Laying Our Son to Rest

God, in His mercy, numbed my feelings and emotions for the first few weeks in the shock of my middle son's unexpected death. Outwardly, it looked as if I wasn't grieving. Inwardly, disbelief reverberated. Now that the funeral is over, my emotions are coming to the surface more. But, the time leading up to the funeral was so busy, we hardly had time to think or emote. 

We were blessed by countless people who came forward to love and support us in this trial. I kept wishing Trevor could see all the expressions of love and appreciation others felt for him and for us, through him. My friend, Heidi, told me she's convinced he does know. She wrote, "After my mom died, I had a vision/visitation of her sitting next to me and telling me that the pain she went through was gone and that ALL was known - she was SO happy! I believe ALL is now known to Trevor, including the love people have expressed during the last week and the love and support you and family gave during his life." This was such a comforting thought to share!

The day after Trevor's death, our oldest son, Bryce, flew from Dallas to be with us. What a comfort and blessing his presence brought! Somehow, it made the grief more bearable. Plus, he was invaluable to us. He set to work on a photo slideshow to put up on the funeral home's obituary page. He scoured my phone and my computer for images. He must have asked John, as well, because he used an impressive photo of Trevor's bodybuilding physique (some wondered if it was AI).

I'm sure Bryce emphasized photos from his earlier years, happy years before the drug associations and drug use. He was our exuberant little boy, and we have many fond memories of those carefree days. It was a big help and huge blessing to have Bryce handle that important piece. He was also helpful during the necessary meetings. When we met with the funeral director, Bryce took notes. He compiled and sent us a file of things to do (it all would have disappeared from my consciousness quickly). He accompanied us to select and purchase a gravesite (near his grandmother's headstone). He, again, took notes throughout our meeting with the pastor, as we arranged the funeral service songs and order.

God brought me to the wonderful songs that we used for his service. I came across "Approach, My Soul," by John Newton, in the Sing Hymnal I received for Mother's Day. We printed this inside the memory folder passed out to those in attendance. The words emphasize our desperate need of God's salvation and His gift of eternal life: "Bowed down beneath a load of sin, by Satan sorely pressed, by wars without and fears within, I come to Thee for rest... guilty sinners such as I might plead Thy gracious name!"

We used "It is Well," by Horatio Spafford, to signal the start of the service. This hymn was written in great grief after the unexpected deaths of his four daughters in a shipwreck. Crossing the exact site of their drowning, Spafford penned words to affirm his deep trust in God amid inexplicable loss. For the condensed slideshow, we selected Casting Crowns' song, "Scars in Heaven." The lyrics gutted me: "If I had only known the last time would be the last time." "What I'd give for one more day with you." "I know you're in a place where all your wounds have been erased, and knowing yours are healed is healing mine."

"He Will Hold Me Fast" was supposed to play after the family reflections, but it came after the eulogy. I love these lyrics, as well: "When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast. I could never keep my hold through life's fearful path, for my love is often cold. He must hold me fast... He'll not let my soul be lost, his promises shall last. Bought by Him at such great cost, He will hold me fast." What a beautiful arrangement by Kristyn and Keith Getty! What a solid proclamation of God's unending grace!

I doubt people really took in the lyrics to the departing song, "Christ is Mine Forevermore." This was another one found in The Sing Hymnal with poignant lyrics: "Mine are days that God has numbered. I was made to walk with Him; yet, I look for worldly treasure and forsake the King of Kings... Christ has paid for every failing, I am His forevermore... Mine are tears in times of sorrow, darkness not yet understood. Through the valley I must travel where I see no earthly good... I know my pain will not be wasted."

My sister-in-law, Miriam, was a great help for the family fellowship prior to the funeral. As I said, I'm not a gifted hostess. I don't easily whip up meals on command, even on a normal day, let alone a stressful one. After Miriam arrived and set out a spread of desserts and drinks, she agreed to look over my outfit choices. We ended up running back to Kohl's to exchange a top for a smaller size (I tend to seek very roomy clothes). I so appreciated her time and attention to these needs.

The time together in our home with family was beneficial and comforting. We talked about old times and memories of Trevor. Thankfully, Bryce and Elizabeth ran to get a large quantity of Chik-fil-A, so meal needs were met and I was able to set out the spread of veggies and snacks I had purchased for the gathering. On one end of our table, all the engineers talked engineering and the other end rehashed stories and spoke of my youngest brother's architectural projects. Many family members did not arrive until late the night before the funeral and my brother Mark's family drove up from Kentucky for the day. We had family come in from many other corners: Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Texas.

Blogger that I am, I wanted photos, but knew I'd be preoccupied and unable. My sister agreed to help. I'm sure it was uncomfortable trying to snap images in a room of grieving guests. She did an outstanding job, as evidenced by the photos accompanying this funeral recap post.

The hardest part was viewing his empty body. Trevor, of course, did not look like Trevor. He was not there. It was a vessel devoid of his spark and spirit. I could not have captured an image of his body. Dawn delicately snapped this shot:

We said our good-byes and let the grief wash over us. I told him, "I wanted more time!" Then, we allowed his girlfriend time to say her good-byes. 

Next, came a blur of greeting people who attended the visitation. A member of my BSF group came by briefly to bring flowers and give a hug. Four friends from the Women Forming Friendships in West Indy Facebook group came to offer comfort. Five of our friends drove all the way from Champaign-Urbana, IL. My college best friend, Anne, came all the way from Lombard, IL. I was sad that I only snagged a few moments with her as the press of people kept coming. Both Bryce's and Sean's friends came. Trevor had probably 7 or 8 friends from middle and high school years who came. A few of the girls in that group were kind enough to come express condolences. 

Trevor's 2nd grade teacher came up to tell me how sad she was because he had shown such great potential. Many individuals came from Pittsboro Baptist Church. Here are some images of family members who came:

I was blown away by Trevor's halfway house leader, Damien, who took an Uber all the way from Indianapolis to our little rural enclave. He had only known Trevor for less than two weeks (and knowing Trevor, he probably hadn't interacted much). We gave Damien a ride to the burial and learned that he, too, (like my husband) is from Champaign-Urbana.

Thanks to the funeral director's wife, you can view a video of the funeral here. After the condensed slideshow and a welcome, John's sister Martha read John's comments and shared some of her own memories of Trevor. I wasn't sure I'd make it through mine, but the humorous bits helped me stay composed.

The burial was a brief affair (good, since it was 95 degrees out) with prayer and committal. 

Then, Pittsboro Baptist Church provided a marvelous meal for family and friends. After the meal, my sister and brother-in-law treated many family members and Damien to ice cream at the local Dairy Bar. 

We got Damien into an Uber back to the halfway house and many descended back into our home for further fellowship. I relished time with Trevor's cousins. Now, the grief is truly descending and intensifying. 

Some may question my son's walk with God, because he used drugs. One even shared a prayer, "What joy it will be IF we get to heaven and discover Trevor is there.... We pray that Trevor in some way... [had] things straight with You [God] before this terrible occasion." I know my son's spiritual foundation was not built on what he did, but on what Christ did for him. I liken it to my mother's Alzheimer's. She raged and cursed. That was not my mother; it was her diseased brain. Drugs had altered Trevor's brain, rewiring to tell him drugs were his best solution to his pain. He responded physiologically, not spiritually. 

Every day, I wake with the realization that my son is no longer with us here on earth. I take comfort, because of his trust in Christ's atoning act on the cross, and believe we will be reunited one day in Heaven. Others may scoff and weep for his lost soul; I claim the atoning cross of Christ and His promise of eternal life. If you have not trusted in Christ, consider the gospel message (proclaimed in Trevor's funeral) and accept the free gift of eternal life. May Trevor, in death, reach more than we had hoped and prayed in life.

Losing Our Precious Son

Parenting a wayward child is an exhausting and distressing role. We have gone back and forth trying to determine what is the best way to respond and help our addicted son, Trevor. I will admit, we have not always been in agreement. Much of this stems from my husband's personal experience with an addicted sibling who took his life. I think he was desperate to come to a different conclusion with his son.

From day one, Trevor was very much like his Uncle Rob. He did things with vehemence. Most recently, his driven, give-it-all mentality zeroed in on his bodybuilding. Here is a photo of him flexing:

Unfortunately, he relapsed at the end of May. At 2 a.m., there was no way to take him to a treatment center, so we took him to the ER. They would only release him into a residential treatment center (good for them!) At first, still under the influence of the drugs, he refused to stay for the 28-day treatment. He wanted to leave after the initial 7-day detox period. My husband wanted to let him come back home. In my opinion, that would only enable him to go back to using (our home is where this all began). I began to pray importunately for God to change their minds. Praise God! My husband told him he couldn't come home and Trevor decided he would stick out the program.

Of course, he had to detox from everything (including the Retitrutide weight loss drugs he was injecting and the steroids he was taking to enhance his bodybuilding). He said they had snacks available everywhere and he had to get some dopamine somehow, so he ate himself into a 60-pound weight gain. The relapse was a crushing blow! The loss of his intentions to participate in a bodybuilding competition in August was a devastating blow! From there, things continued to spiral.

He moved from the treatment center into a halfway house in Indianapolis. We knew this wasn't the best plan (after all, he knew where to access drugs in Indy), but he wasn't moving home, either. He was living in Indy, working at a Steak 'n Shake in Brownsburg, and visiting his girlfriend in Kirklin. Many miles driven at a time when gas prices are high. He couldn't even break even.

Then came some relationship difficulties. I think his girlfriend had made it very clear to him that she was clean and she would not remain with someone who uses. The friction and pain escalated. He responded in very unhealthy ways. When he posted something on Instagram saying, "Hope you all enjoyed the sh!t show," we were terrified he intended to find drugs.

Then, on July 3rd, he was coming to our home to pick up some food. He said he was crying and couldn't see clearly. He plowed into the front end of another vehicle that had turned into a subdivision just in front of him. His car was totaled and he knew we had vowed not to replace it (we'd already helped him purchase 3 vehicles). I'm sure his mind was reeling. No car. No way to get from Indy to his job or to visit his girlfriend. Not to mention, the possibility that the other driver might sue him for his fault in the accident. He was suicidal. He did not want to live. I took him in my arms and he just sobbed. We prayed with him. He agreed to go to a psych hospital as soon as his girlfriend could take him after she finished work. While waiting, he called and learned the commitment time was 7-14 days. He decided he didn't want to lose his bed, his job, or his upcoming court date, so he found an outpatient psych therapy that he could do in the halfway house from his phone.

On July 4th, he posted photos of himself at a party holding a beer can. His younger brother tried to tell him these decisions were unwise. On July 5th, I drove to his halfway house to take him to work. I bought him a pizza because his house meeting had gone long and he'd had no dinner. That's the last time I saw my beloved boy.

On July 6th, he took an Uber to work. While at work, he kept going to the bathroom. Finally, he went to the bathroom and did not come out. A coworker knew Sean's phone number because Sean used to work there. She called to tell him there was an incident with Trevor and they needed a family member there immediately. After my husband headed to the restaurant, the coworker called back. Sean said he knew it was bad when she couldn't talk. He then came in to gently wake me and share that "there was an incident at the Steak 'n Shake, and he's gone." I shot up. My initial thought was I wanted to see him and hold him one more time. I didn't think I could drive, so Sean drove me over. They would not let me near his body. We were there until midnight speaking with detectives, officers, and the coroner.

This week has been a whirlwind of planning and details. It feels like every minute I have something else to think about or address. I'm holding together fine (probably helped by the antidepressant medication I'm on), but my husband is grieving intensely. I'm glad Trevor is no longer in the intense emotional pain he was carrying. I'm glad he no longer has to struggle and fight this demon.

If you want to view his obituary, a photo slideshow, and a remembrance journal, you can follow this link. We also set up a Trevor Hill Addiction Memorial Fund. Now begins the dreadful process of learning to live without him. After picking our oldest son, Bryce, up from the airport, we stopped to get Chinese carry-out. As I went in to pick up the food, I realized we will never be able to eat inside that restaurant again. Trevor loved to eat there and ate with gusto. Then, on Thursday, I finally managed to get in a walk. I used to always spend most of my walks praying about Trevor. That was a crushing moment.

Please pray for our family as we walk this difficult road. Even though I had irrationally wanted to see him on the night of his death, I know that the most difficult moment will be when we come for the visitation and see him laid out, a shell of the person he once was, devoid of his spark. I have asked to speak a few words. I am praying I am not incapacitated with grief. Pray we will hold up as they lower his body into the ground, in a finality that cannot be erased. We are heart-sick and deeply saddened by the loss of our precious son.

Reminders of Sweetness Amid the Sour

My beloved prodigal is approaching a special birthday - 2 decades of life. For him, this is an accomplishment as he has done much to challenge this landmark. Indeed, I wonder if he is a cat, with the requisite nine lives. He has "slipped the noose" repeatedly and this wears on my emotional reserves. My husband cannot bear to look at sweet photos from the past in the midst of our current crisis. However, I needed the reminder of his sweetness and a dozen or so years that were free from the scourge of drug use. God gifted Trevor into our lives almost 20 years ago, and despite much sorrow, grief, and discouragement, I will fix my eyes on the many blessings his life has provided us.

I'm not a photographer. I don't often capture images. Thus, I scoured my blog, grateful for this catalog of memories that I sometimes fail to bring forth. Trevor has always been bright, creative, funny, and thoughtful. I found numerous examples of personalized cards he made for me (often with poetry). Ever artistic (here's art from age 10), he created images paired with sentiments he knew would touch my heart. While the cards are lost in the pack-rat detritus of my life, I can look back on my blog and enjoy the sentiments, the art, and the boy behind these kind gestures.

In my earliest photos of Trevor (from 2008), he was almost constantly in super hero attire. Indeed, on one visit to the library, they pulled me aside and gave me a large stuffed Spiderman. They were purging it from the library possessions and wanted to pass it along to the young boy who always came in dressed as Spiderman.

In 2009, we added our first dog, Harley, to the mix and Trev was very fond of him:

Mid-2009, he cut his own hair (worried it might be too long like his 13-year-old brother's hair):

In November of 2009, I captured this sweet and hilarious video of Trevor reciting The Lord's Prayer. He had learned this in his Christian preschool class. During the recitation, he accidentally burped, then cracked up when I exclaimed that I didn't remember that as part of the prayer.

In 2010, Trev got ahold of a blow torch and singed his bangs off (like I said, his guardian angel works overtime!) - go here to read the whole story and my funny friend Laura's quip in reaction to the tale):

That same year, Trev set up shop selling us his artwork and, in the fall, began kindergarten:

Looking at the photo above, reminds me of another guardian angel moment (on this day his jeans caught in the bike chain and, unable to stop, he zoomed across our street - where cars often speed past at 40-50 mph - safely and miraculously landing on the grass across the street).

In 2011, he went for a brief visit with grandma and found his granddad's war helmet, rode the zipline at CBLI, and became interested in football:

In 2013, we continued to enjoy the zipline at camp:

In 2015, Trevor and I took a special spring break trip to visit with my parents in Florida. He caught a lizard and set him free (despite accidentally severing his tail):

In 2017, he proudly displayed a fish catch at CBLI:

This was also the age of his bottle-flipping stage and in spring of 2018, he created this hilarious basketball spoof video:

The last two photos are from the cusp of our problems with Trevor, when he broke his leg during the first football game of his 8th grade season:

(This is another photo that stirs intense gratitude. We praise God that He spared Trevor's life and the lives of others near the accident that totaled the truck recently.)

It is good to reminisce over the sweeter days amid ones that leave a sour taste in our mouths. We are grateful for the prayers of so many, lifting Trevor before the Lord. I anxiously await his return to the sweet person he was prior to this departure into drug use and rebellion. May God help us cling to Him when timing doesn't speed along Trevor's recovery and return. May the guardian angels, who have prevented numerous perils in the past, continue to protect him.

We love you, Trevor! Don't ever forget it! We long to see you healed of this addiction, but you are a gift, even amid the pain!

Quesy Bake Fun

This year is the first year that I have signed on as a Room Parent. I prefer to be in a role where I play a supporting part. But after volunteering for this post, I discovered that I'm IT ... the sole parent in charge of the Fall and Spring classroom parties.

In the past, this really wouldn't have been a problem. I have loads of experience planning Halloween parties, since Bryce basically had a Halloween party every year from age 3 to age 9. It really began as a fluke. A friend had called to say that she was miscarrying her twin boys and needed to head to the hospital, but didn't want her young daughters to know what was going on (she had previously lost a baby that they had been aware of). I jumped into rescue mode and told her to tell them that I had invited them to an impromptu Halloween party. Those three kids had a wonderful time that day (although my friend, sadly didn't). We had so much fun that the following year, we decided to do it again ... and again ... and again.

So, really, planning this year's party for the Kindergarten class should feel like no big deal, right? Well, somehow it has been hanging over my head and filling me with dread. There are 25 students. I am not guaranteed any help (in fact, I only recently met two of the other parents at the Muffins for Mom event last week). The suggestion (from the Room Parent coordinator) was to send a letter requesting donations for the party.

I have been dragging my heels, not sure exactly what I want to do and loathe to ask for monetary amounts before I'm sure what I might be spending. Finally, today, I had a chance to talk with Trevor's teacher and share a few of my ideas.

I figure these kids are going to be loaded up with a sugar high the whole weekend, so I wanted to steer clear of snacks like cupcakes or sugary cookies. So, I came up with the brilliant plan to make Jack-O-Lantern pizzas using my oldest son's old Queasy Bake Oven.

The Queasy Bake Oven is a boy's dream. Bryce did have loads of fun (back in the day) preparing concoctions like Chocolate Crud Cake, Bugs 'n Worms, Delicious Dirt, Cool Drool and Crunchy Dog Bones. Of course, the extra mixes I had purchased for him eventually became outdated and now we merely have the oven.



I figured we could have the kindergartners rotate between five stations (like crafts, math activities, games, and the snack). When they came to the snack table, they would be given an English muffin topped with a thin layer of pizza sauce. They could select pepperoni eyes, cheesy mouths, green pepper warts, etc. Then, they could take turns baking their treat in the Queasy Bake Oven. The teacher also offered up her toaster oven, to speed things along.

So, tonight, I decided to give it a trial run with Trevor. I headed to the fridge to look for our English muffins. Alas, the last one had been eaten. No pepperoni either. No worries! I pulled out a package of square strip crescent roll dough (I usually use this for my Salmon Wellington recipe).

I prepared a Spinach/Mushroom Calzone for myself and used the third rectangle to cut out three circles (from the provided pans in the Queasy Bake Oven box). We baked the dough circles first for about 7 minutes and then I barely coated them with pizza sauce. I handed Trevor a piece of cheese and he cut out eyes and a jagged-tooth mouth.

The difficulty came when we attempted to slide the treat into the oven. The slot for the baking chamber is extremely narrow (in fact the pan depth is the size of one finger). Immediately, I could tell that pizza sauce and cheese were going to adhere to the insides of the oven.



We set the timer for two minutes and allowed the pizza to cook. After pushing the pan into the cooling chamber, we waited another two minutes. Trevor had the thing eaten before I had begun to cool Sean's pizza (for this one I merely cut eyes and mouth out of the cheese).



In the end, Trevor ate all three pizzas. The other boys had to have something else for dinner (they were otherwise-occupied, so weren't concerned). As far as he is concerned, we should certainly bring the oven to school and allow his friends to experience Queasy Bake Pizza.

I'm thinking we may have to stick with the toaster oven since the English muffins would be even thicker than the baked crescent roll dough. Perhaps I'd better come up with a different plan altogether ... waffles individually decorated by the kids with frosting faces???? I also have a feeling we'll be doing lots more Queasy cooking in this household in the coming months.

Mary Poppins

Back in June, when my parents came for a visit, they raved about "Mary Poppins." My father had surprised my mother with tickets to the show and they were so blown away by the performance that they purchased the DVD. They showed us the incredible footage where Mary Poppins flies out over the heads of the audience and where Bert walks the walls and ceiling.

A few months back, I received a Groupon notification of a substantial savings on tickets to "Mary Poppins." I didn't even bother asking hubby's permission. I just snatched up two tickets right away. Now, I am a bit skeptical as to whether I really, in fact, saved money with Groupon or not. The tickets themselves listed a price that was far lower than what I paid (despite the fact that they were touted as being a 40% savings). Plus, a woman seated next to me (who also snagged the Groupon "deal" stated that she received an e-mail from the theater itself stating a lowering of prices for the show, far lower than the price we paid. Hmphh!

Since my husband didn't seem to care one way or the other, I decided to take Trevor. I reminded him about the You Tube clips we had watched of Bert walking the walls and ceiling. We even watched our Disney tape of "Mary Poppins" last week.

Yet, yesterday morning, Trevor said, "So, tonight we go to Harry Potter, right?"

"Um, no .... Mary Poppins."

I was, frankly, quite worried that he would not sit still for the performance. It was two hours and forty-five minutes long (including the 15 minute intermission).

He did fairly well. We were seated next to a brave woman who had brought five young girls (around 8 or 9 years old) with her. At times, these girls were as antsy as Trevor. Mostly, he just kept asking when Bert was going to walk on the walls.

For my part, it was absolutely amazing. The thing that really struck me about the performance was the contrasting atmospheres of the stage props. During many scenes, the stage was almost black. But during the scenes where they enter the park, the color literally exploded across the stage. I don't know how they managed to make it seem so incredibly bright. They eye was assaulted with too many things to take in. The dancing was vibrant and colorful.

I loved the house on Cherry Tree Lane. It was like a small doll's house, opening to reveal different sections of the house where the action took place.

I also loved the bits of humor sprinkled throughout. My favorite line of all was when the head servant (cook) said something like "The slaves in ancient Rome were on a luxury cruise compared to the role I play in this house!"

We had a wonderful time. Trevor loved the city. He kept remarking about how much he liked looking up at the tall, lit-up buildings. He felt grown up to be out at night in the city with me. But, he clearly realized it was past his bed-time. During the second half, he even told me he just wanted to go home and go to bed.

As we were driving home, and Trevor was dozing off, I was pulled over by a police officer. Apparently, I had just made an illegal left turn, right in front of him. I was just wanting to get home. I explained that we had come from "Mary Poppins" and I was following a Mapquest map to get home. Thank goodness for those Mapquest pages. I think they saved me from a ticket.

It was a wonderful night. One that I am sure both Trevor and I will remember for a long time to come.

Last Cake

Trevor had a fabulous birthday. He was not disappointed in the least (despite not getting the skateboard with the skull on the bottom of it, which he talked about non-stop the last few days before his birthday arrived).

Normally, I look forward to making a cake for my little guys. This time around, I think I finished with a bad taste in my mouth (and I don't mean that the cake didn't taste good ... it did). It was just that every step of the way seemed fraught with anxiety.

Trevor was very specific about his cake design. He wanted to draw the illustration for the front of the cake. Given his fixation on skulls lately, it was not surprising to see what he came up with:



Next, came my task of recreating that picture. I placed his drawing on my baking stone and covered it with waxed paper. I did the best I could to trace his outline lines, however the flames and teeth were quite tricky (too small for drawing with a frosting tip).

What a frosting bag fiasco it turned out to be! When I went to fill the frosting bags, they smelled like rancid oil. It was a nauseatingly strong smell.

I decided to try the Ziploc bag approach. Within one minute, the bag burst and frosting globs spilled onto the wax paper. I was so thankful that I was working on wax paper and could merely wipe it up and start again.

My husband had generously purchased a Decorator Bottle Set from a co-worker selling Pampered Chef items, but they required washing before use. Since my vinyl and cloth bags were smelly and the Ziploc option wasn't working, I decided to take the extra time and wash out the decorator bottles.



I was eager to try the new set out, but I found them very difficult to work with. For starters, the opening is so small that you have to use a butter knife or smaller to push the frosting in. I used a Popsicle stick and it felt like it took forever. Normally, I am such a fan of Pampered Chef items, but this one had me frustrated.

(In searching for the photo to include on the blog) I did read some tips. Many individuals find it far easier to fill the bag by scooping the frosting into a baggie and cutting of a tip then pushing into the bottle. The bottles did clean up nicely with the provided brush tool. Plus, many users identified the bottles as helpful for children's use ... so I will hang on to them and use them with the boys. In fact, perhaps I'll just have Trevor do the whole frosting job next time. He's quite the artist. He may just do a better job than I can!)

In the end, I rewashed the vinyl Wilton bags and used them despite the lingering odor.

As for the cake, Trevor wanted an Oreo cake. I decided to forego looking for an Oreo box cake and merely used a recipe from my Betty Crocker cook book and added one cup of crushed Oreos. Sadly, even the cake wasn't cooperating. It stuck in the pan and came out with giant pock marks:



I'm pretty sure all of these dilemmas can be placed squarely on my own shoulders. If I had been on the top of my game, we would have had all the necessary ingredients in time for me to prepare both the frosting and the cake in advance, the freezer would not have been so full of food that we couldn't fit a cake, and I would not have felt too rushed to adequately allow the cake to cool.

Still, there were many times along the way, when I heard the voices in my head arguing about this whole process. For one, as I was adding the food coloring to the frosting, I was thinking about all the damage that these chemical dyes are doing to our children.

As I prepared the cake, the voices were reminding me that the boys would probably have one or two pieces (requesting the skull eyes or flames or something from the middle of the cake) and I would end up eating the entire rest of the cake. This will certainly not help my bid for weight loss.

All in all though, the cake was a big hit with the two little boys ... and they are the ones who matter! Trevor loved his cake and has even had three pieces so far (eating the cake and not just the icing, as he is wont to do, but yes, requesting first the skull eyes and then the flames).


He also loved his presents. I think his favorite thing was a hoodie from Walmart that zips up over the head. He wore it to the doctor's office (he has poison ivy) and jumped out to scare the doctor:



His second favorite thing is the small Bakugan toy and his third favorite would be the spider web glass he is holding in his hand in the picture below:



Of course, after mentally declaring that maybe this will be my last cake, I found this adorable monkey cake over at Smitten Kitchen's blog (oh how I love looking at the tasty foods she whips up effortlessly and photographs flawlessly). Oooh, and the butter cream frosting has no artificial colors. And I've always been a big fan of monkeys. And ... okay, so maybe it is not my "last cake." Six months from now, I'll probably be looking for somebody who wants a monkey cake.

The Lightness and Unbearable Weight of Birthday Shopping

Why do kids want the most inane, pointless toys out there on the market? Trevor has a birthday coming up. On Tuesday, I took him on a special errand (killing time before his afternoon class began) to create a wish list. As I went back to the store to do the actual shopping, I repeatedly found my head shaking, thinking "there is no way in the world that we would get our money's worth out of that purchase!"

He wanted several different Halloween costumes and masks. We already have two large buckets full of costumes. He wanted Halloween decorations. We have more of those than any family really should have. I think people might begin to wonder if we have some sort of Satanic allegiance or something, given the grandiose display hubby and my boys put up at the end of every September (I wash my hands of the whole affair).

He wanted a four pack of finger skateboards to the tune of $10. Who really plays with those things? I mean, come on ... a skateboard that you push around with your finger???? I'm pretty sure the only reason he wants them is because he noticed skull decorations on the bottom of the boards. Trevor and Sean both purchased finger skateboards at the dollar store (rewards for workbook completion) and the darn things fall apart within minutes.

He wanted Nano bugs ... little bugs that wiggle around. Walmart sells something similar individually for $6 or two for $10. However, I doubt the play value of the toy (wouldn't you tire of that quickly?? so it moves around like a real bug ... big whoop!). Plus, it appears that you are supposed to place the bugs on some sort of arena with various off-ramps. The plastic arena runs $15. Ridiculous!

He wanted Bakugan and a Playstation 2 Bakugan game. He didn't even know what Bakugan were until we went to CBLI and a few boys there carried around the small circular toy. It is supposed to open up into a small monster when you gently drop it. The key word there would be GENTLY. I can't say my boys do anything GENTLY!

He wanted the "Cuponk" game. I did save the Target ad because our Target is too far away, but our Walmart will match the price as long as you bring in the ad. Target was offering this game for $9. Walmart's price this week is $14.95. FIFTEEN BUCKS for a ping pong ball and a plastic cup. O.K., it does have an eyeball painted onto the ball and the cup has skulls, but come on.

I outright told Trevor there was no way in the world I was paying that much money for a game we could recreate at home simply by purchasing a $1 packet of ping-pong balls. Trevor and Sean spent loads of time this afternoon and evening bouncing the ping-pong balls into a cup. Trevor did also inform me that the actual Cuponk lights up when the ball goes in the cup. I offered to shine a flashlight inside the cup when his ball went in.

There were $200 worth of "suggestions" on his finalized list. I think the poor kid is going to be disappointed. He already bears a grudge against the man in the red suit because he didn't bring something that was a "must have" last year. Disappointment is a part of life, kid. Get used to it!

We will remind him that he has so much to be grateful for, including a daddy to play Cuponk with.

This morning, in the town where we visit the library, a firefighter was returning home from his night shift. He was waiting to turn into his driveway, when the vehicle behind him smashed into his car, forcing it into the pathway of an oncoming truck. His wife and 3 year old twin children heard the crash from inside their home (as did his parents, who live next door).

We are reeling from this news. John and I keep going back to it and feeling again the devastation of such news. Our prayers go out to this grieving family. We hugged our sons extra tight tonight.

And, when Trevor's birthday arrives, we will thank the Lord for six loud, interesting, endearing years that we've had with our middle son. We will also thank Him for safety and protection and the chance to play Cuponk, without paying too much money!

Of Banana Bread and Broken Windows

Saturday morning, I noticed we were down to four well-spotted bananas. The boys didn't want banana pancakes, so I rooted around (my STACKS OF RECIPE PAPER - urgh) and found a recipe for Marbled Chocolate Banana Bread.

As I was making the bread, I was stunned to discover that the ingredient list is almost identical to my own recipe (which was greatly lauded, back in DeKalb, by the various people I shared with). Since this recipe was from Cooking Light magazine, they suggested 1/2 cup egg substitute and 1/3 cup plain low-fat yogurt. I didn't have the substitute, so I used my standard 2 eggs. Plus, I only had fat-free plain yogurt (which my husband eats ... I say "blech!").



Perhaps I tried to cut it before it had fully cooled, but it was almost too moist to cut into tidy slices (it crumbled everywhere and I scarfed down the crumbs before the dog could get to them). Flavor-wise, I did appreciate that addition of yogurt, and the marbled chocolate was a subtle, sweet taste experience. But I think I may still prefer my recipe for the simple fact that I miss biting into the chunks of chocolate chip. However, I'm pretty sure I'll be using this recipe from time to time and it does have a mouth-watering appearance.



I posted a photo on Facebook and immediately received some requests. This makes me happy because I really prefer baking when I can give away what I make. Back in DeKalb, I would bake five loaves at a time and take them to various friends. They enjoyed the bread and I enjoyed the compliments. It was a win-win. Somehow, I don't think I'll be eating this whole marbled loaf. John and Bryce have already both had several slices.

Of course, what would a Saturday be, though, without something to break it up a bit? So, my little guys obliged and decided to toss stuffed animals in the living room while I was making the banana bread.

What did we learn today? Elmo has a hard head!



Trevor tossed Elmo across the room.



Actually, because of the sunlight, this photo barely shows the damage done.



I let him sit in the guilt and fear of punishment for a brief spell before I went into his room and expressed how lucky we were. Amazingly, only the inner pane of glass shattered (which is probably another reason why it is hard to photograph the evidence of the crime). If the outer pane had shattered, we would have been forced to call someone to come cover the window with plywood, until we could call to have it fixed.

Plus, neither boy was hurt. It looks like the impact caused a rounded triangle (think three slices of pizza) to break away and fall between the two window panes. There were shards of glass all over the back of the couch, but the boys were across the room and didn't approach the glass.

The previous night we had been reading from Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories, a book from my husband's childhood. We had read a story called "The Splinters of Sin," about a young 5 year old girl who had disobeyed her mother and gone inside the work-site of a house being built. Ten years later, the small splinter that she had tried to hide from her mother began to fester and cause great pain.

Thus, Trevor immediately came to confess his disobedience (how many times do we tell those boys not to throw things in the house?? we even have a rule that the only safe place for tossing stuffed animals is in the stairwell - a rule that led to the demise of Woody). Hopefully, a lesson was learned.

I was recalling the many times we have begged him to stop trying to stand on his head on the couch. He would bound across the room and flip up onto his head on the couch, with his feet propelling backwards toward the window.

"Rules, boys, are not made to limit your fun, but rather to keep you around longer so that more fun may be had!"

State Fair Recap

Somehow I failed to write about our last hurrah of the summer. On Tuesday, August 17th, I decided to take the little boys to the Indiana State Fair on my own. It went so well. I felt thoroughly blessed and glad that I had dared to attempt it.

Thankfully, we were able to take advantage of the Turkey Hill $2 Tuesdays. As a result, I only had to pay $2 to get in and the boys were both free. Plus, all rides were $2 and many of the booths offered $2 food and drink specials.

I purchased enough tickets for each boy to ride 5 rides. Trevor started out on a parasail ride that Sean was too little for. Then, they rode four together:





The gunny sack slide.

A smaller parasail ride.

The dragon roller coaster.

And the swings.

After that, I explained that Sean had one more, but Trevor was done. Sean graciously offered his last ticket to his brother, so Trevor could ride a gigantic ride that swings back and forth and spins around (called "Fireball"). I was surprised that Trev was brave enough to attempt it alone, but then he does follow in the footsteps of his big brother, Bryce.

They also enjoyed getting their picture taken near the super huge American Gothic statue.


As for the animals, it seemed like slim pickin's. We saw the bunnies and chickens and roosters, then headed to the horses and sheep. All the pigs were gone, except for the two largest boar and the two newly birthed litters.

I couldn't have asked for better behavior, even though it was a very hot day. I'm hoping they'll offer this same $2 Tuesdays special next year. We had a wonderful time together.