Mid-month Mention: Mental Health and Learned Helplessness

May is National Mental Health Month. As I've said before, this issue is close to my heart because it forms my most significant struggle. Lately, I've been struggling with everything: my parenting, my marriage, my inability to do what brings me pleasure normally (writing), and a sense of overwhelm in the face of these obstacles. 

I really identified with this podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman with Dr. Paul Conti.

Photo by Aleks Marinkovic on Unsplash

(I loved this image by Aleks Marinkovic because it shows books on a shelf, but it appears you cannot use them or access the knowledge within because of the bars across each shelf - interesting! What a thought-provoking image!)

One thing I'm addressing in therapy is the problem of learned helplessness. I am seeking to change some of my negative beliefs (I am insufficient) and replace those beliefs with affirming beliefs (I am sufficient to meet this challenge). This blog post, by Allaya Cooks-Campbell, was also helpful to me.

Another Psychology Today post on learned helplessness identifies my challenges and offers suggestions for solving this dilemma.

I had hoped to be further along in this process of changing my mind and my outlook. Instead, it often feels like I ripped off one band-aid (a trauma experienced last June) only to find multiple wounds yet unaddressed. Everything is oozing and healing seems far off. Yet, I will persist. I cannot give up. Indeed, as the PT article affirmed:

"People can push back against learned helplessness by practicing independence... and by cultivating resilience, self-worth, and self-compassion. Engaging in activities that restore self-control can also be valuable." 

Maybe that's where those affirmations and visualizations in The Miracle Morning book might improve my morning routine to make it more effective in my life. Do you struggle with mental health issues? What difficulties are you addressing? What causes you the most grief? Do you ever feel like a book on a shelf, held back by an inexplicable bar?

Anticlimactic Anniversary Celebration

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

In 2020, we struggled to come up with suitable ways to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. In the midst of a pandemic and tied to home by a prodigal, we created a list of 30 anniversary activities. That was a wash! We still haven't snagged time around the fire pit or held hands on the porch. How easy are those? In 2021, we made a brief daytrip to Indiana's largest waterfall - ha! Last year, we did the best we've done in a while. We took an overnight to a beautifully decorated and cozy cabin nearby. This year, August came and went with no festivities. When I happened upon news that Celtic Thunder would perform in Nashville, Indiana, it sounded like the perfect solution. I love Nashville, Indiana, with its quaint charm and delightful shops. Alas, the concert was anticlimactic, at best.

Last year, I discovered Celtic Thunder's You Tube videos from their PBS performance. Immediately, I fell in love with their songs, their sound, and their theatrics. The Nashville concert left me deflated and unimpressed. Thank goodness Damien McGinty performed, or it might have been a total loss. He exhibited his characteristic enthusiasm and charm. Why was the staging so bland? Not a lick of appeal, but just a plain black stage with no embellishment. Where were all the beloved songs? I had hoped for "Toora Loora Lay":

"Home from the Sea":

or "A Place in the Choir":

Instead, the only two classic hits were "Galway Girl" and "Seven Drunken Nights." Moreover, I find it offensive when secular groups sing songs glorifying drunkenness shortly after crooning "Amazing Grace." (No belief, why sing it?) Why the predominance of political Celtic content? Most Americans love Celtic music for its flavor and lilt, not its political elements. While there were a few upbeat songs, many were somber airs of death. 

They are a fantastic group and I wish them well. I merely hope they continue singing together in the caliber of former performances. For now, I'll stick with watching my You Tube favorites. Although, I may ask for a CD for Christmas so I can listen when I'm in the car. (My CD player near the treadmill has bit the dust, so I suppose I should ask for that, as well.)

Book Review: These Precious Days

I'm familiar with Ann Patchett's name. I even purchased a copy of her book, Bel Canto, after reading about it on another book review blog. However, it has remained unopened in my basement for years. It is always interesting how a variety of connections bring you to a particular book. Here, my renewed interest in reading Ann Patchett's work developed through an interview with Kate Di Camillo (a favorite children's author) on a podcast about book recommendations. I finally read one of her books, The Dutch House, two years ago.

I love reading personal essays. Something about getting inside another person's brain and life experiences is very appealing. Plus, often, you glean wisdom about writing. These Precious Days presents a variety of topics, but all of them home in on the gifts of relationship, writing, and reading. She writes about relationships with her three different fathers. I laughed out loud as she described her relationship with her best friend, Tavia. She describes Tavia as a gorgeous and popular girl who draws people like moths to a flame. This was perhaps my favorite passage:

"Boys trailed her like a tail on a kite, discomfited by desire.... As for me, well, I wasn't that girl. Not only did I pale beside her (of course I did, everyone did), but I lacked her buoyancy and ease as well. I was a serious kid. No boys were standing outside my window. 'You were too busy making art,' she tells me, as if boys were kept away by the force field of my poetry, my ceramics."

Too funny! I laugh because I relate! My other favorite essay explains the writing wisdom gleaned from Snoopy. Yes, Snoopy! It is a beautiful piece any writer will enjoy. In it, she shares a hilarious snippet where Snoopy receives an invitation to come out and play. In true rejection letter format, he gives his apologies and ends with, "We hope you will be successful elsewhere." Ha!

She also shares homage essays to Eudora Welty and Kate Di Camillo. Since I love Kate Di Camillo's work (sad to say, not as familiar with Welty), I now intend to remedy the oversight of missing her book called The Magician's Elephant. This is the one Patchett declares her favorite. She writes about coming to provide an endorsement for Tom Hanks' short story collection and then through him, meeting his personal assistant, Sooki. She writes about securing Hanks as the narrator of the audio version of The Dutch House (the way I consumed the book).

The title of this book comes from her interactions with Sooki. A very private woman, Sooki shares a simple statement of her battle with cancer. Patchett, whose husband is a doctor, secures her a spot in local clinical trials and invites her to stay in their home. Ah, the beauty of this example of giving leading to far greater receiving. As is always true, when you open your heart to another, your own heart expands.

Content caution: 📒 - the book explains her father's unheeded suggestions to remove sexual content from her books and also shares an experience with drugs, intended to ease some of Sooki's pain.

October Things That Made Me Happy

My dad used to lead the Kid's Club at our church in singing a little chorus called "Today I Will Be Happy." I can still hear him ringing out, "Today I will be happy, today I will be glad, today I'll make it the best day, that I have ever had." These days I need a fortifying song. I need a reminder to look for the things that bring joy.

We don't get out much. Indeed, our idea of a date these days is a trip to Sam's Club together and it is always colored by John's desire to browse and my conflicting desire to get in and out as quickly as possible. On one such occasion in October, John suggested we stop off at a local furniture resale shop that is soon going out of business (sob, I loved browsing that store). He spotted this lamp before I did and insisted on buying it for me for my book room. 

Yes, it brings me joy. Sometimes I sit in that room just to soak in the positive book vibes - ha! 

While we don't get out much, I was thrilled that my oldest son was able to take another trip, this time to Hawaii. He had a wonderful time and the photos he sent were so vivid I felt like I travelled with him:

So, even when life is restricted and uncertain, God gives blessings that make me smile.

Book Review: Romans 13 and Covid 19 - Highly Recommend

If you are a believer, a child of the one true King, you must ask yourself: Is this a spiritual war we are in, or a health war? What is the true nature of the battle? And what would God have me do in response to the developments in our world at the present time? Don't be one of the wedding guests who failed to bring enough oil for their lantern (Matthew 25). 

Some guests use the argument, "God's got it all under control. I'm just going to leave it in His capable hands." Is that a cop-out for actively looking for His coming and doing His will? God is very clear in his instruction to be alert, to stay awake and ready for the return of Christ. I want to be ready at the trumpet call. Will you be?

Now is the time to be seeking His will in His Word. Guidance is available if you will avail yourself of it! Don't leave it on the shelf gathering dust. The day is nigh and you will not want to be left behind.

Now is the time to be in prayer. Seek His covering for you and your family. Seek His wisdom for how to respond to every ratcheting development. Seek His inspiration to remain courageous in the face of those who perpetuate fear.

Now is the time to be fasting. Set aside what hinders and holds you back. Set yourself apart for God's use. Set your mind on things above.

If you are busy with those things, you could not do better than to read this book. It is full of truth and light. I fully intend to go back through it again and watch/listen/read the many footnoted supports given for his perspective. Moreover, if you read this timely treatise, you will gain even more motivation to be in His Word, in prayer, and in fasting. The King is coming! Will He find you sleeping?

Scaled Down, But Celebrating Nonetheless

Last year, amid the pandemic and prodigal parenting, we ditched plans to visit Mackinac Island to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. I created a list of 30 small ways to celebrate. Alas, we only tackled a third of them. I wanted to be more intentional about snagging even a small way to get out and celebrate our 31st.

Thankfully, school resumed on the day of our anniversary. We were told on-line schooling was no longer an option this year. Thus, both boys headed off to school for the day, Trevor driving them in his convertible. We packed a picnic lunch and drove to Cataract Falls, Indiana's largest waterfall. Ha! Having been to Niagara Falls a few years back, this "largest waterfall in Indiana" was miniscule. Still, it was lovely and peaceful and we had a fantastic day together.

We explored the upper falls and a graffiti-scarred, covered bridge. I found this very disheartening. Why, oh why, must people feel the need to leave their mark on something of beauty? Various names, dates, and declarations of love marred every inch of the interior walls of that covered bridge. Some misguided individuals even attempted to use this criminal activity to pronounce their faith. Seriously? You write on property that doesn't belong to you, saying Jesus matters?? Even worse, those statements were then altered to say "Satan matters" - ugh! John kept trying to get me to ignore the blights, but I was discouraged by those violations.

The weather was perfect. With a cool breeze and a shady picnic table, we ate without being accosted by too many bees or bugs. Then, placing our trash back in our vehicle (another pet peeve, I won't get started), we headed off on a hike to the lower falls. 

It is amazing how many people ignore signage and do whatever they want. We saw individuals wading with their children in the water, stepping behind prohibiting signs to get closer to the falls, and fishing off the other side of the rock walls (how did the guy get there?).

Still, we had a perfect day of precious time together. After all that invigorating exercise, we returned home, and I took a brief nap. We ended the day, with a date night out to eat.

To cap off our celebrating, we drove to Urbana this past weekend for a brief visit with my mother-in-law. We attended a matinee performance of an amateur play based on the Oz stories, but with a feel of fan-fiction. Our friend, Heidi, did a fantastic job as the music director. It was fun to listen to her accompaniment, to see the ballet portion of the performance, and to hear some songs, anyway. We will have to go back again because our brief catch-up with Heidi in the hall after the performance whet our appetite for a lengthier visit. Given the recent uptick in murder and crime in Indianapolis, we delighted in the opportunity to take in a play in a safer environment. All in all, our celebrations outpaced last year!

Book Giveaway: Pandemic Prayerbook

Prayer is always paramount, but especially so when hard times descend. This past year has been unlike any other I've experienced. Life has changed. Often it seems like the very fabric of society has shifted. We have all encountered uncertainty, anxiety, inconvenience, and difficulty. Perhaps, like me, you have cried out to God for His protection and provision.  

Several years ago, in an on-line writer's group, I met Darcy Wiley. She co-authored The Yes Effect: Accepting God's Invitation to Transform the World Around You. I subscribed to her blog. At the end of last year, Darcy posted about her Pandemic Prayerbook: A Pray-at-Home Guide for the Coronavirus Crisis. She offered two copies in a giveaway. Anyone who responded to explain what Scripture verses have carried them through this pandemic season received an entry. Yay! I won!

The Pandemic Prayerbook compiles 29 prayers for this specific time. Written by various writers, they cover topics like victims, nurses, physicians, first responders, essential workers, creatives, teachers, e-learners, etc. Each prayer reads like poetry and incorporates Scripture. At the end of the book, Darcy provides writer biographies, along with space to compile your own pandemic prayer. She encourages readers to post their prayer on social media and tag it #pandemicprayerbook.

Want to be a winner, too? If you live in the U.S., you can enter my giveaway for my second copy of the book in three ways: 1) by subscribing to my blog via e-mail (button on the top right), 2) by commenting on this post, or 3) by sending me an e-mail at wendy.hill0596@gmail.com to express your interest. The giveaway will be open for entries until April 15, 2021 (an easy deadline to remember - and, yes, taxes are due that day, no delays this year).

(Darcy's photo to accompany her prayer "As I Wash My Hands")

Gratitude in a Pandemic Year

What a year this has been! Unlike any other year I've experienced. Last November we discovered our son's prodigal path. Then, at the start of 2020, my dad broke his arm, necessitating my stay with them in Florida, where I watched my mother almost shrivel away into death. In March, the pandemic arrived with lockdowns, inconveniences, and uncertainty. Month by month, as I've kept my own chart of the pandemic statistics for Indiana, I've watched the numbers climb. 

August brought schooling decisions. Sean wanted to play football (amid my worry that such an activity would be unsafe), so we selected in-person schooling for him. For Trevor, wanting to continue his morning hours at his ranch internship, we selected at-home learning. That has been extremely challenging. I think his teachers were unprepared for providing both in-person and remote learning options. So many glitches. For his engineering class, the students in the classroom have access to software and programs for completing their assignments, while Trevor is told to draw sketches of the work (a far more time-intensive method and so he just neglects it). He also tanked on his Algebra class. Without in-person instruction, he felt unprepared to tackle the many assignments. Plus, once you are behind in a math course, catching up is hard because concepts build on one another. It has been difficult to determine if his failure is due to insufficient preparation for requirements or lack of motivation. He has always been in the honors courses and is thankfully far ahead because his middle school courses counted for high school credit. Still, quite difficult to see a gifted student fail classes.

Isolating and avoiding exposure is less challenging for us, since my husband works from home and I only leave to get groceries (and books from the library - 😉 - but use curbside pickup for that). Nonetheless, in October, John grew sick. He had barely been anywhere and always wears a mask. However, he had been working in the attic where we thought mouse droppings may have exposed him to hantavirus (a very serious lung infection that leads to death in over half the cases). He had chills, fever, headache, cough, difficulty breathing without coughing. Of course, the minute he suggested this as a possibility, I began envisioning my life, especially parenting my prodigal, without the support of my husband. To say terror overtook me is putting it lightly.

We also wondered if bird droppings might be responsible. We still have our friends, the turkeys, hanging around, and John has been raking damp leaves full of bird droppings. Thus, we thought it might be histoplasmosis. When he at last went to see a doctor, they insisted on a COVID test and also performed a chest x-ray. The x-ray revealed bacterial pneumonia. They gave him antibiotics, and the symptoms vanished.

Then, his test results returned - positive. We were in disbelief, mostly because his symptoms cleared with antibiotics (antibiotics do not kill viruses). Also, he had hardly isolated himself from us (made many of our meals), yet none of the rest of us had any symptoms or difficulty. Still, Trevor's job required a test before he could return to work, and the CDC required us to quarantine for two weeks beyond when John's symptoms cleared. Sean became a remote learner, much to his dismay (and he also had difficulty - for example, for one test on "The Ride of Paul Revere," the teacher included questions with specific verse references, yet he could not leave the test page to seek those verses - the students probably had the poem printed out at their desks - he brought up the poem on his phone, but still had to count down the verses to get to the appropriate designated sections). Trevor's test returned negative, as expected, and they allowed him to return to work.

Bryce had planned a two-week Thanksgiving visit (working from home for the first week). Even though our quarantine would have ended the day of his arrival, he changed his plans to stay at his best friend's house for the first week in case we came down with the virus. The day of his flight, he learned his best friend had tested positive for COVID. So, he ended up at our house after all. Praise God! He learned the results prior to his flight and not after he had already gone to stay with the friend.

He also planned to attend a small birthday party/getaway in KY with several other friends the weekend before Thanksgiving. This filled us with dread, because his 92-year-old grandmother intended to come here for Thanksgiving. Not wanting to chance exposure, or infect his grandmother, he canceled those plans (praise God). Almost as soon as he cancelled, we learned that his grandmother's retirement center would not allow her to travel here (relieving some of my stress over preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner - although I roasted a turkey for the first time and, despite my lack of kitchen skills, succeeded).

Thus, I am settled into a deep state of gratitude this weekend. My prodigal son has improved some. My father and mother moved into an assisted living facility just prior to this whole pandemic explosion, and I have more peace of mind, knowing they receive thorough care. God has protected us from the pandemic virus and a worse virus (hantavirus). We drove over to Illinois on Friday and had an outdoor visit with Grandma in a heated tent (she has been desperate to see us all; she's a social individual, so the restrictions are excruciating for her).

Bryce and Sean have spent time together playing Rock Band (always a blessing to see them share this experience). Here is a photo of one of their stellar performances - 98% each with a score passing 1 million:

Later, they roped in Trevor:

Finally, they even called on me to participate. I took vocals on easy, but managed to help them get a score over 2 million.

Though challenges abound, God's grace and mercy abound ever more.

Gratitude in a Pandemic Year by Wendy Gorton Hill

G – od has given many things that I do not deserve

R – ight relationship with Him and freedom through His Word

A – nd with that firm foundation, amid this crazy year,

T – rials simply reinforce that He alone is dear

I – need not fear tomorrow, with all its troubling woe

T – rusting His protection is the only way to go

U – nworthy, though I may be, His promises are true

D – espite uncertainty, He’ll surely see me through

E – ach detail ever subject to His command and view.

Politics, Pandemics, and Prodigals, Oh My!

Photo by Nicole Wreyford on Unsplash

It is November 2020. I am sick to death of my Facebook feed, exploding daily with fomentation of conflicting perspectives. Back and forth, each side insists that their man will lead them to the healing this land needs. "If only So and so is in power, we will see humankind improve." I don't buy it. 

Human effort can never eradicate the ramifications of spiritual illness. No matter who sits in the White House, America remains threatened by wholesale acceptance of sin and sin's infectious disease. This is the true pandemic. The insidious, invisible illness. Are you infected? Is anyone else infected by your actions, your movements? We are free to move about the country, passing along the virus indiscriminately. We are free to place our trust wherever political argument moves us the most. Why do we seek a political cure for a spiritual disease? Arguing a political perspective rarely changes human action.

If plagued by butting heads in our nation, I'm also tormented by butting heads in my home. I've been living in the parable of the prodigal son. Camped there for a season. Fully frustrated with my child's rebellious choices. Equally frustrated that the loving father in the parable does not force his child's compliance. God knows what man needs, yet allows him to choose the very action that creates the chasm. God, in His sovereignty, knows the consequences of our choices. Despite concern for our best interest, He will not dictate our way. There's an old Salvation Army chorus that declares, "His way is best you see... I'm in His hands." (Take a moment, it is worth the listen. Or view the full lyrics, with verses.) But, alas, we can ignore His commands, walk away from the Father, follow the road signs that declare "Happiness... ten miles down the road." Many say, "Get Your hands off me! This is my body! This is my life!"

It is like my child is on a train. The tracks have been blown to smithereens further down... is it over a flat surface or over a catastrophic abyss? Will the end bring minimal damage or maximum devastation? I can't guess the end, but I believe the One who knows and sees the impending danger. And so I post my signs, offer my arguments. Stop! These tracks are not reliable. Danger up ahead! Get off the train before it is too late.

But other signs stand posted, and he persists in following those. They read: "This is the answer to your problems. This will bring you the happiness and comfort you desire. Don't listen to the naysayers. They just want to spoil your fun. You have a perfect right to live as you choose. Stay on the train. Enjoy the view."

Relativists say, "You have your truth. I have mine. You believe what you want and I will believe what I want." I don't buy relativism either. Absolute truth exists. Both sides cannot be right at the same time. Yet, even when truth is crystal clear, man will rationalize and justify his departure.

For example, I've been listening to Siddhartha Mukherjee's excellent biography of cancer. The current chapters describe studies with incontrovertible evidence that smoking causes lung cancer. Yet the tobacco companies, eager for profit, spun advertising campaigns to minimize the evidence or call it into question. One man, disturbed by the one-sided advertising petitioned that truths from the other perspective deserved equal time so that an individual could parse through the evidence and make an educated decision about their actions. But here's the dilemma. Even when faced with evidence that smoking causes cancer, people continue to light up a cigarette. Their perceived benefits outweigh the arguments against use. As the book highlighted, some will walk away from chemotherapy and insist on having a smoke. You could post a sign saying "The bridge is out!" and they puff away, smile and say, "Just look at that view!"

Alas, I am a prime example of this. I'm knee-deep in a book about the protocol for Dr. Dale Bredesen's End of Alzheimer's program. As if to set the signs aglow in neon, I had a most troubling experience the other day. We sat at the table. I was disturbed because John had added pepper to the corn (flavoring he desires and I do not). As the others started eating, I said, "Aren't we going to pray?" They looked at me as if I had sprouted a second head. "Mom, we just prayed. You even bowed your head." It brought me to tears. I had no recollection of the moment they insisted had just occurred. Of course, wanting to reassure me, John said it happened because I was perseverating about the pepper on the corn. True, but I saw the sign.

For all the research into better diet and the books about lessening my chances of disease and difficulty, I continue to eat foods I know harm my health. I'd rather enjoy the taste of my cream cheese squares than begin again to rein in my out-of-control eating habits. Argue all you want. I'm going to disregard what I know to be true and eat what I know to be unhealthy.

As for my child, he may persist too. We can argue our perspective until the end of time, but he is free to choose what he will. When we present evidence, he pooh-poohs it and points to articles that support his position. He can find someone to defend his beliefs. He can say, "Get your rules off me! This is my life, my future, my decision." As Proverbs 21:2 says, "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes."

Given the inadequacy of argument, I should despair. If reason does not show the way and if reason, even when admitted, doesn't slow the way, what are we to do? But there I am clear. Arguments will not alter hearts. Superior debating will not affect change. God, in His wisdom, shows me the way. Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Luke 18:1 - "He told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart." Only by the grace of God will spiritual eyes open and physical lives mend.

This is the only viable solution for our country, as well. A president will neither make America great again nor make America nice again. It is only a man behind the curtain with no magical powers. As long as we refuse to turn from our wicked ways, we can expect the outcome in which we sit. We cannot contact trace this disease of sin. And God will not allow sin to reign forever. Even His patience has an end. But, His solution again? 2 Chronicles 7:14 - "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." Romans 12:12 - "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." I beg God to root out the pride and pigheadedness within me and remind me of His sovereignty. As Charles Spurgeon wrote, "When you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which you lay your head." I'm on my knees for my nation, for my family, for my son. Our solution? Repent of sin, accept His grace, and follow God's biblical road.

Celebrating a 30th Anniversary During a Pandemic

Even before the pandemic restrictions descended, we had doubts about our intentions to spend a few days together on Mackinac Island to celebrate our 30th anniversary. A prodigal child raises many potential scenarios we didn't want to chance. Despite vast improvement in our son's attitude and demeanor (his ranch internship has been a very positive contribution to his life), we still were too hesitant to ask anyone else to take responsibility for our children.

So what does a couple do when hindered by parental obligations and pandemic obstacles? Well, we rethought strategies and downsized plans. In the end, I developed this list of 30 little loving acts to celebrate our milestone. Let me tell you, 30 is a big number, so several seem repetitive, but I managed to eek out 30 nonetheless:

Photo by Johannes W on Unsplash

1. Spend ten minutes on the morning of our anniversary drinking our coffee together on the porch (depending on the time, we might even catch a sunrise).
2. Pray together for the future of our relationship.
3. Pray together for the future of our family.
4. Time together alone on the first day of school (with one at school and the other at his ranch job, we'll snag one hour - a blessing we've rarely encountered since this pandemic started).
5. Dinner out at our favorite restaurant, Tequila Sunrise (mmm, I can already taste the spinach and portabella mushroom quesadilla - since we're cheap... and old, we'll wait and celebrate on their senior discount day - ha!)
6. A trip to Dairy Queen on our anniversary night (we'll be able to bring some home for the boys to celebrate their last day of summer break).
7. Watch a travel movie (we may not go to Europe physically, but we can virtually).
8. Ask Trevor to do a photo shoot and either make a commemorative fridge magnet or photo collage.
9. A trip to Donaldson's Chocolatier to pick out a small box of dark chocolate.
10. Listen to a virtual concert together.
11. Brain-storm a list of locations for a future anniversary trip when the stars align for us.
12. Write a will! (Cannot believe we haven't done this yet - so important - must tackle soon!)
13. He'll listen to some of my recent writing (perhaps not his favorite thing to do, but it means the world to me).
14. He'll give me a neck massage.
15. I'll give him a neck massage.
16. He'll give me a foot massage.
17. I'll give him a foot massage.
18. Ask him to fill my gas tank (a task I tend to dislike).
19. Exchange our anniversary cards (and I will give him a small engraved wine-stopper I bought for him).
20. Hide 3 little love notes saying what we love about each other and then find them.
21. Take a walk, holding hands.
22. Make a small time capsule to set aside until our 40th anniversary - document what is important to us now, things we enjoy, etc.
23. Watch our wedding video together.
24. Renew our vows just between the two of us.
25. Take time together to answer the New York Times' 36 Questions That Lead to Love - to discover new things about each other.
26. Create a playlist of songs popular in 1990.
27. Take five minutes to recap the past year - the good, the bad, the changes, the challenges, the blessings, the way God has moved.
28. Take five minutes to set 3 personal goals and 3 couple goals.
29. Watch a romantic movie (we completed this one early, watching Somewhere in Time, a favorite romantic movie that takes place on our intended destination, Mackinac Island).
30. Use the fire pit (purchased but yet unused at this point) to sit outside by a small fire and enjoy each other's company.

I sent these suggestions to my husband and was thrilled when he accepted the idea. I told him we could substitute out some of his ideas because these are all very Wendy-centric (ha!) but he said the list was good. His only tweak was to change my idea of accomplishing all of this in a week. He wants to focus on one or two each week. Instead of celebrating for a day, we'll celebrate for several months. 

I still have my sights set on Barcelona in 2025 (to view the Sagrada Familia). It should be perfect timing, really. Our youngest graduates from high school in May 2025. An excellent way to begin the empty-nesting stage! 

Mourning Loss of CBLI 2020

Today would have been the start of our annual Bible camp, Central Bible and Leadership Institute - CBLI. Neither of my younger boys intended to go along anyway, but I had hopes of going solo for the first time since my teen years. I even contacted an old friend who provides a great deal of care for her grandsons. I pitched the idea that we share a Shagbark cabin together and I could have the counselor's room for privacy, yet be there to help her with the kids. I had visions of such fun because this is a cherished old friend whom I hardly ever see and love to spend time with.

Enter COVID-19. Exit dreams of CBLI-20. 😢

So, I came up with a plan to celebrate CBLI in my own way this year. I cannot benefit from the outstanding Bible classes. But, I can make a point to focus on my own Bible study. Since there are nine days to CBLI, I selected the one book of the Bible with nine chapters - Amos. I don't know how it will go, but I'll give it my best.

My Bible introduction to the book states:

"Amos prophesies during a period of national optimism in Israel. Business is booming and boundaries are bulging. But below the surface, greed and injustice are festering. Hypocritical religious motions have replaced true worship, creating a false sense of security and a growing callousness to God's disciplining hand. Famine, drought, plagues, death, destruction--nothing can force the people to their knees. Amos, the farmer-turned-prophet, lashes out at sin unflinchingly, trying to visualize the nearness of God's judgment and mobilize the nation to repentance. The nation, like a basket of rotting fruit, stands ripe for judgment because of its hypocrisy and spiritual indifference."

My, my. Timely!

Secondly, I decided to write nine letters (a letter each day) to individuals who have blessed me during my CBLI years and to make a point to pray specifically for them on that designated day:

1) I will start with Laura Allen, whose friendship and constant presence at CBLI have been like returning to a warm hug. She provided me with tons of camping tips (things she learned in her years of CBLI and CMI attendance - I think she's probably stayed in every cabin on the campgrounds - including Navajo, to which she wrote "NAVA-NO!!" when she spent the week there with mice - that cabin has since been condemned and torn down - yikes). I always look forward to our annual selfie and since she is a far better photographer, I often steal some of her images for my CBLI Re-cap posts. I have known Laura since my parents moved to an appointment in Chicago my freshman year of high school and am so grateful that our friendship endures and that she is always at CBLI, as well.

2) I could not miss thanking Linda Himes for being a Bible teacher extraordinaire! Over the years she nurtured my return to the importance of time in God's Word. I have such fond memories of all the deep learning in her classes on Ruth, covenant, and the tabernacle (those are the three that stand out the most - but I took other ones, as well). She always takes time to talk to me outside of class and has been a true blessing in my life, spurring me on to depth of Biblical study.

3) Many different individuals have led the worship times at camp over the years. When I think back to my first years of bringing Bryce to CBLI, I reveled in the worship leadership of Randy Bonifield. I can still remember standing with his wife, another Wendy, remarking on how odd it was to watch all the teens and remember that we were in that teen track over a decade before. And I will never forget the experience of one particular worship song Randy led (I believe it was a song called "I Went to the Enemy's Camp"). The teens went absolutely crazy during the chorus where they would chant of the devil, "He's under my feet!" and jump around in their rare teenage enthusiasm. Us oldsters (we were what? 35?) sat in the back and sucked it all in.

4) Another blessed memory, both with Bryce and from the years when my younger sons were small - fishing on the pier with Todd Thielke. He was so kind to take time for us (first helping Bryce to catch fish, then in later years, watching over Trevor and Sean in their enthusiasm for fishing). He took a photo of Bryce's largest fish title catch, but sadly, we couldn't seem to get it from his phone to send to me (probably because we had such archaic phones back then). I remember it was a whopper! Todd's kindness to my boys and enthusiasm for fishing will always be linked with our CBLI experiences.

5) There have been a few couples whose regular attendance at the camp always blesses me. Cheryl and Tom Westberg come to mind. Cheryl had a light bulb idea one year. Since she works in the book industry, she decided to set up a  Little Free Library at camp. For several years, she would load up tons of books to display on shelves and tables, free for the taking for campers to read during their free time and even to take home with them. You can imagine how much that thrilled me! She was also the mastermind behind several mom's day out trips into the nearby town of Antioch. I am so grateful to her husband Tom for keeping my boys so that I could participate in those adventures. We would go to the ice cream shop, the candy shop, and often a thrift store, too. It felt great to be included in that group.

6) Another regular couple at CBLI - David and Dawn Tooley (Dawn is one of the women in this ladies day out photo - This also makes me smile because Louise Rowland is in the photo and her friendship was very dear that year). I always appreciate their friendship, but I also benefited from several of David's classes. I think my favorite two were the ones he taught on John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be and Donald Miller's book, Storyline.

7) In recent years, I've been blessed by the song leadership of Eric Himes and The Singing Company (for a few years, my niece, Kirsten, was a member of the group). He instituted something called Evening Hymn Sing. Individuals would go to the front to share a brief testimony and then select a hymn or chorus from a laundry line of possible titles and we would join in corporate worship together. I don't often get the chance to experience intense corporate worship like I experience at CBLI. The swell of voices communicating praise to God brings me right to His throne. I have several favorites, too many probably to mention. I even used one to prompt a focus phrase one year - "Let Nothing Be Wasted." He is an outstanding songwriter and worship leader.

8) Carol Wurtz has been such a good friend to me during the years of her leadership at CBLI. She made it possible for the boys and I to continue coming to CBLI even after we stopped attending The Salvation Army on a regular basis. She always asks after me, talks to my boys, and prays with me when things are stressing me out (like one dreadful night last year when the troubles with my prodigal son were first appearing). We owe a great debt of gratitude to her.

9) Way back when we first attended CBLI, Bryce and I always knew we would get to spend time with Carol Hedgren and her girls (close to Bryce's age) and Christy Mantel and her kids (her youngest daughter was Bryce's age). We hung with them during the mid-week trips to Great America, took classes together, and spent free time sharing in the same activities (down at the waterfront, rocking the Funbugs - triangular boards you stand on and move across the water with your body movements - this is a photo of Carol's daughter, Jordan, who recently got married - ah, time flies). Many happy memories. Sadly, they stopped attending so it has been years since we were able to hang out together.

Third, I plan to focus on one worship song/prayer chorus with sentimental meaning on each day. These are songs I remember singing at CBLI. The links to the YouTube versions don't always communicate the same vigor we sung them with, but give you a taste of each tune:

1) "I Went to the Enemy's Camp" (this version is not nearly as energetic as Randy Bonifield's)

2) "Let Nothing Be Wasted" - original by The Singing Company

3) "These Are the Days of Elijah" - my boys begged to listen to this after we returned from camp one year - I love the part where everyone chants "There's no God like Jehovah"

4) "Never Mind, Go On" - another Singing Company song

5) "10,000 Reasons" - This was another favorite often requested by the boys

6) "Be Thou My Vision"

7) "Shine, Jesus, Shine"

8) "In Christ Alone" - this version is sung by Owl City - I love his voice!

9) "No More, No More!" - another Singing Company song

So, as I mourn the loss of my beloved Bible camp experience this year, I will celebrate all the memories and carve out a special observance of my own. I will study the Word, express gratitude, pray, and sing praise. It won't be the same, but perhaps it will in some small way dull the pain.

Forgiveness and Redemption Movies

I love books and movies about forgiveness and redemption. This is probably because I so desperately need forgiveness and redemption in my life. My mistakes and faults are numerous. Oh, how I need the grace of God and others!

Even though many of the pandemic restrictions are lifting, I still attempt to shelter in place as much as possible. Home is safety and security in an increasingly unstable world. Thankfully, besides reading (easier now than when the pandemic started), I have been watching some noteworthy movies and shows. I'm grateful for the Hoopla resources and Amazon Prime.

Back in October 2019, I read Simon Winchester's book, The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary (my review here). I discovered the 2019 movie version of the book on Hoopla and eagerly watched. All the while, I thought in my head, "Now here's a movie my husband would enjoy." He is most particular and quite fed up with modern fare, full of foul language, superfluous sexuality, and intense violence. I warned him that some aspects of the movie are loathsome, but necessary to express the tale of redemption. So, after viewing it alone, I watched again with my husband. I was right - he said it was a fascinating and thought-provoking movie.

If you are looking for a movie that fleshes out themes of forgiveness and redemption, this overlooked 2019 production of The Professor and the Madman satisfies. I marveled at the forgiveness and love offered by the victim's wife to the madman. Yet, Dr. Minor struggles with accepting her forgiveness (and God's) believing he must somehow make his own atonement for his sins (one of his more atrocious, disturbing acts). In his attempt to make up for her loss, the doctor improves this woman's financial and educational lot in life. Although he has shattered her life, in some ways, he has also saved her life and the lives of her children, in giving her the power of words. Though his mental illness harms society, it also profits society.

And once again (as in my book review), I kept reflecting on the precise timing and gracious redemption of Dr. Minor's story. If he hadn't been a doctor in the Civil War, he might not have done the atrocious things required (branding awol soldiers and severing gangrenous limbs). Without that devastating experience, he might not have gone mad. If not mad, he might not have murdered. Thanks to the verdict of insanity, he was secluded in an asylum at just the right time to encounter the professor's plea for help with the dictionary. Without Dr. Miner's time and tenacity, we might not have the OED as a resource today (they may have given up on the tremendous task). Moreover, we might not know this extraordinary example of God's gracious redemption of sin, pain, and suffering. The movie provides so much to contemplate about sin and the prevenient grace of God (God loved us while we were sinners - our depravity deserved death, but God offered grace).

Another outstanding opportunity through Hoopla - the chance to take in Cameron Mackintosh's 25th Anniversary performance of the musical Les Miserables. After completing college, I spent six months working in London on a student work visa. During that time, I snagged a rare treat. I secured a second-row seat for Les Miserables (off to the side, mind you, in a restricted view area - although I thought the view excellent) at the student fee of 5 pounds. What a marvelous experience. I ended the evening with the purchase of a tape of the performance and a mug.

I listened to that tape often enough to have the words of almost every song memorized. However, this 25th anniversary celebration provided the entire story in song (different from the musical I viewed way back in 1987). It was a rich and thrilling show! I wouldn't suggest it to my husband, because although it is a tale full of forgiveness and redemption, I had forgotten how many of the lyrics are rather raunchy in tone. Then again, the pristine doesn't require redemption.

It was magnificent! I couldn't help but sing along. So many fabulous soloists - young Cosette ("Castle on a Cloud"), Eponine ("On My Own"), Marius ("Drink With Me"), Gavroche, and of course, Jean Valjean ("Who am I?" and "Bring Him Home"). Talk about a tale of redemption! If you're unfamiliar with Victor Hugo's story, it is a must read. It tells of Jean Valjean, a man who steals a loaf of bread, serves his time, and then flees for years from a policeman who is intent on re-capturing him (despite the remarkable gift of grace that has turned Valjean to a life of redemptive sacrifice and service). One minor act of forgiveness (the priest's assertion that Valjean didn't steal his silver, but forgot to take the gifted candlesticks, as well), propels grace upon so many other lives. What powerful juxtapositions: Valjean's grace next to Javert's vengeance; Valjean's acceptance of grace and Javert's suicide because he cannot accept Valjean setting him free; the contrast between mercy and the law (as Javert sings in "Stars" - "those who falter and fall must pay the price"). Impressive!

Then I found another convicting movie called End of the Spear. I was already familiar with the story of the five missionary men who lost their lives trying to witness to a savage tribe in Ecuador. Since several of them attended Wheaton College (my alma mater), I had heard the devastating details and even had a close friendship with the niece of the widow Elisabeth Elliot (Jim Elliot, one of the five, is most known for his quote, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain that which he cannot lose.")

Presented from the perspective of Steve Saint (a mere child when natives speared his pilot father, Nate Saint), End of the Spear is a magnificent tale of forgiveness and redemption. After the five men died, the wives and their children moved to live with the violent tribe and show them the personal forgiveness that wooed them to God's ultimate forgiveness. The ensuing friendship between Steve and the man who killed his father is a testament to what God can do in a heart. Convicting! I struggle with forgiving far lesser offenses. Indeed, what is a marital conflict over parenting tactics when held against the murder of a family member? Why do I worry about offending others by speaking of my faith? Oh, for the depth of grace and forgiveness shown in these movies and the unwavering dedication to sharing the gospel of salvation from sin through Christ's death on a cross. I need that constant reminder from Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

A Peek at my Pandemic Season

Celebrating:

I took our old camcorder videos to have them transferred to DVDs (am supposed to get them back today, in fact). Our library offers use of a machine for transferring VHS to DVD for free, but it has been closed since the lockdown started and besides, you must sit there at the machine throughout the lengthy process. While viewing the mini-camcorder tapes to discern chronological order, I viewed a bit of Bryce's birth video (not the actual birthing process, of course, but the preliminary days as my belly expanded and the initial days of his welcome home). John taped me on my 31st birthday, with infant Bryce lying on my chest and me piping up with "This is the best birthday present - to hold my newborn."

This past weekend, I celebrated my 55th birthday. Again, the best birthday present? Having my 24-year-old son home from Texas for a week-long visit! He drove all the way from Houston to see us and brought gifts: a set of my favorite colored pens for journaling and a copy of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. I was tardy in placing my name on the library's hold list and dreaded waiting for 30 others to use their 3 week turn. Both Sean and I will enjoy the book. I also appreciated John's gifts (a t-shirt that reads "At times I think to myself, 'Drop the book and get stuff done!' Then, I laugh and turn the page." Plus, a new Sony CD player - much needed for my treadmill listening). We had a cook-out and DQ ice cream cake for dessert. It was fun to combine our celebrations, as we gave Bryce his belated birthday gifts.

We're laughing because I had to stand on the hearthstone in order to get my face close enough to his (he's almost 6'2") - ha!

Virtual Viewing:

Carey Nieuwhof wrote an interesting article outlining 7 new disruptive church trends. I can attest to 1 detail. Instead of viewing my home church's service, I tend to view Salvation Army services (often the Oakbrook Terrace corps service, where my brother and his family attend and where my nephew and his wife serve on the worship team). In addition, I seek the sermons of great preachers and apologists. This week, I've sought the convicting and inspiring words of Ravi Zacharias. A brilliant and articulate champion of the faith, Ravi died of cancer last week. If you have the time, I highly recommend this 12 minute video sharing some of his final thoughts:


Two longer (35-40 minute), but worthy investments of time: His Passion conference sermon and a sermon from Gateway Church, both from January 2020. I've also been watching the sermons of Dr. David Jeremiah. This 4 minute snippet of Dr. Jeremiah's sermon outlining all the positive results from past times of sheltering is encouraging:



When not listening to sermons, I relish Salvation Army brass banding fare. Here's a virtual performance of the Salvation Army song, "I'll Stand for Christ":



And I don't know if this Facebook video link will work (not sure what the poster has for privacy settings), but an outstanding performance of "Day by Day".

Close-up Viewing:

I bought a cedar bluebird feeder for John and he put it up in his bird sanctuary behind the house:

For days, it sat untouched, so John removed the plexiglass. Although I've seen a bird or two swoop in, grab seed, and fly away, this is primarily what I see when I sit at my upstairs desk (not the new desk), gazing out the window:

We get plenty of goldfinches, house finches, indigo buntings, bluejays, cardinals, orioles, hummingbirds, and woodpeckers:

I've also seen a fox (didn't capture photos) and a brown baby mink right up on the stones, catching a chipmunk, but the photo is unclear, and when I tried to crop it (mink in mddle of photo), it only blurred:

Thankfully, he came back (just now) and I captured some clearer shots:

Usually, we only see raccoons, skunks, opossums, and deer. Plus, I noticed a part-albino squirrel that lives in a nearby tree (full white tail, white underbelly, and four white paws - again no photos).

Purging:

Despite the sentiment on my new t-shirt, I applied myself to get something done and weeded through Sean's and my clothes. I know they were favorites, but did I really think I'd get back into those size 8 pants someday? We sent about ten bags to Goodwill, much to my husband's delight (oh, how that man loves to purge and re-organize).

Pondering:

After viewing videos of my days in DeKalb (prior to our move to IN when Bryce was 10) and reminiscing on my days in Oxford (thanks to a gentle stirring from a memoir), I've been pondering the irretrievable loss of my former self. I used to be intrepid: flew to NY without a job or housing lined up, walked across Harlem alone on a Saturday morning, seized whatever opportunities came my way, including the Wheaton-in-England program where I studied at Oxford). I used to be unflappable, handling unexpected changes with grace and understanding. Aggressive and driven, I had so many goals and dreams and wasn't the slightest bit intimidated by any of them. I handled any shifting path. Now, as John likes to say, I'm fragile. I don't rebound when difficulties arise, or handle stresses or changes in expectations. I'm nervous and easily irritated. I'm fearful and pessimistic.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I worried shortages might limit access to the medication for my clinical depression, so I began taking it every other day, until John insisted I go back to my normal dosage. All of that to say, I'm deeply saddened by my altered personality. Yet, no matter how much I wish to go back to the person I once was, I can see she's gone for good. If I had to pinpoint the alteration, it coincided with the isolation and identity-shift stemming from our move to Indiana and the birth of my last son at age 41. After almost fourteen years of this altered reality, I may never go back to being more adventurous than anxious, more driven than despairing, or more fearless than fragile. If I had known I was crossing the Rubicon, would I have entered the boat? R.I.P., old Wendy. Just know, you are sorely missed!