yet ask for less. If we want them to grow up with strong relational abilities and skills like, persistence, diligence, ambition and self-motivation, we must raise the bar and model what we hope to see in our children.

I think my favorite section in the whole book was the last section devoted to the power of emotions. When the author began to write about assisting a child who has experienced some form of trauma in their life, I thought of my own ES, but I also thought of Caden Larson, who is dealing with the trauma of losing his twin brother to cancer. Anyone who is interested in assisting a child who is dealing with a significant loss or trauma would benefit from reading this final section. Children don't have the arsenal of tools adults have to deal with trauma. The games suggested by Shapiro can benefit every child, but would certainly be of great benefit for a child who has experienced something unusually intense.

I'm guessing that my kids are doing fine in their emotional intelligence. What is probably needed is a stronger sense of character. In society, our pre-teens are encouraged to be tough and heartless. Typical MTV fare offers up shows devoted to put-down battles and the glorification of scars earned while attempting extreme stunts. Their language is full of words like "owned," and "loser." What a battle we parents have to nurture concern for fellow man and high standards of integrity.

My husband grew up on the stories from the volumes of Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories. When we tried to share them with our ES, he considered them out-dated and preachy. I can't silence society's mantras. Even if he doesn't spend time watching MTV, he will pick these things up at school.

My little boys are ripe for the Uncle Arthur stories right now (we have two volumes). As for ES, we will have to continue to raise the bar when it comes to considerate, responsible behavior. We will have to clearly communicate our values and commitment to strong character. And, I'm sure we'll have to keep praying hard for God's help as we encourage our sons to grow into the productive, compassionate, strong individuals we want them to be.