Sensitive Soul

I'm often exhausted by my MS. He is a talker. Indeed, lots of days he talks the whole day long. His verbal skills have always been very strong. He spoke in sentences far earlier than my ES. He hears a word or phrase and it quickly becomes part of his vocabulary. On several occasions, I have discovered particular words or phrases that I tend to overuse unconsciously. Suddenly, he will begin using them constantly and a lightbulb clicks in my head - "goodness, I do use that word a lot!"

Last week, I had to drive him to the ER late in the evening. He complained that his ear hurt. Then, his complaints became whimpers, then sobs, then almost screams. I think they tried to see us quickly, if only to quiet him. It was the first time I had ever heard him say, "I hurt so bad, I'm going to die." I thought it unusual, but then, he is very verbal.

Once he received the pain-killer and antibiotic, he transformed into his ever-loquacious self, telling her that he IS SPIDERMAN and he fights crime. He then informed her of his last visit there, when they had drawn blood by wrapping a rubber band around his arm and cutting off his circulation (he only knows this word because he had become familiar with rubberbands and circulation already at home!). The attending nurse was amazed. She looked at me and said, "And how many do you have?" I replied, "Three ... boys ... but they're not all this talkative!" She said, "He's a kick!"

But I'm learning that he's not just verbally astute, he is also very sensitive and impressionable. Tonight, he was downstairs playing with Daddy and little brother. When I heard crying, I assumed one of them had gotten hurt. However, ten minutes later, I headed downstairs to find him rocking on Daddy's lap and still crying.

My husband explained that they had been talking about his great-grandparents (since we live in my husband's grandmother's house) and he explained that it isn't their house anymore because they died. He went on to explain that some day Grandma and Grandpa will get old and die, too. I think he explained this because my FIL has been ill for some time (and at Christmas was even temporarily in a nursing home for care after another surgery).

Apparently, my MS asked "Are you and Mommy going to die?" My husband told him that everyone eventually dies. At that point, he lost it. He began to worry that we are going to die. We both tried to tell him that we intend to stay here and take care of him as long as we can and that we take care of ourselves because we want to be with him for a long time. His tears did finally subside. Although, he mentioned it one more time before he went to sleep this evening.

I suppose, without really realizing it, I am the one who introduced this topic to him. In mid-September of 2007, I found Boothe Farley's blog at www.conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com and began to pray for their daughter, Copeland, who was born with Trisomy-18. A few times my MS was nearby, and we began to pray together for Copeland. Every night, he would include her in his prayers.

Copeland went to be with the Lord on September 26, 2007 and I cried. My MS saw my tears and we prayed that night for her family and that God would take care of her in heaven. Without any prompting from me, he continued to mention Copeland in his prayers for a few more weeks.

I can't really remember if he was around when I learned of another tragic death, when Julian Avery (whose caring page is called "Julian's World") passed away about a month ago. However, I'm starting to think that he is more aware of my emotional responses to these deaths than I have realized. I'm beginning to wonder how you handle a sensitive soul.

I have always been sensitive. My mother used to tell me that I "wear my emotions on my sleeve." Even when I was younger, I realized that I felt things deeply, perhaps more deeply than others. I know that I have a very difficult time letting go of friendships. To this day, I agonize over several friendships that have soured or simply disappeared without explanation. So, I am coming to see that my MS and I share a similar emotional make-up. I have to say that scares me, somewhat. My emotional excesses have been hard to deal with.

I want to nurture his sensitive nature. I love the fact that he might grow up to be a very sensitive and caring man. Surely, there are not enough of those in this world. Yet, I don't want to burden him with things like "death" if he is not old enough to emotionally handle this.

I will pray for extra wisdom in raising him. I will watch my words and actions more closely. I don't want to say that I will shield him from knowledge of things that are difficult, but I do want to be more intentional about what I allow him to over-hear or take in. I have already witnessed the depth of his compassion and love and know that he is going to be, like me, (whether I like it or not) someone who feels things deeply.