It is hard to believe it was a whole year ago that I left off with my life-coaching for a spell. When I left it, I still had three paid sessions available to me and I told my life-coach that I would get back to him when I needed them. Then, things conspired to cause me to feel the need of them several weeks back.
Having just finished the novel I began at the beginning of November (the Letters from Anne novel, about a girl trying to make her way to forgiveness for her father after he has done something that impacted her life deeply), I am still deep in thoughts of forgiveness and grace. In the novel, at one point, I explore the idea of the importance of extending grace to oneself. I am so in need of this personally.
In my last session, my life-coach challenged my view of God and my view of my responsibilities to Him. He said that my view of God has been tarnished by Christianity which places all kinds of caveats on the love of God. He emphasized that God's love for us is unconditional. God loves the homosexual while he/she is involved in the act of homosexuality. God loves the alcoholic on a binge. God loves the thief while they are stealing. Or I should say, God loves before, during and after. God's love is not conditional on how we behave.
I get that, when I think about my children. I tell them all the time that they might do something that makes me sad, or even a little bit angry, but that my love for them remains intact. But, it is harder to feel that when I feel like I am somehow not deserving of God's love ... that somehow my inability to jump through the right hoops keeps me from His overwhelming love. Guilt holds a great grip on me.
Plus, I struggle with maintaining balance on this issue. I believe there is such a thing as right and wrong. I believe that acting in the right brings peace and the best things for us. But, I believe we will not always choose the right. I know I don't always choose the right. Choosing to do wrong brings consequences. Consequences are equally an extension of God's love, no? God's love dictates consequences for choosing the wrong.
If I love my child, I will bring consequences to bear when they make a choice that is harmful for them. So how does one balance the consequences and the feeling of God's love? My life lacks a certain feeling of freedom and that seems to stem from bondage to expectations and a fear of getting it wrong. If I could let go of those expectations and the fear of getting things wrong, I could experience a whole different level of freedom. But, I'm hung up on the letting go of those expectations. I live by those expectations.
At this point, I have no answers. These are all just ideas swirling around in my head. I keep chewing over God's unconditional love and trying to reconcile it with His desire for me to act according to His will. It feels like a tightrope and it feels wrong to fall off on one side or the other. If I fall on the side of God's endless love, then what about the law and making the best choice (especially when choices deeply impact others)? If I fall on the side of the law, then what about a loving God who is there waiting to extend His arms around me, even when I don't deserve it? Obviously, if I'm going to fall off the tightrope, the preferred side to fall on is the one of unconditional love. But, I cannot get myself to want to fall. My toes are clinging to the rope and I'm just trying to get to the other side with my body and soul intact (and to hurt myself and others as little as possible).
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