Sorry, Today it's a Half-empty Cup

If you're in need of some inspiration or a good warm fuzzy, you'd better just head to another blog today. I'm not going to be able to fill that bill. If I were Cardiogirl, I would start this post with a gray Converse low-top covered with lightning bolts and acknowledge that today's mood is whiny. Alas, I don't have a Converse low-top theme. I won't be offended if you head for the exit now.

One of the things I enjoy most about living in this old country house is the opportunity to see the blue herons that sometimes frequent our creek. I'm feeling terribly frustrated this morning. My mother-in-law has been here for a visit since Wednesday afternoon. This morning, she was out on the back porch washing the windows for us. Harley Dogg followed her out there. I was standing in the living room when I heard the dog launch into an attack of fierce barking. I looked out the window to see what had attracted the dog's attention. A beautiful blue heron spread its colorful wings and flew away. My heart sunk clear to my toes.

Of course, it should have been obvious to me that by welcoming a dog into our home we would be scaring away some of the wildlife. As for me, I'd far rather have the wildlife than the dog. I'm not really a dog person, I guess.

I love the idea of a dog and can imagine myself growing to really love Harley when he sits on my lap and rests his head on my legs. But, then my mental bubble bursts and I remember all the things that come with dogs. Things like ... muddy paws to traipse in tracks on the floors, extra laundry when the dog pees in the crate (because everyone is leaving it to me to get up and let the dog out and I don't get up very early), chewed up toys, tearful boys who have been nipped because they play in a teasing way, an eager dog tongue waiting to lick on our floor and tablecloth during and after our meals, etc.

The boys, on the other hand, are really loving the dog. I agree, in principle, that boys do need a dog. Think of all the wonderful boy and dog pairs from television and literature. But, when it comes to the actual caring for a dog, that may stretch me in ways I wasn't prepared for. Especially, if it means I won't get to see the blue heron. Or if I have to give up my evening hours, so that I can rise early enough to be responsible for letting the dog out to do his business.

I suppose the second thing bumming me out is my internal quandary over Fridays. This is the only day I could secure for both boys to attend the Parent's Day Out program. Thus, from 9-3 on Friday is the only time I have with all three boys gone.

Sadly, Friday morning has become a major struggle. MS thoroughly hates his PDO class on Friday morning. He loves attending his afternoon pre-school program, but the morning class is, in his words, "boring." I have tried to talk with the two teachers in his classroom about this dilemma, but every time we arrive, they are seated at tables with two or three children, working on shape and letter worksheets. I would side with MS, that the classroom doesn't feel welcoming, but I can't really tell him that. He needs to know that sometimes he has to do things he doesn't want to do and whining won't change the requirements (she says, in her whiny post). Still, it makes for emotionally charged Friday mornings.

Then, I struggle with my day because my husband is home from work on Fridays. Today, both he and his mother are eating lunch in the dining room. Why should that be a problem for me? Why do I require such an extensive amount of time to myself? Why can't I seem to write anything (or work on what I choose) when there is someone else around? Even though nobody is hovering or looking over my shoulder, I feel a sense of limitation in fully enjoying the limited hours I have away from my mothering responsibilities. Moreover, why do I find those mothering responsibilities so smothering? I always assumed I would love staying home full-time with my children.

Now, it is clear that my whiny soul could find a reason to whine no matter what, because the final thing that is niggling at me this morning are the mounting comments my husband has been making about my returning to work. We have indeed been spending more money lately. The dog has not helped in that regard. So, now, I am struggling with internal resistance to the idea of going back to the work-world (even if it ends up being a part-time job).

Alas, there are no real answers to this post. I am merely writing out my angst. Wish I knew how to take charge and secure what I need. Wish I could figure out exactly what it is that I really need. Oh well, maybe tomorrow it will seem like the glass is half-full again.