When this book, by Mary M. Byers, caught my eye at a thrift store a few months back, I had to purchase it. It was like the title and subtitle (The Mother Load: How to Meet Your Own Needs While Caring for Your Family) were really just another language spelling out, "You need to learn these truths." It was true.
The back cover said it clearly: "If you're taking care of the kids, who's taking care of you? Motherhood is an intense, round-the-clock job that does not come with scheduled breaks. But to stay healthy and happy, moms need friendships, laughter, solitude, and spiritual renewal."
I figured, if there ever were a mother in need of this advice, it was me! I've often marveled at the fact that I never felt overwhelmed when I was rearing my first son. It wasn't that he was necessarily an easy child. Indeed, I spent a long time engrossed in a book called Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka . Others would attest to the fact that my ES is every bit a spirited child and many tried to convince me that he was an ADHD child.
Yet, there are many differences in my life now, as compared to my mothering role when ES was small. Back then, I taught one high school class for two hours a day, during his nap time. Thus, I had meaningful involvement in an identity outside of the home. I enjoyed my students and even had the luxury of bringing my baby to the class, if necessary. Since my husband was in graduate school and working part-time, I was able to continue swimming laps for down-time and exercise. I was involved in a vibrant church and plugged into the small cell-group ministries. Even during the time when my husband and I were separated, I had structures in place to provide me with the personal space, solitude, spiritual growth, laughter and friendships necessary for coping with the challenges of motherhood.
However, when my third son arrived, mere months after our move to this isolated location, I entered a world which was diametrically opposed to supporting my needs during the intense "mother load." It is not really surprising that I slipped into a post-partum depression given the dynamics of my personal situation here. Even my best efforts at creating structures of support seemed to fail. I could not establish a solid church home for my family. A few attempts at establishing friendships fizzled. My exercise regimen became more and more difficult to fit in and I had very little personal space to call my own.
Mary M. Byers identifies 10 things mothers of small children NEED: solitude, friendship, balance, physical well-being, order, intimacy, spiritual and personal growth, self-forgiveness, laughter, and help. She breaks these down into chapters and provides stories to illustrate, suggestions for meeting the needs, and feedback from other mothers.
I would say that the book felt like a good "pep-talk" for me. It was encouraging. It reminded me that my own cup must be full before I can pour out any blessings or support on those who rely upon me. Moreover, it provided evidence (again) that plenty of other women are in the same boat as me, wishing someone would throw them a life-preserver.
However, many of the suggestions fell hollow for me. The primary dilemma I have faced is in my isolation here. Suggesting a babysitting swap with a friend, to carve out a few extra hours for meeting personal needs doesn't really help when one has no local friends to call upon. You don't walk up to a person you don't even know at the park and say, "Hey, I noticed that you have two small children about the same age as my boys. Would you be interested in doing a child-care swap once a week?"
Still, I realize that all of the points in the book were things I have clearly identified as intense needs in my life during this season of stay-at-home-mothering. It is both funny and tragic, but even my little boys know what my intense needs are. The other day, when I was having a mommy meltdown, my MS said, "Mommy, you need to take a few days and visit some friends in DeKalb." They recognize that I'm a much-better mother when I partake of that all-important breather to embrace old friendships and enjoy laughter.
I'm really thankful that my husband and children are aware of the intensity of my role and the particular needs in the midst of that role. I continue to pursue possible solutions for meeting my own needs alongside of theirs. I continue to strive to be a better mother (both in my mood and outlook and in my energy levels).
At the same time, I'm often reflecting on the fact that my mother-in-law, who is dealing with the intense load of caring for an ailing spouse, suffers from similar stresses and often with far less support than I receive. Thankfully, for both of us, this is a season. A season we will weather and a season we will one day look back upon and treasure (even if there are a myriad of details we wish we could alter).
3 comments:
This book looks like a good one for me to read up on!
It is a season indeed...in 4 years all your boys will be in school full-time and ES will be nearing his time to leave the nest. You will have more time for yourself as the little boys gain independence. ~Karin
Agreed, any mother out there can relate to this book and post. For different reasons I'm in a similar boat that you are in.
It's fine and dandy to say this too shall pass, but it's really hard sometimes to muddle through hour to hour, sometimes minute to minute.
And then I find myself doing what you are doing -- comparing myself to someone else who is in a similar situation and saying if she can do it, I can do it.
That can be helpful but sometimes I wonder if that's a hindrance to me -- to compare myself to someone else.
When I compare myself to someone else it makes me feel like my issues/problems are nothing compared to that other person so why can't I just turn this around?
As usual, this comment has come right back to me.
I'm just saying I hear you and it's really difficult staying home with small children. They can be relentless (as well as rewarding) and most days I am really looking forward to bed time.
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