Book Review: The Purpose of Boys

I'm always willing to pick up a book that catches my eye about raising boys. This relatively new book at the library, is the third book in a series by author/therapist Michael Gurian. I haven't read the previous ones, The Wonder of Boys, or The Minds of Boys. The sub-title alone, to this third book, would have hooked me: "Helping our sons find meaning, significance, and direction in their lives."

I will admit this is somewhat of a personal fear of mine, that we will not provide our sons with a good road-map for finding their ultimate purpose in life. As I read the book, I juggled dual motivations, wondering whether the author could provide guidance for assisting my own husband in discovering meaning, significance and direction in his life.

Sadly, one of the frustrations we have faced in our marriage centers on the fact that my husband really doesn't have a strong idea or passion for what he is supposed to do with his life. We both have experienced a great deal of grief over his lack of clear-cut direction. I certainly believe that boys and men suffer when they cannot determine their call in life. If only a book could give me all the tools I need to assure that the men and boys in my family recognize their potential and take responsibility for following their dreams and serving their family.

In the first part of Gurian's book, he presents societal trends which are putting boys at a disadvantage for determining their role in this world. He also discusses how boys develop and why steering them towards defining their purpose is so important. In the second half of the book, he provides strategies and tools which can be used to help your son discover who he is and where he is going.

One of the most useful aspects of this book are the sections Gurian devotes to sample questions to explore with your sons. Here are a few suggested questions to discuss:

• What is the most important thing you did today?
• What will be the most important things you do when you are a man?
• What kind of work do you want to do when you grow up?
• What is the role of a man in today's world?
• When does a boy become a man?
• What do you want to do to help people?
• Do you have activities in your life that show you're becoming a good and important man?
• What parts of yourself must you manage better so that you can succeed? Who can help you learn to manage these parts of yourself?
• What are your strengths?

Another section I appreciated focused on ten values to teach your sons: 1) The Value of Legacy, 2) The Value of Give and Take, 3) The Value of Failure, 4) The Value of Independence, 5) The Value of Identity, 6) The Value of Self-Reflection, 7) The Value of Ethical Action, 8) The Value of Self-Discipline, 9) The Value of Self-Doubt, and 10) The Value of Faith.

The book gave me quite a bit of things to chew over in my mind. These were things like a boy's need for physical movement and energy release while he is learning, a boy's need to conquer (thus the attraction and pull of video games), a boy's need to identify with older males, a boy's need to experience a rite of passage, and a boy's need for work and shouldering responsibilities. I found myself evaluating all kinds of things in our life: the amount of time we allow our boys to spend playing video games, how many chores we should be requiring, how we can nurture more focus on others, the importance of seeking out opportunities which exercise their strengths, the importance of male role models like coaches, etc.

Although I have not had time or opportunity to discuss any of these questions with my ES, I do hope to copy them down and save them for future discussions. Plus, I was able to express more understanding to my son for his fixation on the video games (previously, I think he's only heard me complain that he spends too much time and question his desire to play violent games). He is presently in another addiction phase with a game he received for Christmas. His obsession (and lack of concern for the needs of others) led me to call for information about volunteering at a nursing home. I'm sure he will balk, but I do think it would be helpful for his development.

There were a few aspects to the book that I didn't enjoy. The author used the biblical story of Joseph as an analogy for the process of becoming a man, but so many of his points seemed to miss what I consider to be the central lesson from the life of Joseph. The author presents everything in a very new-age, politically-correct manner. He places a strong emphasis on similar thoughts to "it takes a village to raise a child." His value of faith allows that it could have absolutely nothing to do with religion but rather focus on faith in oneself (really?).

Still, this book provided an excellent sounding board for determining what things we may need to address in order to help our boys find their purpose (or discern God's will for their lives). It caused me to think critically about some of our weaknesses. Although I may not agree with every interpretation or strategy this author presents, I am certainly in full agreement that boys have a distinct, genuine need to grow into men of purpose, who can give back to their communities and enrich the lives of others.