I Want a Kinder, Gentler World

ES is home and I am eager to share about his week, but tonight, I will write about criticism instead. In my effort to miraculously trim my middle in the space of the one week I have left before our CBLI camp, I took the little boys to the park for a walk. We have a beautiful park with a mile-long walking trail set back in the woods next to a creek. It is fairly hilly and provides a good workout with the benefit of shade from the trees and interesting scenery for the boys. Last week, my husband went with us for one of our walks and I discovered the single stroller in the back, instead of our usual double stroller. It wasn't a big loss, since hubby was with me and we intended to take a more leisurely stroll.

I knew at the time that it was setting me up for some whining later in the week. With daddy along, the boys picked out a few stones to throw in the creek prior to the beginning of our walk. Plus, daddy allowed them to stop numerous times to check things out. When I walk with them, it is my exercise! I can't be waiting for them to move up to speed. I can't be stopping for every bug and beetle they spy on the ground. We do stop for dogs (if the owner looks agreeable to such a brief visit), but otherwise, I keep the whole production moving right along. If the boys are good, then I finish up with a trip to the playground part of the park.

So, we have our routine and we usually stick to it. This morning, I sensed something was up, when it took forever to make the turn into the park. It was mobbed with cars parked everywhere. There was an arts and crafts fair going on. Since we walk on the trail, I made my way down to that part of the park and secured a spot close to the bridge we usually cross at.

Looking back, I realize that traffic was much heavier and thus, I should have gotten out the double stroller and whisked the kids right into their seats and locked them down. My MS is eager for his independence and he immediately begs to be released from the seat so he can look for rocks. I let him out, opened up the double stroller and let YS out. YS followed MS's lead and began looking for rocks (not hard, since the parking spaces are all rocks). MS shot out over to the bridge. I was trying to keep an eye on MS while letting YS grab a few rocks from the ground. YS was directly behind me and MS shifted over to the side of the bridge (a bit unsafe!). I took a few steps towards MS, telling him to get back to the main part of the bridge. When I turned around, YS was at the edge of the back of our van and a car was standing still in the roadway. I hustled back and scooped him up and the driver flashed me a look of utter incredulity.

As I began my walk, I was mentally stewing about what the driver was thinking about me. Why do I do that? Why do I get all worked up over someone else's momentary impression of me? I was shocked that YS had scurried off to that point so quickly. Obviously, I should have kept both of them within an arm's length of me. I put them in their seats and began my walk with a bit of indignation to fuel my exercise.

I was even still fuming and fretting about it by the end of my half hour walk. Ridiculous, I know. Plus, I was second-guessing my every move. I often allow my MS to sit in the very back of the van while I drive from the walking trail part of the park to the playground part. It is a brief drive (up a hill - otherwise, we would just walk to the playground and walk back to our van) of about 45 - 60 seconds. He sat in the back this morning, and I was worrying that someone would see him sitting in the back and call to report me or something.

As I obsessed over these thoughts, I passed the part of the creek where a family was wading in the water. MS again mentioned how much he wished I would let him walk around in the creek. This brought me up short. I am often thinking critical thoughts about other moms who allow their children to swim and wade in this dirty creek water. I suppose, I need to be kinder and gentler myself if I want a kinder, gentler world.

This was only reiterated again this evening when I logged on to write my blog. I visited Rachel Balducci's blog again and followed her link to a new site where she is now writing reviews (a Catholic family magazine) in a column called "Rachel Raves." I read one of her reviews, which was for double-seater shopping carts.

We all know that pictures benefit our blogs, so Rachel had taken a photo of her two youngest sons in the cart. When I entered the comments section, I was appalled to find a critical comment from a woman who felt it necessary to point out that children should be required to walk in stores. Rachel did respond in the comment section to say that she made her second youngest son sit in it for a moment just to snap the picture.

So, not only do I want a kinder, gentler world when I am out in public with my children (who are not always angels and who are not always completely under the control that I SHOULD exercise over them), but I also want a kinder, gentler blogosphere. Somehow the anonymity of writing comments on a stranger's blog or web-site, brings out the critical beast in some. Rachel's rave about double-seater carts was well received by mothers rearing multiple small children.

And, this reminds me again of how I have been guilty of wielding a critical eye. Back when my ES was an only child, I began working as an individual assistant at his elementary school. I assisted an overweight boy with autism. He was very difficult to manage. I can remember times when he would throw his body to the floor and simply refuse to get up. There I stood, trying to rouse a 105 pound kindergartner.

One day, I was out shopping and heard his familiar wails. I peeked around the corner to spy my student in the back of a shopping cart, his younger (also autistic) brother in the seat, and his mother pushing them both. My jaw dropped to the ground. I thought my share of critical thoughts. My first thought was, of course, "how in the world did she get that large boy into the back of that cart?" Then, I thought, "She should really make him walk!"

Now, the difficulties this mother deals with on a daily basis are light-years beyond the trials I have with my two little boys. I really don't know how she manages. But, the response to Rachel's review made me think of this incident and cringe. I use the double-seated stroller as a disciplinary tool now. I threaten to put MS in the cart if he can't seem to walk through the store without climbing things (in his constant effort to prove he is Spiderman) or throwing unwanted items into the cart (something Dawn is familiar with).

So, I guess the kinder, gentler world is going to have to start with me. I vow to try to be a more understanding by-stander when viewing other mothers. I will remind myself that I haven't walked a mile in their shoes. I will step back, take a deep breathe and say a prayer for them, instead of thinking critical thoughts. I'll especially say a prayer for those mothers I've overheard cursing their children. I'm still liable to think the critical thoughts on that one, but I'll definitely still say a prayer for them. And for their children, too!