Losing Our Precious Son

Parenting a wayward child is an exhausting and distressing role. We have gone back and forth trying to determine what is the best way to respond and help our addicted son, Trevor. I will admit, we have not always been in agreement. Much of this stems from my husband's personal experience with an addicted sibling who took his life. I think he was desperate to come to a different conclusion with his son.

From day one, Trevor was very much like his Uncle Rob. He did things with vehemence. Most recently, his driven, give-it-all mentality zeroed in on his bodybuilding. Here is a photo of him flexing:

Unfortunately, he relapsed at the end of May. At 2 a.m., there was no way to take him to a treatment center, so we took him to the ER. They would only release him into a residential treatment center (good for them!) At first, still under the influence of the drugs, he refused to stay for the 28-day treatment. He wanted to leave after the initial 7-day detox period. My husband wanted to let him come back home. In my opinion, that would only enable him to go back to using (our home is where this all began). I began to pray importunately for God to change their minds. Praise God! My husband told him he couldn't come home and Trevor decided he would stick out the program.

Of course, he had to detox from everything (including the Retitrutide weight loss drugs he was injecting and the steroids he was taking to enhance his bodybuilding). He said they had snacks available everywhere and he had to get some dopamine somehow, so he ate himself into a 60-pound weight gain. The relapse was a crushing blow! The loss of his intentions to participate in a bodybuilding competition in August was a devastating blow! From there, things continued to spiral.

He moved from the treatment center into a halfway house in Indianapolis. We knew this wasn't the best plan (after all, he knew where to access drugs in Indy), but he wasn't moving home, either. He was living in Indy, working at a Steak 'n Shake in Brownsburg, and visiting his girlfriend in Kirklin. Many miles driven at a time when gas prices are high. He couldn't even break even.

Then came some relationship difficulties. I think his girlfriend had made it very clear to him that she was clean and she would not remain with someone who uses. The friction and pain escalated. He responded in very unhealthy ways. When he posted something on Instagram saying, "Hope you all enjoyed the sh!t show," we were terrified he intended to find drugs.

Then, on July 3rd, he was coming to our home to pick up some food. He said he was crying and couldn't see clearly. He plowed into the front end of another vehicle that had turned into a subdivision just in front of him. His car was totaled and he knew we had vowed not to replace it (we'd already helped him purchase 3 vehicles). I'm sure his mind was reeling. No car. No way to get from Indy to his job or to visit his girlfriend. Not to mention, the possibility that the other driver might sue him for his fault in the accident. He was suicidal. He did not want to live. I took him in my arms and he just sobbed. We prayed with him. He agreed to go to a psych hospital as soon as his girlfriend could take him after she finished work. While waiting, he called and learned the commitment time was 7-14 days. He decided he didn't want to lose his bed, his job, or his upcoming court date, so he found an outpatient psych therapy that he could do in the halfway house from his phone.

On July 4th, he posted photos of himself at a party holding a beer can. His younger brother tried to tell him these decisions were unwise. On July 5th, I drove to his halfway house to take him to work. I bought him a pizza because his house meeting had gone long and he'd had no dinner. That's the last time I saw my beloved boy.

On July 6th, he took an Uber to work. While at work, he kept going to the bathroom. Finally, he went to the bathroom and did not come out. A coworker knew Sean's phone number because Sean used to work there. She called to tell him there was an incident with Trevor and they needed a family member there immediately. After my husband headed to the restaurant, the coworker called back. Sean said he knew it was bad when she couldn't talk. He then came in to gently wake me and share that "there was an incident at the Steak 'n Shake, and he's gone." I shot up. My initial thought was I wanted to see him and hold him one more time. I didn't think I could drive, so Sean drove me over. They would not let me near his body. We were there until midnight speaking with detectives, officers, and the coroner.

This week has been a whirlwind of planning and details. It feels like every minute I have something else to think about or address. I'm holding together fine (probably helped by the antidepressant medication I'm on), but my husband is grieving intensely. I'm glad Trevor is no longer in the intense emotional pain he was carrying. I'm glad he no longer has to struggle and fight this demon.

If you want to view his obituary, a photo slideshow, and a remembrance journal, you can follow this link. We also set up a Trevor Hill Addiction Memorial Fund. Now begins the dreadful process of learning to live without him. After picking our oldest son, Bryce, up from the airport, we stopped to get Chinese carry-out. As I went in to pick up the food, I realized we will never be able to eat inside that restaurant again. Trevor loved to eat there and ate with gusto. Then, on Thursday, I finally managed to get in a walk. I used to always spend most of my walks praying about Trevor. That was a crushing moment.

Please pray for our family as we walk this difficult road. Even though I had irrationally wanted to see him on the night of his death, I know that the most difficult moment will be when we come for the visitation and see him laid out, a shell of the person he once was, devoid of his spark. I have asked to speak a few words. I am praying I am not incapacitated with grief. Pray we will hold up as they lower his body into the ground, in a finality that cannot be erased. We are heart-sick and deeply saddened by the loss of our precious son.

Mid-month Mention #2: Addiction Talks

For whatever reason (algorithms probably), my Facebook feed has been full of suggested pages about addicts and overdoses. I find this somewhat traumatic, to have to revisit the past or contemplate what easily could come in the future. I get the outrage! The fentanyl crisis continues to escalate. Indeed, I would probably be posting my son's image on those pages too, if he hadn't survived. This country has a problem and I doubt we're going to address it sufficiently any time soon.

When Johann Hari's Ted Talk popped up on my feed, I took the time to watch the short excerpt. Then, I went and found the full 15-minute talk. It is one of the best things I've listened to, when it comes to addiction. I will summarize, but I consider the full thing worth watching:

It is titled "Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong." Tired of watching loved ones fight addiction, Johann sought experts in order to better understand the dilemma. He explains that initial studies put rats in a cage and provided either clean water or drugged water. The rats continually drank the drugged water and overdosed. This is where much of our idea about the chemical hooks of addiction developed. 

But, another scientist came along and questioned the study. This man created what he called "Rat Parks," full of all kinds of stimuli, instead of a sterile cage. When the rats had access to food, entertainment, other rats, and other sources of satisfying contact, they no longer chose the drugged water. His premise suggested it wasn't about the chemical hook, but rather about the cage. This emphasized the truth that we all have a natural need for bonding. Addicts seek their drug of choice because they cannot bear being present in their sterile, unfulfilling lives.

Johann looked at Portugal's approach to their overwhelming drug abuse problems. They had been following the American way: throwing addicts in jail, shaming them, and isolating them further. Portugal realized this wasn't working. They redirected all the money that would have gone to that and pushed it to programs to replug addicts into society. Portugal funds jobs and social programs for addicts. They work to eliminate addiction by fighting isolation and discontented loneliness. I loved the final line in the Ted Talk. Johann says:

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety! 

The opposite of addiction is CONNECTION!"

This is what my son needs! I still fully believe that he needs the Lord, first and foremost! (Relationship with our heavenly Father is the most important connection in fighting addiction.) However, this need for community is real! He needs to find a place where he belongs, where he feels integrated and fulfilled. He needs to establish real friendships and connections. What a difference it could make if we could steer him into a job that meant something to him, instead of minimum wage fast food positions (often the only ones willing to take a chance on addicts). I will keep praying, but we're not there yet.

While looking for the full Ted Talk, I happened upon an episode of the Andrew Huberman show. He interviews Dr. Anna Lembke in an episode called "Essentials: Understanding & Treating Addiction." I watched this one, too. One of the key things I heard in this interview was the idea that truth-telling is at the core of recovery. She pointed out that "honesty creates intimate connections." Connections, again! Honesty! Connections! Both of these get the addict to the point where the drug use isn't as much of an interest for them. They are forming bonds that meet those innate needs. Toward the end, they move the discussion to social media addictions. Real connection (IRL) is the key to disrupt cycles of social media dependence. I recommend viewing both of these to learn more about addiction and how to fight it.

Compilation: A Baker's Dozen Health and Nutrition Books

As we approach the Christmas gift season, I wanted to provide a compilation of outstanding daily devotionals. It is a great time to give the gift of a devotional that covers every day of the year. Alas, I can only recommend two, despite owning and working through many more. It came down to Paul David Tripp's New Morning Mercies and Bob Hostetler's The Shakespeare Devotional. Since 2 books hardly made a compilation, I shifted gears and chose to highlight health and nutrition books.

One would think I'm a fit and thin individual, given the number of nutrition and health books I read. One would be sadly mistaken. I love to read about this subject. Implementing what I read is something of a struggle. Again, though, it is that time of year when gifting reflects best intentions for resolutions. Or perhaps, like me, you just enjoy reading books about getting healthy (sometimes more than actually getting healthy). I cannot say these are the best books on the subject, only that they are ones I have reviewed (although I didn't take much time compiling this list and didn't go back further than a few years except for ones I remembered well enough to call forth again). I have marked the most memorable and meaningful books with an asterisk (*).

1. Clean Gut by Alejandro Junger MD
2. Salt, Sugar, Fat by Michael Moss *
3. It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig
4. The Patient's Playbook by Leslie D. Michelson
5. Brain Maker by David Perlmutter MD *
6. The Aging Brain by Timothy Jennings MD
7. The Clean 20 by Ian K. Smith MD *
8. The End of Alzheimer's by Dale E. Bredesen MD *
9. The Lose Your Belly Diet by Travis Stork MD
10. The Circadian Code by Satchin Panda PhD *
11. The Fast Diet by Dr. Michael Mosley and Mimi Spencer
12. The Grain Brain Whole Life Plan by David Perlmutter MD
13. Intermittent Fasting for Women Over Sixty by Lauren Grant

Happy Thanksgiving, today, and here's to happy, healthy eating in 2025! May I keep off the 19 pounds I lost in 2024, in preparation for my son's wedding. What are your favorite or most impactful health and nutrition books? Do you struggle with implementing what you read when you read in this subject?

Book Review: Hope is the First Dose

When my library listed this on their recent acquisitions, I knew I had to read it. Hope is the First Dose: A Treatment Plan for Recovering from Trauma, Tragedy, and Other Massive Things should be mandatory reading for anyone reeling from great losses or traumatic life events. As I read, I kept wishing I owned the book so I could highlight and underline key passages. Instead, I settled for sticky notes on pages I wanted to revisit.

Dr. W. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon. He explains things with precision and ease. Plus, he knows trauma and what happens when you endure TMT, The Massive Thing, that disrupts your life. Someone stabbed Warren's 19-year-old son to death. This trauma left him struggling to maintain a peaceful equilibrium. He spends much of the book analyzing how trauma disrupts life and why we react the way we do. He talks about how he had always believed "that if I tried to live a good life, God would come through for me. Losing a son was the first time God had seemed to say, 'Here's a situation you can't control or prevent with good behavior, and you can't undo it or fix it.'" This propelled him into dark spaces where he would revisit the pain and trauma (how I can relate!).

Dr. Warren outlines the four paths people take after experiencing trauma in whatever form (an unexpected diagnosis, a marital loss, whatever sends you reeling): Untouchables (endure readily), Climbers (begin discouraged, but climb to resilience), Dippers (start high, but hit valleys, and resume), and Crashers (those who burnout because of their loss or trauma). Whatever your path, TMTs will change you. As he expresses it, you might climb out of the furnace of suffering to escape the fire, but you will still smell like smoke. You want to make the TMT a thing in your life, not the thing in your life.

As Warren discusses insights from Lamentations, he gives a nod to another favorite book of mine, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, by Mark Vroegop. Next, he examines the psalms of Asaph and David. He recognizes that they "acknowledged the darkness while [they] waited for the dawn." Or in another Mark Vroegop quote, "Hope springs from truth rehearsed." Throughout this exposition, Warren is reminding you that you must retrain (or as he puts it, do self-surgery) your brain. You can choose to focus on the trauma and the hopelessness, but it will cause you to spiral. You must rehearse the truth of God's promises and destroy the lies your own brain wants to tell you about your situation. For his treatment plan, he suggests prehab, self-brain surgery, then rehab. But hope is the first and most potent dose!

Compilation: Science

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

In skimming my book reviews over the past decade, I found 20 science reads, most of them focused on the brain or genetics. I list them in no particular order:

1. The Emperor of All Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee - hefty tome on cancer
2.  The XX Brain by Lisa Mosconi, PhD - preventing Alzheimer's in female brains
3. The Body by Bill Bryson - an often humorous field guide to the intricacies of the human body
4. A Molecule Away from Madness by Sara Manning Peskin - when brain molecules go errant
5. Biohack Your Brain by Kristen Willeumier, PhD - boost cognitive health, performance, and power
6. Remember by Lisa Genova - the science of memory
7. Twelve Weeks to a Sharper You by Sanjay Gupta, MD - guide to building a better brain
8. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD - healing from trauma
9. The Circadian Code by Satchin Panda, PhD - the importance of what and when you consume
10. An Elegant Defense by Matt Richtel - the science of the immune system
11. The Aging Brain by Timothy R. Jennings, MD - preventing dementia and sharpening your mind
12. She Has Her Mother's Laugh by Carl Zimmer - the science of heredity
13. The Genius Factory by David Plotz - the science/history of genetic engineering
14. The Gene by Siddhartha Mukherjee - hefty tome on the science of genetics
15. Mozart's Brain and the Fighter Pilot by Richard Restak, MD - enhancing your brain's potential
16. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot - powerful impact of HELA cells
17. The Human Blueprint by Robert Shapiro - the science of genetics
18. The End of Alzheimer's by Dale E. Bredesen, MD - prevent and reverse cognitive decline
19. Brain Maker by David Perlmutter, MD - how the gut heals and protects the brain
20. The Teenage Brain by Frances E. Jensen, MD - explores the challenges of undeveloped adolescent brains

If I had to select my five favorites from this list, they would be: The End of Alzheimer's, The Gene, She Has Her Mother's Laugh, The Body Keeps the Score, and The Circadian Code.

Book Review: Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess

I've said before how much I despise cleaning, that thankless task that needs to be done ad nauseam. No sooner are the dishes back in the cupboards than the counter is full again. As soon as I fold the last pile of laundry, one is crying out that a particular garment is unavailable because I haven't washed clothes. Frustrating! Yet cleaning has to be done. We can't sit around in filth, let dishes pile up, and wear the same clothes all year. [Side note: They did in Elizabethan times. This is the source of the term "spring cleaning." All winter long, individuals would bind feathers around them to add warmth. Once the temperatures calmed, they would go down to the river and remove the feathers and clothes for their annual cleaning. I learned that in a lecture given at Anne Hathaway's house.]

So, too, your brain can get messy. Anxious thoughts can take control and threaten your peace and sanity. Dr. Caroline Leaf is convinced, after years of research and counseling experience, that what you think determines how you feel. Of course, I picked up this book because I sought advice on how to rid myself of invasive thoughts. The advice is sound. The steps probably work. My difficulty is in mustering passion enough to put in the work. Just like housecleaning, it seems an endless and repetitive task. Indeed, she insists that in order to establish new habits of thought, you should practice her "neurocycle" steps for 63 days.

So, what are the steps, you ask? They didn't show until 168 pages in. The first half of the book provides background information on the brain and how it ends up in a mess. 1) Gather, 2) Reflect, 3) Write, 4) Recheck, and 5) Active Reach. While I want the promised results, I lack enthusiasm for pursuing the steps. If you have more willpower than me, you can even access an app that helps you establish these habits. Keeping a spotless home, a trim waistline, and a peaceful brain takes work. There's no easy way. I believe the steps outlined in this book will help. However, believing is not enough to make it happen. Every chapter ends in a testimonial. I'll let you know if I ever have one to share.

Book Review: The Body Keeps the Score

I attempted to read this book a year ago. A friend had raved about it on Facebook. However, only a few pages in (though I cannot remember why), I returned it to the library unread. Now, I'm quite sure the stars were not yet aligned for the best absorption. Sometimes that's how it goes. You try and nothing clicks. Then, you try again and wonder why it didn't work out before. For this particular book, I fully understand the timing.

After my traumatic event in early June (followed by PTSD intrusive thoughts), I was ripe for this book. In The Body Keeps the Score, author Dr. Bessel van der Kolk shows how unhealed trauma wreaks havoc on the mind and body. Oh, how I wish this book had not resonated with me. But it did. The trauma stories are hard to read, yet fascinating. Whether trauma comes in war or in childhood, it does not leave the body unscarred. The marks are there. So often, they simply need the right person to interpret them and the right therapy to heal them. 

Doctors have long thrown pills at the aftereffects of trauma. This covers the wound but may not allow it to heal. Thankfully, a new method, EMDR, using rapid eye movement may hold promise to help individuals put the trauma from the front of the brain to the back of the brain. This book thoroughly explains why our bodies respond the way they do when experiencing trauma. Anyone who has been affected by trauma would benefit from reading this book.

Compilation: A Dozen Books on Depression/Anxiety

In thinking of Mental Health Awareness Month, I decided to provide a compilation of books on depression and anxiety. As stated before, I know this list will not be conclusive in any way. These are merely books I have read and reviewed (in chronological order). Perhaps you might find them helpful:

1. Poe's Heart and the Mountain Climber by Richard Restak, M.D. - non-fiction
2. Who Switched Off My Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf - non-fiction
3. The Chemistry of Joy by Dr. Henry Emmons - non-fiction
4. The Omega-3 Connection by Dr. Andrew Stoll - non-fiction
5. Beyond Blue by Therese J. Borchard - non-fiction
6. My Age of Anxiety by Scott Stossel - memoir
7. When We Collided by Emery Lord - YA novel
8. My Anxious Mind by Katherine A. Martinez and Michael A. Tompkins
9. The Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D. - non-fiction
10. Life Inside My Mind by 31 YA authors
11. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb - non-fiction
12. Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris - memoir

I think my favorite was the very first one, Poe's Heart and the Mountain Climber. I remember Bryce's comment after hearing me listen to it in the car on our drives back and forth to school. He remarked, "Anxiety, blah, blah, blah, anxiety, blah, blah, blah." I also highly recommended Lori Gottlieb's book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Some of these reads sprung from my battle with panic attacks and newfound anxiety. Others arose out of research for a young adult novel I wrote about a protagonist with paralyzing anxiety.

As several of these books attest, the presence of depression and anxiety does not automatically preclude usefulness. Indeed, in The Power of Different, Gail Saltz talks about how creative and productive individuals often battle anxiety and depression, and how it tends to drive their creativity. Kathleen Norris also identifies the spiritual benefits of traversing an emotional wasteland. Think of the many spiritual giants who have also struggled against melancholy temperaments: David and Elijah, Charles Spurgeon and Mother Theresa. Next up I would like to explore Companions in the Darkness: Seven Saints Who Struggled With Depression and Doubt by Diana Gruver. You can find an interesting interview with Gruver here. If you struggle with depression and anxiety, perhaps you, too, will go on to impact the world in a positive way despite your despair. 

Compilation - A Baker's Dozen Parenting Books

My in-home parenting days are numbered. My youngest is knee-deep in driver's training and has only 2-1/4 more years of high school. But, I have reviewed quite a few parenting books on my blog. Primarily, I seem to gravitate toward two subjects: brain development and discipline. Here are 13 books on parenting, in order from first read to last read. I have also added an asterisk to identify ones that I highly recommend:

1. Bright from the Start by Jill Stamm
2. How to Raise a Child With High EQ by Lawrence Shapiro PhD
3. The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel MD and Tina Payne Bryson PhD *
4. Honeycomb Kids by Anna M. Campbell
5. Why Smart Kids Worry by Allison Edwards LPC
6. No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel MD and Tina Payne Bryson PhD *
7. The Teenage Brain by Frances E Jensen MD with Amy Ellis Nutt
8. The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron Lieber
9. The Five Money Conversations by Scott and Bethany Palmer
10. Thirty Million Words by Dana Suskind MD *
11. The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian
12. The Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp *
13. The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey

While I'm sure this list is miniscule compared to how many books cover this subject, I may have read one you never encountered. Moreover, if you are looking for parenting books, this provides a wide variety of options and several that I can highly recommend.

Book Review: 12 Weeks to a Sharper You

Once again, I was in the library with only moments to spare for perusing the audio selections. This book, by Sanjay Gupta, MD, was short and looked interesting. I needed a short book because I was due to leave on my FL/TX trip soon. This is a very practical and accessible guide to making changes for your brain's health. Each week focuses on establishing new habits in things like diet, sleep, movement, and challenges. Since I waited to write this review after returning from my trip, my brain is not as sharp - ha! I did jot down a few notes after listening. Here are my brief blurbs from the book:

- "Forgetting is as important as remembering."

- "Neurons wire together if they fire together."

- "If you've met one Alzheimer's patient, you've met one Alzheimer's patient."

If brain health is important to you, this is an excellent book with practical steps to improve not only your brain health, but by extension, whole body health. I think with my recent trip I tackled one of his suggested goals: try to do something scary every day. If you don't stretch yourself, you'll never grow. Take care of your brain; it's the only one you'll ever have!

Book Review: Intermittent Fasting for Women Over 60

One problem with receiving so many e-mail book recommendations (Bargain Booksy, BookBub, etc.) is that I jump quickly and purchase, then ignore the books in my Kindle for PC app. This book, Intermittent Fasting for Women Over 60: The Ultimate Guide to Lose Weight, Boost Metabolism, and Increase Energy, by Lauren Grant, was an exception. Despite not reaching 60 yet, I've been reeling again from verbal blips and mental lapses. The need to resume my anti-Alzheimer protocol (Dr. Dale Bredesen, The End of Alzheimer's) is strong. What I lack is willpower. Even when I know resistance is the best thing for me, I succumb to the lure of the foods I enjoy eating. Thus, I was eager and ready for a pep-talk. Lauren Grant's book came at just the right moment. While it is not "the ultimate guide," it is certainly a perfect pep-talk if you want to resume time-restricted eating.

The book was a quick read. Nothing new to line my arsenal but encouraging to get back into the swing of things. I bookmarked a few of the recipes at the end of the book: Italian Keto Meatballs with Mozzarella Cheese, Pizza Omelet, Keto Tuna Salad (surprised by this one since I normally ignore tuna recipes), Keto Salmon Quiche, and Egg Cups. At the end of the book, the author offers free resources to help you begin your lifestyle changes. Although I didn't copy many of these, I intend to use "The Food and Fasting Log," "The Habit Tracker," and "The Monthly Sleep Tracker." Those forms will be helpful as I begin anew to alter my lifestyle with healthier food and fasting choices.

Compilation: 15 Books About Dementia

Even prior to my mother's dementia diagnosis, I sought books on that topic. I suppose it began with a book club selection, Still Alice. Many in my book club could relate to the story by Lisa Genova. I did not know I would one day be able to relate as well. Although it can be a quite depressing topic, it is not without hope. Some of these books are non-fiction. Some are fiction. Each offers something to hold on to in order to get through the darkness. Here are 15 books I have read and reviewed (in chronological order to when I read them, earliest to most recent):

1. Still Alice by Lisa Genova - novel
2. Dancing With Rose by Lauren Kessler - memoir
3. The Patient's Playbook by Leslie D. Michelson  - non-fiction
4. Brain Maker by Dr. David Perlmutter - non-fiction
5. Switch by Ingrid Law - middle-grade novel
6. Before I Forget by B. Smith and Dan Gasby - memoir
7. Where the Light Gets In by Kimberly Williams-Paisley - memoir
8. The Forgetting Time by Sharon Guskin  - novel
9. Goodbye Vitamin by Rachel Khong  - novel
10. The Aging Brain by Dr. Timothy Jennings - non-fiction
11. The End of Alzheimer's and The E. of A. Program by Dr. Dale E. Bredesen - non-fiction
12. How to Forget by Kate Mulgrew - memoir
13. Walking Through Twilight by Douglas Groothuis - memoir
14. Four Umbrellas by June Hutton and Tony Wanless - memoir
15. Biohack Your Brain by Kristen Willeumier, PhD - non-fiction 

We decided to watch Still Alice on Saturday night. Given all of my recent brain blunders and speech slips, it was hard to watch. Just yesterday, I was trying to say "egg shell" and could only get out "egg thingie." My siblings have asked if I will take the genetic testing to see if I'm a carrier of the Alzheimer gene, but frankly that terrifies me. I'd rather not know. Plus, the movie indicated if one tests positive, it is a 100 percent chance the individual will present with dementia at some point in the future. To be given that finality is, perhaps, more than I could bear. Whatever happens, it is in God's hands.

Book Review: The Puzzler

Prior to her decline into dementia, my mother shared my passion for puzzles. I try to start my day with quiet time in God's Word, but starting immediately isn't conducive because my brain is still sluggish. To fix the problem, I start my day with a Fill-In puzzle. My mother-in-law was always keen on crossword puzzles. I find those too hard. Fill-Ins are a magical sort of puzzle because they provide the words and you fit them in the grid.

Fill-Ins did not appear in this fascinating study of puzzles written by A. J. Jacobs, The Puzzler: One Man's Quest to Solve the Most Baffling Puzzles Ever, from Crosswords to Jigsaws to the Meaning of Life. Two words in the subtitle clarify why Fill-Ins didn't make the grade. Fill-Ins are for those who want a slow jaunt for the brain, not a Kilimanjaro climb. Still, I love them. A few of my Fill-In books even have other ones I favor: Frameworks, Letterboxes, and Stretch Letters. Revs the engine, but doesn't tax the noggin.

Right from the start, I appreciated Jacobs' sense of humor. He mentions that the Rubik's Cube makers billed it as having over 3 billion combinations. Apparently, that was a gross underestimation. It has 43 quintillion combinations, but they figured most of us cannot fathom a number that large. To show the absurdity, he said that's like saying, "McDonalds - over 2 served." 

Jacobs articulates that thrill I feel when I solve a jigsaw puzzle or cryptogram (used to get those in the Indy Star, but no longer subscribe). His book breaks down all sorts of puzzles: Crosswords, Anagrams, Rebuses, Jigsaws, Mazes, Sudoku, Puzzle Boxes, and British Cryptics (yikes, no thank you). He goes above and beyond to reach out to the ultimate examples of each of these puzzles. The book even contains a puzzle contest. But, don't get too excited. Someone has already found the clue in the book, solved the requisite puzzles and won the $10,000 prize. I did not take the time to think on any of the puzzles in the book, but it was a delightful and fun read anyway. 

Book Review: Biohack Your Brain

With due date looming, I skimmed this book one afternoon. I continue to make verbal mistakes and brain blunders. It is hard not to see dementia hiding in every corner when such things happen. The other day, after putting down a new rug in Sean's room, I quipped, "Now we need to iron it." Of course, I meant "vacuum" it, but the faux pas made us snort with laughter. Underneath the laughter lies the terrifying question of a future similar to my mother's. If anyone is eager to "biohack" the brain, it's me.

Kristen Willeumier is a neuroscientist who studied NFL football players and the results of concussion. Even those most debilitated were able to reinvigorate their mental faculties. Willeumier declares that no matter what your age, there are easy steps you can take in the hopes of better brain health. She includes several excellent lists, like 10 ways to change your brain in 10 minutes: walk, eat dark chocolate (okay, I'm game), sit up straight, write with your non-dominant hand, eat blueberries, learn a new word, visualize ways to improve your day, spend 10 minutes away from devices, breathe essential oils, and keep a gratitude journal. Then there's a list of 10 brain games for a sharper mind: read, learn a new word a day, computer brain games, learn a new language, create art, volunteer, write creatively, do crossword/jigsaw puzzles, vary your way to work, and try something new.

Willeumier's book is full of dietary advice, exercise encouragement, supplement suggestions, and hydration advocacy. While I already follow much of her advice, I could be more intentional. She gears these steps toward the everyday individual. You don't have to shift everything in your life, but small steps will lead to change. As she exhorts: set realistic incremental goals, track your progress, have an accountability partner, and - most of all - enjoy it!

Book Review: In an Instant

In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing presents the dueling voices of Bob and Lee Woodruff. Together they share the tale of tragedy that befell their family when Bob suffered a traumatic brain injury after a bomb explosion in Iraq while reporting for ABC's World News Tonight. I enjoyed this honest exploration of emotions and expectations. It was an audio experience worth taking. From the outset, because Bob narrates too, we know it will end with remarkable survival and healing. But anyone who has had life change dramatically in a moment will understand how what was once easy and normal can shift into challenging and strange. The Woodruff family endured something many will never experience, yet their experience is universal when held against the challenges that can transpire "in an instant."

Book Review: A Molecule Away from Madness

A Molecule Away from Madness, by Sara Manning Peskin, reminded me of Oliver Sacks' books. Peskin is a competent cognitive neurologist who weaves stories of individuals suffering from a crisis in the brain. Although not quite as delightful as his books, her stories were interesting and the scientific explanations easy enough to understand. Peskin discusses a variety of illnesses brought on by errant molecules in the brain. She explains what went wrong and what doctors are doing to research and correct these problems.

Peskin argues that molecules in the brain can turn into mutants, rebels, invaders and evaders. In this way, a normal college student can wake one morning unable to remember what she had for breakfast and, by the end of the day, assume she is in a zombie apocalypse. Mutants are altered strands of DNA that bring illnesses into families. Rebels are proteins, meant to defend us, that aim at the brain and attack. Peskin writes that using a "locomotive analogy, you can think of small molecules either as obstacles that block the train tracks (invaders) or as fuel required for the train to move in the first place (evaders)." If you are interested in the brain, this book might appeal to you. Since my own brain feels hijacked, I could definitely relate to living just a molecule away from madness. I just pray I can find a way to stave off any mutants, rebels, invaders and evaders attacking my brain. 

Book Review: Four Umbrellas

This is the review that almost wasn't - not thanks to my cognitive impairment necessarily, but thanks to my careless elbow landing on the trash button of my phone. I have taken to writing some of my book reviews on my phone while waiting for my son at his ranch job. I would be sunk if it weren't for my technologically savvy and cognitively healthy sons - ha! Sean immediately showed me how to retrieve the recently deleted note full of my book reviews. Shwew!

Four Umbrellas is a memoir of a couple's experience with early-onset Alzheimer's. It was very difficult to read, in light of many recognizable traits. I'm probably magnifying my risks because of my mother's diagnosis, but when multiple episodes cluster, I grow anxious. For example, someone hit our mailbox and knocked off one number. John asked me to make the simple fix, but I put the one on the wrong end, making it say 1011 instead of 1101. He worried we may have missed a package delivery before he noticed and fixed it. I felt guilty, frustrated, and scared. I have also had mishaps with our coffee maker (granted, it is early morning - often 4 a.m., but still ...) One day, I ran the individual coffee side without a mug (coffee all over the counter and dripping onto the floor). Then, I ran the carafe side without water another day. I forgot to add sugar to my zucchini loaves (thankfully, I taste-tested our loaf before gifting the second loaf). Hopefully, John's birds enjoyed those dry loaves. I could laugh off one incident, but many leave me cringing.

The title of the book comes from an incident where the husband packed four umbrellas. It also could symbolize the four over-arching cognitive decline severity stages (NCI, SCI, MCI, and dementia) or four types of dementia (Alzheimer's, Lewy Body Dementia, Vascular Dementia, and Fronto Temporal Dementia). Since both the husband and the wife are writers (should I say "was" for him), they divide the segments into storytelling from the wife's perspective and insights from the husband's. The structure jumps around a bit, but it tells a heart-wrenching tale of loss. From a sharp acuity with words to rambling tangents, the husband's own involvement clearly reveals how devastating the process toward dementia can be. These are shoes I would rather only walk in through memoir, but will I have a choice?

Book Review: Hidden Valley Road

What a tragic, yet hopeful, tale of an unusual family! Hidden Valley Road: Inside the Mind of an American Family, by Robert Kolker, shares a somewhat frightening and always intriguing outline of the lives of the Galvin Family in Colorado. The father, Don, worked for the Air Force, while the mother, Mimi, raised their twelve children - ten sons and two daughters. Of the ten sons, six fought schizophrenia or bipolar. I could not look away, immediately caught up in the story and horrified by what madness and chaos the family experienced.

I appreciated the structure of the book. Each chapter begins with a list of their names and highlights the individuals covered in that chapter. The stunning cover photograph of all the boys with their parents on a long spiral staircase makes an impressive lure. Many parts were excruciating to read (abuse, fighting, murder, horror of mental illness). Yet, I was glad that researchers discovered this family and have been able to use their DNA, their experience, and their demise to increase our understanding of these dreadful diseases. I hope their losses will lead to new treatment and prevention for the world-at-large.

Book Review: The XX Brain

I looked forward to this book when I put my name on the library hold list. The sub-title reveals why it might appeal to me: The Groundbreaking Science Empowering Women to Maximize Cognitive Health and Prevent Alzheimer's Disease. I'm all about brain study. I'm deeply interested in preventing the Alzheimer's that plagues my mother. Yet, I completed this book with no sense of empowerment or vision of a secret unveiled for staving off cognitive decline.

Lisa Mosconi, PhD, is the director of the Women's Brain Initiative at Weill Cornell Medical College. She's an expert. As the title hints, the book's major thrust decries how medicine has treated women up to this point, failing to recognize that a woman's brain differs from a man's brain. It's not that I'm arguing her point, but I expected more emphasis on practical steps for women to boost their brain health than on a political analysis of the medical establishment. Give me the facts, ma'am! I finally arrived at Chapter 9, 150 pages in, where the book begins with advice about diet, stress, sleep, etc. Yet, I still couldn't seem to engage with the material.

I skimmed through the rest and briefly glanced at a handful of recommended recipes (none interesting enough to copy). The most significant benefit was a reminder to make better food choices when ice cream calls and the fruit looks insipid. Ha - this makes me think of my mother-in-law, who always offers fruit for dessert, and I stare in wonder because I don't consider fruit a "dessert!" Dessert is something sweet and tasty and bad for you (cake, pie, ice cream, cookies). Then again, she is almost 92 years old, so fruit as a dessert is probably not a bad call!

Book Review: The Body

If you've never read Bill Bryson, you must remedy that! He is a delightful and funny writer. His breadth of knowledge on various subjects is astounding. I first discovered his books when a CBLI speaker mentioned his book, I'm a Stranger Here Myself (about being an American returning to live in the States after years spent living in England). Then, I chuckled my way through A Walk in the Woods, while waiting for Bryce to compete in YuGiOh tournaments back when we lived in Illinois, laughing out loud by myself in the car. This new book, The Body: A Guide for Occupants, is in the same vein as his entertaining book, At Home (reviewed here).

The back cover declares, "Bill Bryson, bestselling author of A Short History of Nearly Everything, takes us on a head-to-toe tour of the marvel that is the human body. As addictive as it is comprehensive, this is Bryson at his very best, a must-read owner's manual for everyone." However, I don't believe this book is for "everyone." In my humble opinion, if you wish to read outstanding books about the phenomenal nature of the body, I would recommend Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey's books, Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, and In His Image. The biggest hang-up for me with this book was that Bryson presents all of this knowledge from a perspective I cannot embrace (evolution and random design). How can anyone digest all this intricate information about the body and maintain that we evolved from chimps to stand upright now and that it was all a meaningless venture that happened out of thin air? Blinded eyes admit the grand design but refuse to acknowledge the grand designer.

However, although I could not embrace Bryson's world-view or his lens, I enjoyed learning so many facts about the body. I attempted to share some unusual discoveries with my sons: cacosmia is a disorder of the sense of smell where, for the afflicted individual, everything smells like feces. Or how about this tidbit: "you can remove two-thirds of a liver and it will grow back to its original size in just a few weeks.... We don't know how a liver knows to grow back to just the right size and then stop growing, but it is lucky for some of us that it does." Or how about the power of flatus "tragically demonstrated in Nancy, France, in 1978 when surgeons stuck an electrically heated wire up the rectum of a sixty-nine-year-old man to cauterize a polyp and caused an explosion that literally tore the patient apart." I wriggled with discomfort reading about Samuel Pepys and his 1658 lithotomy - yikes, couldn't even read that one to the boys because it was beyond the scope!

I still highly recommend Bill Bryson as an entertaining and knowledgeable writer. Everyone should experience his wry wit and his extensive compendium of facts. How I would love to meet the man! Although, I dare say, I'd be greatly tempted to share the gospel with him in the hope he might catch a glimpse of the Creator behind the amazing creation.