What Would You Do?

So many times in parenting, an unexpected situation arises where I don't really know quite how I wish to respond. I'm sure there are quite a few possible responses and probably more than one of the possible responses would even be considered a good response. None of us parent exactly like another person, but it is interesting to consider how someone else might have responded.

On Saturday night, my ES was invited to a birthday party at a roller skating rink a few towns over. I always appreciate when we can car pool in these situations, and don't really mind the late night pick-ups, since I am usually up until midnight or 1 a.m. So, I headed over to pick up my son and his two friends.

As they entered the car, they were boisterous and jovial. They began to regale me with tales of their big wins in the arcade and some pestering of the authorities for the "insane" ruling against hats out on the rink. I had chuckled when I noticed a piece of paper lying on the table near their gear. It said "Hats are podiness" or something like that. They translated. The writer had been trying to spell poisonous. (I promise there was no alcohol involved at this middle school party!)

One of the boys began to call home on his cell phone. He tried several times and when no one picked up he began to get really crazy with his messages. He would say things like "I know you can hear me. Pick up. I'm just going to sing the Canadian national anthem until you pick up." I was surprised he actually knew the words (this song, by the way, used to be in our church hymnal at the back and it always made us kids laugh when my older brothers would request it during the hymn request time on Sunday nights).

In an aha! moment, he realized that he should call his sister's cell because she is always up. She did indeed answer and he begged her to go get the mother so he could ask if the other friend could spend the night (we haven't been allowing ES many overnights because of his illness). As he waited for the mother to come to the phone, he was explaining to the other boys that if he asks his mother to have someone spend the night during the day she always says "no," but by 11 p.m., she usually is so tired she just says yes.

Apparently, she did the uncharacteristic. She stuck to her guns. Her answer was no and you could hear the tone of the conversation begin to turn ugly. What surprised me was how ugly it turned. The boy didn't curse his mother or anything, but I would say that his response was disrespectful (especially given the fact that the rest of us were hostage listeners to this conversation). He felt that she was being unfair, since his sister had just had a sleepover. I guess what really got to me was that this boy accused his parents of denying his request because they wanted to safeguard their daughters. After angrily hanging up on his mother, the boys began to discuss the mother and "injustice."

Of course, I was reeling over a completely different injustice. Now, I understand that pre-adolescent minds are highly egocentric. I understand that boys will vent when they are frustrated. What I found myself confused about was what my response should be.

I really wanted to say something, but didn't feel comfortable. In the end, the minute I was alone in the van with my ES, I said, "If you ever speak to me on the phone in the manner that ***** just did, you will regret it for a good long time. I would have never expected such disrespect to come from *******. She is his mother and whether he agrees with her decision or not, he should treat her with respect."

When I mentioned the uncomfortable incident to my husband, he said I should have asked for the conversation to stop. As soon as I heard him give his take, my mind went off on a Becky Bloomwood tangent and I imagined myself bringing the car to a stop and asking the child to stand outside of the car if he wished to continue his conversation. Even now, when I think about it, I don't know what I should have done.

So, I ask - what would you do in a similar situation? Have you been in a similar situation?

And, since I'm begging for feedback, I'll add another scenario. ES has missed most of this week of school. He missed last Friday because of the colonoscopy. He missed Monday because he awoke with a headache and intense nausea (we wondered if, in his weakened state, he had picked up the flu Saturday night). On Tuesday, he awoke with a severe headache, but I took him to school at 11 when it cleared up. On Wednesday morning, he threw up.

I was really anxious for him to go back to school today, because I'm sick of having him home pestering the little boys and today is my one free day he is missing too much school and especially because he would miss a field trip today. It wasn't just any field trip. It was a field trip to see Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol in Indianapolis, followed by lunch at Acupulco Joe's restaurant. It was a field trip I already paid $15 for him to attend.

I argued with him for quite a while this morning, while trying to get the little boys dressed and off to school (I didn't even manage to give them breakfast). I tried to remind him that he would probably feel better and even if he didn't, couldn't he bear the pain in order to take advantage of this cool opportunity. (O.K., once again, I did a bit of Becky Bloomwood rambling - imagining myself driving to the theater after dropping off my little boys at preschool, to see if I could use my son's ticket and see the play with his class - oooh, maybe I should have threatened this! The humiliation of that could certainly get a 7th grader up and moving.)

Thing is, his father and I had already discussed this possibility (since he's been sick like this and the infection seems to be getting worse). We understand his anxiety and concern that he might get on the bus and then feel sick and have no escape. We understand that he feels really horrible in the morning (this is characteristic of H. Pylori infections).

Would you have forced him to go anyway? We had agreed not to force him. I didn't take our parental decision very well, though. I grumbled quite a bit today (bad mommy) over his missing the play, over his rousing in the afternoons, over his accumulating absences. ES spent most of the day apologizing. Of course, then I had to tell him the apology was unnecessary, since he couldn't help being sick and I know he did want to go (maybe not as much as I wanted to go, but he did want to go with his friends on a field trip).