The Blogging See-Saw

When I first discovered blogging, it was through a friend who blogged about her experience in a missionary situation. I thoroughly enjoying reading about what was going on in her life and her ministry. I could fully understand the purpose of a blog for her. And, although I longed to write a blog myself, I figured people really wouldn't be interested in my daily life.

However, in the throes of mothering very small children, I discovered more blogs. Suddenly, I realized that there were loads of other women who were in the very same situation as myself and they wrote interesting blog posts about their daily life. If I considered their blogs interesting, wouldn't it be possible to write my own blog and fill it with interesting posts?

Thus, I narrowed the topics I wished to cover, came up with a suitable title and began blogging. In the beginning, it was my salvation. It literally kept me sane by filling my evenings with purpose and expression when my days were filled with mundane child-rearing and housekeeping.

As time went on, I began to notice certain trends. People tend to blog with great vigor in the beginning. However, with time the frequency tapers off, sometimes disappearing altogether. I also noticed bloggers complaining about blogging. They would say, "blogging has become a chore."

Now, I find myself riding the blogging see-saw. I, too, often find myself quite weary in the evening and feel torn between the obligation to blog and the desire to remain silent. Often my silences are driven by my moods. I struggle with clinical depression and it impacts every aspect of my life (my relationship with my husband and children, my ability to function in the roles laid out for me, my enthusiasm - or lack - for personal goals, and my desire to openly express things about my life).

Frankly, I feel that if I were to freely express the thoughts and feelings that swirl around inside, it would be far too weighty (and scary) for most people to deal with. It would send my parents (who actually do read this blog) into intense concern mode. Moreover, it would only serve to depress the few readers I actually have.

When I think about what was initially so appealing about blogs, it was the fact that I felt a sense of camaraderie with other people. Reading blogs made my struggles seem ordinary and if someone else could endure, then so could I. I turned to virtual friendships because my life hasn't offered up this opportunity much lately.

This is something that continually perplexes me - how an outgoing, friendly individual can live for 3 and a half years in a location and not make a single meaningful friendship. I am tempted to blame the location more than the individual. I have offered to volunteer my time both at the local grade school and at a nearby nursing home. I cannot imagine schools and nursing homes not welcoming volunteer help when offered and yet neither even bothered to respond to my e-mails or calls????

Recently, I discovered that a friend, Tom McComb, from my Salvation Army days, has begun a blog. His blog is truly outstanding. He provides daily inspirational sound bites. Every post offers a brief scenario to consider and an inspirational take-away that leaves me wanting to be a better person.

He also leaves me wanting to be a better blogger. I often look at my posts and remind myself that the key question for a writer is "So What?" It is easy for me to lapse into merely providing diary-like updates (we did this today... the kids said this ... etc.). Part of me doesn't want to relinquish the right to fall back into those type of posts because it provides me with a chance to document the daily ins and outs of our lives.

For example, today I wasted plenty of time viewing multiple You Tube videos of plantar wart removal surgery. Yesterday, the big deal in my life was a trip to the dermatologist to have not one, but two, hideous warts cut out of my left foot. Given my fear of shots and my wimpy disposition when it comes to medical interventions, this was a fairly traumatic experience. However, in the end, I decided, even if it shattered my world (and led to a hobbling gait which I will probably cling to for a month or two) it was not something any reader would care to participate in with me.

Indeed, part of me really wants my blog to serve a bigger purpose than merely recording our actions. I want to find ways to improve my blog and attract more readers (I can't think of anyone who writes without a desire for someone else to read their words). I want the time I spend writing to have a greater purpose than merely providing me with an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.

Hence, I feel torn between a desire to pour out my angst, to explain how depression makes a person feel like they are swimming through molasses, and a desire to turn my blog up a notch by striving to provide a positive takeaway. Then, I remind myself that it could just be possible that a positive take-away isn't ... well, possible ... for me, anyway. The place that I am at (a place that God is fully aware of) doesn't really lend itself to the style of writing I am longing for.

So, for now, I will hang on tight, during this blogging see-saw ride. Hopefully, some of my posts will be light and entertaining. But, I am equally hopeful that my readers will bear with me when I am low and raw. Because, frankly, sometimes all of us feel low and raw. For now, I'm here to sit patiently with those who, like me, are low and raw. Who knows, maybe you'll even feel a sense of camaraderie in that and realize that if someone else struggles with the low and raw, too, then chances are pretty great that you'll survive to touch the sky again one day.