Keep Me from Snap Judgements, Arrogance, and Easy Answers

I want to write tonight. I don't want to write tonight. I want to write because writing has always been beneficial to me. It helps me sort things out and just getting it down somehow lightens the burden. I don't want to write because I am afraid that I have really "left the building" and my depression will be the one tapping the keyboard.

I haven't discussed my battles with clinical depression often, here on my blog, but it is a fact of my existence and has been ever since I lost a baby prior to ES's birth. But, let's face it: depression is depressing. And writing from the pit of depression can be a downer for the reader and the writer.

Then again, there are so many individuals who have great insights to share with the world. Many of these same individuals have struggled with bouts of depression. Is there a correlation between sensitivity to life's lessons and sensitivity to emotional angst? I don't know. I'm guessing there is.

Anyway, here's what I have tonight (while trying to channel a positive me, instead of the reigning negative me).

This afternoon, I was thinking back to a family I babysat for when I was a teenager. We lived in Chicago and my sister and I had literally gone around the neighborhood knocking on doors to see if they had children and might be needing a sitter (perhaps this is why I keep wanting to walk over to the retirement condos up the street - on the golf course lots - to solicit a babysitter for my little guys? I'm guessing they have rules against such solicitation).

The little boy's name was Danny and I believe he was about 18 months old. His father had a slight limp, I remember. The dad worked full-time and the mom was a stay-at-home mother. They hired me so that they could go out for dates occasionally. I did love the little boy and felt genuinely connected to the mother (though I can't remember her name). I remember that she invited me over once, when I wasn't needed for sitting, and shared her homemade crumb coffee cake. It was delicious and I begged her for the recipe. (Perhaps, I will remember to share another vivid memory of an experience with Danny tomorrow. It was one I just shared with my boys at the dinner table this week after MS singed off his bangs!)

I can remember thinking that Danny's mother must have a wonderful life. At one point, she sewed a sock monkey for me (in exchange for a night of babysitting - because she knew I collected monkeys). She gets to play with her adorable little boy and bake yummy treats and take care of her small apartment. Of course, I was a teenager then!

Today, as I sat outside tending to my children's every two second needs, I was thinking back to this family and repenting of my snap judgements, arrogance and easy answers. You see, after a year or two, the mother informed me that she was leaving. She was divorcing her husband and leaving her son, Danny, in his permanent custody. She tried to explain to me what prompted these actions. I know I heard bits of her reasoning - she felt like she was suffocating, it just wasn't enough for her, she had so many other things she wanted to do with her life. However, I was reeling. I couldn't fathom how a mother could walk away from her little boy.

Anyone who is a parent, knows how easy it is to provide snap judgements, arrogance and easy answers before you have children. I was a compendium of knowledge on what other parents should or should not be doing with their children. I am pretty certain many others have had a host of knowledge in parenting which they wish they could share with me. Indeed, I have received my fair share of easy answers from others (whether or not I have received as much as I passed on, only God can weigh that one out).

Tonight, I'm begging forgiveness from Danny's mother (it would really be a God thing, if she were to stumble upon this minor blog). I felt such harsh judgement back then. I never even paused to think that I had never walked a mile in her moccasins. True, my concern was equally prompted by thoughts of Danny and his father, but now I know how easy it is to create answers when we are not really a part of the equation. I'm sure both choices had negative ramifications - staying and parenting her child or leaving and pursuing her personal goals.

Now, having prefaced all of this with a warning that my inner serotonin deficiencies might be taking the reins, I must assure you that I am not planning to leave my husband and sons (despite the fact that those thoughts feel more welcome these days than they may have ever felt before). I'm just processing this fact: If you offer an easy answer to another's conundrum, chances are pretty strong that you haven't fully understood the exact nature of the issue (including complexities your life has yet to encounter). So, my prayer for tonight is "God, please come bear my "mother load" and keep me from snap judgements, arrogance and easy answers, too!"