My mother-in-law is coming for a visit today. The boys have been counting down the days and speaking of all the things they will show her and the corn mush she will make for them. I have been counting down the days and trying to cross off things on a never-ending list of chores to do before she arrives.
Even if she doesn't intend for her visits to inspire such anticipation, I always experience immense stress before her visit. I'm sure this stems from the fact that we are living in a house which belongs to her. Subconsciously, I will always view this as a re-enactment of the various house inspections we had when I was growing up.
Salvation Army officers live in parsonages provided by The Salvation Army. Thus, once or twice a year, we would undergo inspection of our home (to verify that we were caring for the property as expected). Remember, my mother had five kids (oh, the stress that inspires in me, now that I have three boys of my own). Plus, we spent most of our time at church, leaving little time for deep cleaning of our abode. I remember dreading those inspection visits because we all had to chip in and make sure that the house was "up to snuff."
This is how I am feeling today. I keep trying to talk myself down. I tell myself, "You are not your mother-in-law and she doesn't expect you to be." Your personality is different and that is o.k. My mother-in-law is a powerhouse of energy and is in constant movement taking care of things which need to get done. She amazes me with all that she manages (an ailing husband, who requires constant care and cannot even get in and out of bed or chairs unassisted; a large house to manage and clean; a son-in-law and granddaughter who come for meals and sometimes, laundry, etc.) I am not a powerhouse of energy. In fact, I often forget to give my boys their vitamins or have them brush their teeth in the morning.
We dashed off to school this morning and I am realizing that I neglected to give YS his puffs from his inhaler and failed to have them brush their teeth. The drive to school was excruciating. MS talked incessantly. I would say he was merely excited because when he comes home his grandmother will be here. However, it would not be exaggerating to cite that he talks incessantly most of the time, visits or no visits. This morning, it was like I was living the Calgon commercial (the one with the woman who is being pulled in a million different directions and screams, "Calgon take me away"). Unfortunately, I don't have time for a relaxing bath and I don't have any Calgon either.
As I listened to MS prattle on and on, I began to wonder if this is how God views me. Is He up there thinking "If only she would just shut up and be still and listen to me for a moment's time, instead of constantly filling the space with her endless babble." How I wish I could learn that lesson and retain it.
"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)
I am not my mother-in-law. I cannot begin to fill her shoes. I am not God. I cannot begin to fill His shoes either (not that I'm comparing my mother-in-law to God. No doubt she would admit that she doesn't come close either). I am me. The best thing I can do, sometimes, is take a moment to be silent and listen to what it is He is longing to teach me.
4 comments:
Wendy, this is so interesting on many different levels. I have never lived in another person's house knowing the owner was going to check in on a semi-regular basis (SA days) or in my in-law's house. Um, that one's self explanatory.
I certainly am not about to dog your MIL. But I am in a semi-panic for you just reading this.
The pressure. I flip out internally when my in-laws come to stay. I try to make this house look like a museum and then when they are sitting on the couch I see a major dust bunny under the couch behind their feet and a cobweb hanging from the ceiling above their heads.
Oy.
And it's the SAME EXACT WAY over here. When those kids know Nana and Popa are coming I. Never. Hear. The. End. OF IT!
I do love my in-laws, seriously. But I have a pretty good idea of how you feel and it's hard to work through that kind of stuff.
So here's my long-winded build up to a challenge I'm giving myself and one you might want to join.
I decided on Thursday (few days ago) that I was going to consciously challenge the negative thoughts in my head and replace them with honest true thoughts. I'm doing this until my therapy appt. on Tuesday.
My therapists didn't assign this, I just wanted to see what might happen if I started out with something small and manageable. I'm still tallying results. I'll have to get back to you on Wednesday to see what happened.
I hope you enjoy your visit and then things go back to a semi normal state.
Oh, have I ever been there! When we were first married we lived in a house my in-laws owned while we finished college. Though it kept us from being homeless, I have often wished that we hadn't lived there. It opened the door for so much trouble. And every time they came to visit I had a mental breakdown just before, trying to clean the house.
I have one of those MILs too - I used to describe her as the energizer bunny. On speed. And she chatters without stopping, every second she's awake, in between smacking and popping chewing gum nonstop.
And after living nowhere near them for 7 years, we moved to within a few miles of their house.
Basically, the only way I have kept my sanity is that I hit the point of Don't Give a Poopy. It was just too exhausting to keep it up. The funny thing is, she seems to like me better now that she's seen my floors dirty and my hair all messed up sometimes. And while I know she judges me for sometimes skipping bath time if the kids are just too tired (we can always do a bird bath or quick shower in the morning), I also know that deep down she understands, too.
It is very sweet of you to want to please her. But you might simply try a "I wish I had your energy, but I don't. So I put the kids first, and sometimes the house doesn't get the attention it deserves."
If you were my daughter-in-law, I would be happy to come help you clean or just sit in dirt while you raised my grandkids well. Dirt can be cleaned. Ignored kids don't grow properly.
CG - Thanks for the comments. It was kind of ironic that you made your suggestion, because I will be blogging about just such a thing in my book review today. Do tell how this conscious detoxing of thoughts works for you!
Wendy - I suppose it is all pride, deep down. I don't want to be thought of as lazy, yet, like you said, I believe strongly that ignored kids don't grow properly. This is a season. Plus, to be honest, the clutter and mess just don't get under my skin the way it does for my husband and MIL.
I did manage to make things appear tidy. Actually, I know for a fact that my MIL wouldn't mind at all if she arrived and it wasn't tidy, because she would indeed roll up her sleeves and begin working. She worked most of the time she was here. She shampooed several rooms of carpeting. She washed half the windows in the house (and I mean, inside and out, even taking the windows out of their frames). She spent some time clearing more of their belongings out of the house to take to her home. She read to the boys. She literally can not just sit and rest (even though I kept telling I felt like she deserved a break from all her work to just sit and enjoy the boys).
I'm still working on my desire to fool people into thinking I am a super-mom. It is a very unhealthy way to live.
Wendy, I actually have continued to keep up with reading your blog through our busy work time. I just haven't taken the extra time to comment. I find this subject so interesting, as I always want my house in tip-top shape when my parents are coming for a visit, yet they could care less about how it looks. ~Karin
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