Book Review: The Road Back to You

I come late to many parties. I resist joining the crowd in following a particular movement. This was true for Downton Abbey. I heard the buzz and even considered, given it was British and Masterpiece Theater, that I would probably enjoy it, yet I resisted mightily. Once I gave in, I was hooked. I binge watched the whole six-season show not once, but twice. I immersed myself in Downton Abbey books and anxiously awaited the release of the movie.

The same is true about Enneagram theories. Loads of people were talking about Enneagrams, referencing it in cute little add-ons to their Facebook posts, proclaiming where they fall on the Enneagram scale. Oh, how I resisted. Until ... a new friend mentioned a Christian book outlining the nine personality types on the Enneagram scale and recommended it to help improve some of my fractured relationships. She suggested it couldn't hurt to see where the other individual is coming from, what makes them behave the way they do, and how I might respond in a way that brings out their best instead of their worst. If nothing else, I could identify my own perspectives with more clarity and understand what makes me tick.

The Road Back to You, by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile, outlines nine personality types. It identifies what each one looks like when healthy, average, and unhealthy. Moreover, the book identifies the fear that drives each type. I really enjoyed the close of each chapter, where the authors presented ten strategies for individuals who identify with that personality type.

I loved the author's funny illustrations and analogies. For example, when describing his mother: "is so spry and mentally acute you'd think nicotine and inactivity were the keys to a long and happy life." When outlining his own mistakes, he wrote "I made more missteps than a guy running through a minefield wearing clown shoes." His descriptions are colorful and clear. The book is well-structured and accessible. Surely, you will see yourself in one or two of the personality types.

Oh, how I recognized myself in the list of "What it feels like to be a #9, Peacemaker." I will, indeed, do almost anything to avoid conflict. I procrastinate, have trouble being decisive, and numb myself to life's pain by avoidance. I choose the path of least resistance and avoid ruffling feathers, downplaying my true feelings about things. "I'm a 'what you see is what you get' person." Although, I don't find the outdoors soothing and I rarely worry about being selfish while doing what I want to do. Still, several sentences hit me square between the eyes: "harbor resentments going back to childhood," "drop their healthy boundaries," and "will cling to relationships long past their expiration dates."

The application section for Nines was quite helpful, beginning with the suggestion to journal "What is my calling? and Am I pursuing it or postponing it to keep the peace?" I might benefit from an app to keep me on task and productive. I need to recognize the numbing strategies used to avoid having to deal with life and resist passive-aggressive behaviors like procrastination and avoidance. When angry, I need to be honest and open (oh, that's a hard one for me). A normal disagreement might feel/seem like intense, terrible conflict. When paralyzed, I need to find someone who can help me tease out what I want to do.

Then, I reached the chapter about Ones, Perfectionists, and it was my husband personified. He is, indeed, critical and judgmental, beats himself up for mistakes, cannot relax because so much needs doing, relishes detail, clings to resentment, is very self-disciplined, careful and thoughtful with money, sees things as either right or wrong, rigidly follows routine, resents when he has to redo someone else's work (i.e. re-clean a room someone else hasn't tidied to his standards). Thankfully, our years of counseling had already opened my eyes to the way he sees and experiences the world. Indeed, they opened his eyes, as well, and he is much better at attacking his perfectionism than he ever was before (however, there are still areas where he demands so much and sees things in such black and white ways that I struggle).

The great thing about studying the Enneagram patterns of personality is that it gives you a chance to see how your own perspectives and life history could cause you to have a distorted view of reality. Others see things differently and experience situations from their own life lens. I believe I greatly benefited from understanding what drives the various individuals who approach life from a different perspective and frame of mind than my own. Hopefully, I will use that understanding to build bridges. Indeed, I hope I will work on some of my own distorted views and strive to be my best self.

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Addendum: Heresy can be so subtle. I was swept in. This podcast opened my eyes to the New Age aspects of "Christian" Enneagram theories. This is a must watch video: