My ES has been teasing MS mercilessly. It picked up momentum over spring break and I assumed that he merely had too much unstructured time on his hands. However, it persists. It is really offensive to me. I have tried various methods of dealing with this (he has always had a propensity for pinching the little boys' cheeks - and sometimes I handle it with humor, asking him how he would like it if I gave him pokes constantly and then poking him repeatedly throughout that day).
Tomorrow, he is grounded for the afternoon and evening because he responded with laughter when my MS got hurt. He has started this annoying habit of laughing and then saying "OWNED! NYAAA! NYAAA!" I've been very clear on why this is unacceptable to me. It is equally disturbing because he is passing on behavior to the other boys. Today, at lunch, my YS bit his tongue and I was shocked when the MS started to snicker. Of course, we had a long discussion about this.
In fact, tonight, my MS turned to my ES and asked "Do you love me? Do you love S----- (my YS)?" He was thrilled when the answer was yes, but then asked, "So, why are you mean to us sometimes?" It was sweet, sobering and sad, all at the same time.
When my husband heard about ES's grounding, he informed me that ES was casually explaining how he annoys a boy at school by doing the same thing. I don't want to raise a son who bullies or picks on weaker individuals. I don't want a son who fails to show empathy or compassion.
I believe that we teach a great deal by our example. However, I would say that our parental example has been compassionate and empathetic. I want to address this character issue this summer. I've been tossing around ideas like spending time volunteering at a nursing home or something.
I would love any feedback on this subject. How do you nurture and encourage compassion in your children? How do you help a self-centered boy reach outside of himself to look at how another person feels?
2 comments:
First of all, let me reassure you. Having three boys I can say that they will argue, they will fight, and they will tease.
That being said, I will tell you one thing I sometimes do: when one brother makes a mean remark or a "put-down" to the other brother, I then make him say 5 postive comments to make up for it.
I did this once at a soccer game. One brother made a bad pass, the brother watching yelled something unflattering, and so I made him call out five good things that his brother was doing. He had to say them so everyone could hear; I mean, if he had no problems yelling bad things, then by golly he could yell something good.
My son called out some very encouraging words to his brother, and a woman sitting next to us (who had overheard the entire exchange) was thrilled with the suggestion and was going to try it on her sons.
But that's all I have for you. It doesn't solve every situation, but I have found it to be effective.
Bia - I think that I must still be getting used to having more than one boy. I'm still a little green at this sibling business. Yes, a lot of the teasing comes with the territory (my husband, from a family of three boys + 1 girl, said as much).
I think as parents, we grew up with two extremes. My dad used your same tactic. We had to say 5 or 10 positive things if we expressed an insult. One summer, I had to write a sentence about treating my sister with respect 1000 times before I could attend camp. My husband said his mother was always complaining about how much they teased and tormented one another.
I will still be looking out for ways to nurture compassion because I think it is such an important trait for men to have. And, next time I'll definitely use your suggestion (today was as much my punishment as his since he had a half day at school so his grounding was on my court for most of the day!)
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