O.K. I surrender. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm wavin' my white flag. I admit it, I've been defeated. The opposition is too strong and I'm no match for the assault. I surrender. Sadly, at 44 years old, I'm just no match for the whirling dervishes God sent me in my 3 and 5 year old sons.
For months now, my husband has been plying me with the argument that I am just not cut out for the role of stay-at-home mother. He has been encouraging me to seek employment. He claims that I am at my happiest when I am actively engaged in a fulfilling job, like I had back at Littlejohn Elementary.
Of course, the most recent happy point in my life WAS indeed during that time - just after I had my second child (something that had seemed like an impossibility for years before that), and was back to working full-time at the school. My husband was working part-time and when he couldn't be with the baby, we had a wonderful, loving babysitter who adored MS and lived just a two minute walk from the school (often bringing the baby to school).
Still, I found myself resenting his implication that I couldn't handle this mothering role. It has always been of the utmost importance to me to be the primary care-giver during my kids' first five years of life. I argued back, in my mind, "yes, but I'm struggling with depression right now ... yes, but I'm far more patient with them than you are" ... "yes, but I'm not really unfit for this job."
Today, I'm waving my flag. Unfit sums it up pretty well. I just don't have the energy to keep up with these boys. In one minute's time, they wreak five to ten minutes of cleaning (already a stressful subject since my husband's standards are much higher than mine and he lets us know ten times a day how patient he is trying to be with our chaos and mess). Plus, I hate to clean endless, repetitive messes. They test me above and beyond what I can handle. I admit it.
This is a real sore point for me. It seems as if everyone is standing by, at the ready, with their words of wisdom. I have had friends make endless suggestions which always sound like barely veiled rebukes, "if you don't get ahold of your children before the age of five, they will be ruined," ... "you should have a schedule where you require them to sit quietly in their rooms while you take care of the things in the house," ... "they watch too much television," ... "if you spanked them more often," ... "you allow them to jump on the furniture?" ... etc, ad nauseum.
It is always amazing to me how many experts there can be on my children. But then, I remind myself of the years when I, sans children of my own, viewed other parents with a critical eye and, occasionally, a critical mouth. I remember thinking things like, "I will never let my children . . .," only to turn around and violate those standards once the children behaving questionably were my own.
But this week, I am willing to admit that I am not an expert at raising these boys. They are way more than I can handle. They never stop talking ... not even in their sleep. I cannot read them a bedtime story because they continually move and interrupt. Their capacity for mischief far exceeds my knowledge and ability for reining them in. If they live to be happy, productive citizens, it will be a miracle of God and nothing to do with my staying home to pour myself out for them.
Pour myself out? Sorry, Lord, but I'm running on empty. Please pour Yourself out for them and protect them from themselves and from ME! As my sister-in-law comically stated at Christmas, "We're not saving for their college; we're saving for their therapy."
3 comments:
Oy Wendy, I'm sorry to hear things are so stressful. I think people just want to hear the best and when they don't they feel the need to tell you how to get there.
Grr. I say, unless you're going to sit inside my house and implement those changes, stifle it.
Sending healing vibes.
Your boys are three and five?
I'm a stay at home mom, and by those ages my kids were going to preschool so that they could get used to being in a larger group of kids, have to listen to a teacher, etc.
Your boys are going to be FINE.
I've known several SAHMs whose kids would have been better off if mom just worked & provided for their care... rather than ignoring them all day while she was online or tried some home-selling business.
It's not waving a white flag, or failing. It's choosing what's best for your family, today. What was best yesterday isn't the same as today. The best gift you can give your kids?
A happy mom.
A happy mother is patient-er, and kinder, and loving-er. She has a better marriage and sets a better example as a wife. A happy mom sets them up to choose a happy wife for themselves someday.
And I hope you'll use some of that income to hire a maid. Make sure you don't continue to bear the burden of all the housework alone. I do it all because I don't work outside the home... but if I was working, hubby would have to pull his own weight. He wouldn't like it, LOL, and he knows it.
If people say "why?" just say, "it was time!" and smile. If they press, counter with a really personal question that they don't want to answer. Like, "so how often do you get yeast infections? Oh, sorry, is that too personal? It seemed like you were into this whole 'prying' thing." Okay, maybe that's too much. X-D My aunt used to say, "If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."
Best of luck with the job search...
CG and Wendy - Thanks so much for the encouragement and healing vibes. It has been quite a week and I'm sure the foot surgery increased our normal chaotic atmosphere. I'm hoping to do a more light-hearted post today on what has been going on. I even decided to be totally transparent, even if DCFS should be called.
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