The moment I noticed this book on the recent acquisitions shelf at our library, I knew I wanted to read it. Deborah Tannen's, You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives, deals with a relationship I have recently been struggling with. Although, both my sister and I have always longed for a closer relationship, most of the time ours has been fraught with conflict.
Tannen is a professor of linguistics, so the primary focus of her research had to do with how sisters communicate with each other. As the flyleaf proclaimed, "It takes just a word from your sister to start you laughing ... But it also takes just a word to send you into an emotional tailspin." I could relate to that sentence, but more for the last half than the first, sadly. My own sister's words, past and present, have sent me into plenty of emotional tailspins.
However, my sister has also shared words and actions that ministered to my soul at times. When I suffered a miscarriage, it was her kind act of sending a care package filled with a giant stuffed monkey (an animal I have collected since I was 7) and three mind-distracting videos, that spoke more volumes to me than any other individual's attempt to comfort. When I shared a clip from a powerful movie ("The Most") that my friend, Dace, had mentioned, my sister purchased the DVD of the movie for me that Christmas ... just because. That is how she is. She will give a gift from her heart without any thought to the cost or inconvenience. In that sense, I have been greatly blessed.
The book was chock full of insights and anecdotes about how sisters relate to one another. It was always interesting reading. While the book did enhance my understanding of the sister relationship, I wasn't really satisfied with the promised "practical advice and effective techniques that will help you open up communication with your sister." This was my greatest need from the book, but most of what I gleaned as suggested advice was "change the way others behave or talk by changing the way you behave or talk to them" and seek to understand the other so you can "find ways of enhancing the support and managing the rivalry."
This seemed to fall flat for me because, obviously, we both have years of a conditioned relating style behind us. Every time I encounter my sister, I declare that I will not allow things to head down the same path, yet every time I find myself traversing familiar territory and regretting that I didn't "behave differently" this time around.
I did glean some insights that I feel I can share. I am the older sister. I am three years older and much more closely spaced to my two older brothers. Thus, for most of our growing up years, I was more allied with my older brothers. I know my sister felt left out.
I think one way to try to understand my sister more would be to recognize her desire to be included and to ensure that she doesn't feel left out. Sadly, this is where I have recently failed. Dreading a repeat of the conflict which surfaced the last time we were together, I suggested that her family stay at a hotel instead of in my home when my family came for the holidays. Granted, I did not have room to put up everyone and someone had to stay elsewhere, but I can see where this deeply wounded her and made her feel like the odd (wo)man out. I wish I had been able to find some way to make her feel valued and included.
As I read this book, it became clear that I don't really behave as the older sister nor am I treated as an older sister. To be honest, I have never felt comfortable with that role. Earlier on, this was what caused the most friction. I felt like my sister was looking for me to somehow show her the ropes on what it meant to be a woman and I was hanging with my brothers, wearing corduroys because they wore corduroys. I didn't have a clue to provide for her. As I said, I am closely aligned with my brothers and don't naturally lean towards feminine things. My sister went elsewhere for her instruction and quite literally, radiated, her femininity!
This is about the time when my own femininity began to be poked and jabbed repeatedly. Tannen clearly identifies that very often our body image is gleaned not from our parents or the opposite sex, but from our sisters. My own body image was deeply scarred by comments offered up by my highly attractive sister. I would love to learn how to react differently to derisive comments that are made about my physical endowments or my poor fashion sense.
Moreover, if I could change the way I talk with my sister it would be to bite my tongue before sharing any struggles that I am encountering. Tannen declared this as something younger sisters do in an effort to seek connection with their older sisters. Then, the older sisters provide advice. I think I begin to share, hoping it will bring us closer, but it ends up distancing us. Instead of feeling heard or supported, I feel lectured or counseled (she is a pastor).
The book also drove home the fact that the intensity of the conflict (how deeply I feel wounded by jabs expressed) really illustrates the intensity of desire for approval and connectedness. When feelings run strong, it generally indicates that you care deeply for and about that individual. It is clear that I feel anything but indifferent towards my sister. Indeed, I long for genuine connection and support.
I guess the best encouragement I gleaned from this book is the fact that I am certainly not alone. Scores and scores of sisters have been wounded in this relationship. Some have even severed ties. I wish Tannen had been able to provide more insights for fixing and healing damaged relationships. However, when I searched the Internet for an image of this book, I did stumble upon some other suggested sibling literature on Amazon. I think I may try a book called Sibling Revelry: 8 Steps to Successful Adult Sibling Relationships.
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PS - I couldn't resist stealing some photos from my sister's facebook to show you how beautiful she is! First, one of us as kids:
Here she is with her husband - cute couple, huh?
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