Book Review: Mattering

Earlier this month, we had the privilege of speaking with a family who met Trevor at the time of his tragic accident on July 3rd. An off-duty officer was visiting at his parent's home when they heard the sound of the crash. The officer and his mother rushed to the scene. Trevor was terribly shaken. Although their interactions were brief, they said Trevor made a great impression on them. The officer said Trevor hugged him and, being a weightlifter himself, he was impressed by Trevor's strength. Trev openly admitted his fault and expressed concern for the other driver. He was genuinely gutted. I'm sure the officer and his mother were both worried about Trevor in the middle of his crisis. They said they continued to think of him for days afterwards, and were then shocked and dismayed to learn of Trevor's death. The mother told me it has changed how she interacts with people, because you never know when an interaction with someone might be your last. Plus, it touched us that they took the time to share these interactions after the fact.

This book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, changed me in a similar way. A graphic on the Amazon page highlights readers who might be drawn to this book. I fit the target audience several times over. It is for "a seasoned parent doing their best" [and feeling like it may not have been good enough], for "anyone who hasn't heard yet how much they matter," for "a retiree wondering what's next," for "an empty nester struggling to find a new purpose," and "a person feeling adrift." Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. After reading the inspiring novel about mattering, Reports of His Death Have Been Greatly Exagerrated, this non-fiction book brings home that fictional illustration. We all long for, dare I say need, deep connection and purpose.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace identifies 5 factors in feeling like you matter. 1) "Recognition - your actions are valued, and your absence would be felt;" 2) "Reliance - you feel needed because others depend on you;" 3) "Importance - you're prioritized;" 4) "Ego Extension - others are invested in your well-being;" and 5) "Attunement - you feel deeply understood and meaningfully responded to." These spokes must be addressed in order to have a sense of purpose in life. Much like Brad Aronson's Humankind, this book gives ample illustrations of ways people invest in mattering. I loved the idea of calling a "Code Lavender" for psychological emergencies that require intervention to meet those needs.

So, how do we increase our sense of mattering? Wallace suggests we use the "mattering lens." Ask yourself what part of mattering is lacking: sense of impact, feeling relied upon, prioritized, attuned to, or invested in? The steps are also two-fold (especially for those facing transitions - my hand is raised). First, seek to let others in (read books, listen to podcasts, find others in the same transition to connect with). Second, shift to finding a way to meet someone else's need in the world (use actions or words to tell someone else they matter). Speak into their lives when you get a chance!

I loved this insight, "The surest way to sustain our own sense of mattering is to focus on making others feel like they matter. The shift from 'I matter' to 'we matter' gives us both the long-term resilience and legacy we crave." So, when tempted to say, "Poor me, I have few deep connections and little purpose," I need to take steps to increase connection (just like my addicted son flailed because of lack of connection, I too flail for the same reasons). I need to find things that will give my life purpose and meaning. In the past, so much of my identity was in my writing. When things make that difficult, my purpose takes a hit.

This is a vitally important book. Our society is riddled with loneliness. As jobs get sucked up by AI, where will people feel like they make a difference or their life matters? We tune out and connect virtually, rather than in-person. I'm as guilty as the next. It is easier to sit on my phone seeking fake connection than to take the steps and risks to form real connection. The world is full of people who need to know they matter, who need others to take the time to focus on them and really listen. I'm grateful for these two individuals who made my son feel he mattered, and shared with us his impact on them.

 

Book Review: Your Story Matters

I've had this book, by Leslie Leyland Fields, highlighted in my Hoopla favorites (a sort of to-be-read notation) for months. I'm so glad I finally picked up Your Story Matters. Only 2-1/2 chapters in, I recommended it to my friend, Beth, who is considering writing a memoir and has asked me to help her. This book will help far more than I can. Indeed, I'd venture to say, she could write her book herself by following the instruction and encouragement provided in Your Story Matters: Finding, Writing, and Living the Truth of Your Life.

Each of us has a story. Every story is meaningful and important. When we share our stories, we impact the lives of others for good. Not only that, we process and live out the truths God is trying to teach us through the paths where He leads. So, this is not only a writing book. It is chock-full of encouragement to give our stories back to the Master and share them with the people around us, with purpose. You may not consider yourself a writer. But Fields insists your story matters, whether it is told in a few pages to a handful of friends or written in a book for the masses.

I loved that she referenced quotes by Fredrick Buechner, from his memoir, Telling Secrets. He writes, "It is precisely through these stories in all the particularity... that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally. If this is true, it means that to lose track of our stories is to be profoundly impoverished not only humanly but also spiritually." 

Fields emphasizes how words flesh out God's redemptive purposes for our pain and trials: "Often, redemption comes simply by bringing language--which is bringing light--to the silence. Every time we lock up a person, an event, even an entire decade in the Closet of Forgetting and Denial, we're robbing ourselves of the strength and wisdom that can come from those experiences. Those events came to us with purpose.... We get to shepherd and steward these burdens, all of them--the beautiful, the brilliant, and the horrid.... We have another chance to reclaim and redeem those moments. And sometimes they are redeemed simply by being faced and called out of the dark. When we can name our ghosts, they haunt us less."

Her questions and prompts at the end of each chapter are invaluable. Her insights come from years of writing and teaching writing. If God is going to use our stories as a witness to His power and purpose, we must be willing to share them. As Fields says, "Our job is to tell the truth, to simply write from who we are, where we've been, and we trust God for the rest." I came away energized to share my story for God's glory!

Book Review: The Elsewhere Express

I'm not much into fantasy books. While I can deal with magical realism, the really out there fantasy novels elude me. The Elsewhere Express is such a beautiful physical book, that I couldn't help but pick it up. Stencils of colorful luggage appear around the edges of the pages. The cover is dreamy and enticing. It is billed as a train that takes you to your life purpose. How intriguing!

Hiraya Sia's parents conceived her to provide organs for their ailing son. This idea is fraught with internal conflicts. Quentin Chen Phillips Jr. is an artist on the cusp of losing his eyesight. This is another conflicting experience. These are the two passengers readers follow onto The Elsewhere Express, an imaginary train built "by the hours people have spent staring out of the window, wishing they were somewhere else. It is in constant motion, fueled by a steady stream of wandering thoughts. Every inch of the train writhes with reveries and vibrates with the constant chatter of conversations people have with themselves." Neither character knows why they have landed on this imaginary train. Raya wants off. Quentin, with restored sight on the train, is desperate to stay on the train.

I will admit, it was a bit too philosophical and woo-woo for me. But, it was a quick and absorbing read. And in the process of watching these two try to find their way and their place on this mythical train, the reader considers lots of scenarios of loss, grief, purpose, life fulfillment, and creativity. I was intrigued to learn that the author is from the Philippines (a place I served in missionary work in the summer of 1987). The writing is good and the premise is promising. Pages fly by. While I wouldn't want to land on the Elsewhere Express myself, it was interesting to visit for a few hours over several days. 

Book Review: The Well-Watered Woman

I appreciate author Jordan Raynor's weekly book recommendations (although, I realize, many he hasn't actually read). When he mentioned Gretchen Saffles' book, The Well-Watered Woman, I noted it on my endless reading wish list. Then, I experienced a God-thing a few months back, repeatedly encountering the story of the woman at the well. Each time, the teaching held a little different angle. By the fifth time, it was clearly something God wanted me to camp on for a time. So, I returned to this title and checked out the audio version. This is an excellent, Bible-rich book.

The Well-Watered Woman encourages readers to seek the well of living water, the word of freedom, and the way of fruitfulness. Every chapter presents a hypothetical thirsty woman. This taps into each of our longings and needs. She outlines the transaction: bring your nothing; receive His everything. She asks, "Are you trusting in Jesus plus something... or are you trusting Jesus alone?" 

The Word is our water - Deposit truth so you can withdraw during times of drought.

The Word is our protection - "We fight from the victory of Jesus, not for victory. Victory has already been claimed at the cross."

The Word is our roots - "Every desert season has a purpose--nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God."

I loved her encouragement to look for gospel intersections everywhere. It brought me back to my verse of the year (2 Cor. 2:14) and my daily pursuit to live out the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. I loved another beautiful section where she spoke of often overlooked wildflowers. Growth may be ongoing, even when it is underground or unnoticed. Some blooms take years to develop and bud. Moroever, she reminds that the well-watered woman lives a counter-cultural life. Does my life look too much like the world? Do I blend in or stand out for God?

For more from this author, seek her ministry, The Well-Watered Woman, which she has based on Isaiah 58:11 ("And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." KJV)

Book Review: When Life Feels Empty - Highly Recommend

I can't remember who recommended Isaac Serrano's book, When Life Feels Empty. Perhaps it was someone in the Rabbit Room Chinwag group on Facebook. They recommend excellent books. I needed the content of this book to remind me where to plug into the source of power and hope. This was another book I listened to in audio form and then accessed in ebook form, so I could take notes.

We live in a world ruled by a materialistic worldview. As such, we are influenced by that mindset. We cannot get away from this lens that assumes the physical is all that exists. Without telos (life purpose and meaning), we feel empty. With excellent structure, Serrano outlines why we feel empty, 7 practices to address this, and why those practices work to shape us into who we were meant to be.

From the book of Ecclesiastes, we explore the idea that "everything is vanity (hevel)." If our gaze is horizontal, we will feel that way. Only when we fix our gaze vertically, do we grasp the telos necessary for enduring this life. We were meant to be trees, growing vertically. Instead, we waste time in emptiness and addictions. Serrano emphasizes that "belief must be embodied." The seven practices he outlines seek to help us do just that.

The first practice stunned me. I realized if I had incorporated this practice into my weekly fasting, I would have left my prayer times impressed instead of distressed. The first of seven beneficial practices is song. Singing releases oxytocin. Even heartbeats sync when singing together. Singing of God's mercy and love roots us in those promises. I intend to pursue this practice far more.

Serrano explains the next two practices. Baptism is storytelling with our body, a physical manifestation of the new life we receive in Christ. Communion roots us in time. We celebrate the past (Christ's body broken), the present (the new covenant through His blood), and the future (His return). Another way he puts it: baptism is the wedding and communion is the wedding ring.

The fourth practice is another one I intend to hone in on more. Serrano demonstrates that God's will is for us to express thanksgiving. He recommends we even face the east (the position of Christ's return) while we do so. I have implemented prayer far more in the past several years, but have I sufficiently incorporated thanksgiving in those prayer times?

The final three practices? Read the Bible (so essential for fixing our gaze vertically instead of horizontally). Attend church (we were meant for community - indeed, isolation destroys health and longevity and even breeds addiction). Pray the Lord's Prayer (there is a reason Christ gave this as an example. Why don't we use it more regularly?). 

The last section is equally instructive as he outlines why we should not be "conformed to the spirit of the age." God is a sculptor, forming us into a masterpiece. Following these ancient spiritual practices lends meaning to our lives and works with God instead of against Him. I highly recommend this deeper consideration of well-known practices that are proven essential. What a great book! I intend to visit this one again in the future.

Jumping Off Into a New Future

Our family is jumping off into a new future. In many ways we are unprepared. While eager to see how the changes play out in our lives, there's an abiding hesitancy that is hard to push down. Change is uncomfortable, unwieldy. To a certain extent, none of us wanted to move into the new, the untried. Yet, I know it will be good for each of us in the end. For now, we feel discombobulated!

Last week, John and I became empty nesters. We loaded the car full to the brim with belongings and moved our youngest, Sean, into a tiny Purdue University dorm room. My Facebook feed, as usual, knew exactly what was going on, and inundated me with images of magazine-worthy dorm rooms, sentimental articles, and lists of what to bring. As if the emotions weren't already tender, I had to wade through the detritus of on-line advice and eloquent parental good-byes (one woman lined a whole hallway with her son's childhood toys saying good-bye).

When we took Bryce to Purdue, he ushered us out of the room as soon as the last item hit the floor. Perhaps it was because we had his 8 and 10-year-old brothers in tow. That transition was painless. Bryce was eager to go. We still had responsibilities at home. Thankfully, Purdue isn't far away (as my sister pointed out, since she was a 20-hour drive away from her college kids). Plus, Bryce had a girlfriend back home, so I drove to Purdue way too often to bring him home for weekend visits.

This time is different. Sean is our last to leave. I have always called him "my sweetness and light." Sure, he was busy with friends, school, activities, and work during his final year at home, but he moved in and out of our lives daily. Now, the house is far too quiet. My role is done. My identity is blurred.

I'd love to think this might jump-start me back into writing consistently. Somehow, I doubt it will. Neither noise nor time keeps me from the writing. I'd love to find a new activity. In a Facebook group, a woman asked for short story suggestions as she had just taken up a post leading a book club in an assisted living facility. Now that sounds perfect!

Perhaps I need to get a job. We will have expenses we were not anticipating and there's the Purdue bill, as well. Somehow, I doubt anyone will hire someone who has been out of the workforce for 18 years. My gig was good, even if it was unpaid, often had lousy hours, and sometimes felt thankless.

Of course, there's a freedom now, too. The first night, John and I window-shopped at a flea market. I've been wanting a vintage sewing box to store my now-minimized sewing supplies. Then, we popped into a bakery, hoping for a strawberry pie. Alas, they only had strawberry-rhubarb (too tart for me). Finally, we ate out for dinner. It was better than going home to the now-quiet-house.

We can make more effort to get away for a weekend. Perhaps we'll take that trip to Mackinac Island. Even if it is just away to our old standbys (Nashville, IN; Rockville, IN for the Covered Bridge Festival; or even closer towns), it will be good to travel and spend time in the couple identity we have reclaimed. I have a few friends I've wanted to visit or invite. The possibilities are endless, really. I should cling to that when loneliness and quiet threaten to overwhelm.

So far, all of this is focused on Sean, John, and me. But, Trevor is at his own crossroads. I try not to divulge much because his story is his own and sometimes isn't as tidy as people like to hear (or I like to tell). We continue to pray fervently for God to use him in a mighty way. At the end of July, we moved Trevor into a halfway house in Lafayette, so our younger two are living in sister cities. 

He has been on a long and challenging road this past year (one we have traveled both from a distance and alongside). Not a single day is assured. He told us once that he has skirted death at least ten different times. We try hard to fight the urge to protect him from his testimony. God has a plan and He is the only One capable of getting Trevor where he needs to go. God's plans are always for our good and His glory.

So, we are each heading off in new directions. We step into the unknown timidly, but with the assurance that God walks with us. An empty nest. A college education. A chance to transition into a life of sobriety, maturity, and purpose. 

My Wheaton College class selected a verse of scripture that I still know and embrace. I may be using it out of context, but I cling to this promise nonetheless:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 - NIV)

Book Review: The Intentional Year

This book, The Intentional Year, by Glenn and Holly Packiam, argues that fruitfulness comes from intentionality. The Packiams take retreats to plan how they want to live in the various spheres of their lives (prayer, rest, renewal, relationships, and work) in the coming days. They take time away to connect and process, to reflect and plan, to inventory what they’ve been given and what they feel called to do, and to shape a vision together. 

This idea appeals to me. However, my husband doesn’t share my enthusiasm. I proposed it and could tell it wasn’t something he desired. Sad. Of course, I can be intentional myself. This is what I do when I plan a project each year.

In the reflection section (unintentional rhyme - ha), they speak of St. Ignatius’ Prayer of Examen. It begins by sitting in silence for 3 minutes, allowing the Holy Spirit to speak. Next, reflect on the past year (mountains, valleys, joys, issues). They recommend finding something to express gratitude for in each month of the previous year. This is like setting up memorial stones for how God has carried you. Another part of the process of reflection is repentance. I’m sure I would benefit from reflecting on what God may have been trying to teach me through the struggles of our past year and in what areas God wishes me to grow.

In a section on praying, they suggest an acronym I had not heard before: PRAY, pause, rejoice, ask, yield. They also recommended the Lectio 365 app, something other friends have suggested to me. In a section on rest, they remind that “if you want the land to be fruitful, you have to let it rest.” In the section on work, they offer an insight that reminded me of a Frederick Buechner quote about finding your purpose. Your mission lies at the intersection of God’s glory, the world’s good, and your joy.

As they challenge readers to live intentionally, they offer these questions to ask the Lord: “Who are you calling me to be? What season am I in?” and “What rhythms do you want for me?” Another question to ask at the end of each day is, “Lord, where did I fail to engage with you today?” Each question aids in creating a big-picture vision for your life. I read this book in December, a prime time for approaching a new year, new season, and new opportunity to carve out space for God’s plans for my life with intentionality.

Book Review: This Must Be the Place

Sara Brunsvold recommended This Must Be the Place by Jami Nato. Sara's words were a siren song to me: "It’s the kind of book that you have to sit with. And it’s the kind of book that will always guide you from dark places back to laughter and hope." She offered a warning about the mild use of profanity, but I was game to see how my own bread crumbs in life lead me back to the purpose for which God has formed me.

Sometimes, things in our lives seem incongruent with God's plan. We think to ourselves, as Jami did, "Surely God couldn't want marital infidelity! Divorce can't be within God's plan." Or my question, "How could God allow a broken leg and the prescription for opioids?" Descent into addiction must be a departure from God's will and plan. Right? It would be wonderful if we could always say with certainty that God's will  is only for good paths and not bad ones. Jami Nato is not saying God causes marital infidelity, divorce, opioid use, addiction, or any other trial we encounter, as His divine will. Only that God allows these negative blips in our life stories to shape and form us into exactly who He wants us to be. If we trace the paths we have crossed, we often come to see a vision and purpose that God is shaping us for within those negative influences.

Jami Nato wants us to see that our past, present, and future can serve as a compass. She suggests a deep look at where God has been, where He is, and where He is going before you. As I reiterated to my prodigal son after listening to this book, "Nothing is an accident! Every positive and negative in your life is leading to God's gifting you in perfect ways for the ministry He desires you to fulfill." I wanted to go back into the e-book version so I could answer the questions provided at the end of each chapter and chart out a deeper understanding of what God might shape me to do. As I've said before, our God wastes nothing! He will take what looks like the worst thing (I'm remembering that minor story in The Wright Brothers) and turn it into the best thing to mold you for His purpose.

Content caution: 📒 - language