God Has it Under Control

Tonight, as I tucked my MS into bed, he asked me about his cousin, Amelia. He said, "Does she still have the cancer in her body?" I told him that the cancer is gone now. Next, he asked how the cancer got into her body. I didn't really know what to tell him. I reminded him that sometimes we breathe in germs and they make our bodies sick (although, he wouldn't be able to understand that Amelia didn't breathe in cancer and she didn't get it because she forgot to wash her hands before eating). Then, I told him that Amelia has a little friend, Mariah, who is still fighting to get the cancer out of her body. I explained that she is so weak right now that when Amelia visited her last week, Mariah could only raise her thumb as a way of saying "yes." We said a special prayer for both Amelia and Mariah and then I left the room.

I was deeply saddened when I logged on tonight and discovered that Mariah lost her fight against cancer. Of course, my little guy was up again before I knew it and wanting to be rocked. As I held him close and rocked him, I sat thinking about Mariah and Amelia ... about their friendship. I thought about my sister-in-law, Mary, and how many times she went on to Mariah's website to speak words of encouragement to their family.

In one of Mary's recent posts, she had expressed her frustrations because both Mariah's mother and father would be able to be by Mariah's side 24/7. Many of us assumed that she meant that Mariah's father lost his job. I don't really know all of the details (although Mariah's family expressed that he didn't entirely lose his job), but I know that my father wrote to encourage them that the Lord had a purpose, even in the change in the job situation.

This made me think about how I experienced this very lesson in my own life. When my ES was in kindergarten, I taught an evening GED class two nights a week. I enjoyed this job and really wanted to keep it. However, I also wanted to have another child and knew that in order to do so, we would need the insurance that a full-time job would provide. Thus, I signed on as an individual assistant at my son's elementary school. I worked that full-time job and still kept my GED position (hoping that after another child came along, I could leave the full-time position and maintain the part-time one).

My second son was due in 2004 at the end of September. At the end of my summer GED session, I headed off to CBLI with my ES, embracing the rest and relaxation it would provide before a stressful fall. I had not really asked for much time off. I think the doctor advised me to inform my employer that I would require at least three weeks to recuperate from the cesarean section surgery.

When I returned from CBLI, I received a message to call the GED office. Over the phone, I was informed that another teacher had requested my class (it was close to where she lives and she was hoping to increase her hours). I was told that they felt that my absence from the class would be detrimental to the continuity of the class and therefore, they were giving my class to this other teacher (side note: this was a drop-in class with very little continuity amongst the students and several nights I sat alone, reading, wondering if any of my students would show up).

I remember feeling so helpless. There was nothing I could do to dissuade them. The decision had already been made. The other teacher had already been told she would have my class. It was entirely out of my hands and I felt so disappointed. This was the job I wanted to keep. I wanted to stay home with my baby and merely leave him two nights a week. But suddenly, that was no longer an option.

Now, as I sat rocking MS and looking in on YS as he slept in his crib, I realized what a blessing that detour was. I was planning on travelling the map I had laid out. God sent me on a detour. If He hadn't, I don't know if we would have had my youngest son. I didn't welcome the loss of that job. I mourned its loss. But, now I am grateful for the chance to entirely focus on my MS's birth. I had three short months at home with him and returned to the full time job for the spring semester.

Although, it was hard to leave my MS to go back to full-time work, my husband was able to care for him most of the time. When we were both at work, my MS had a fabulous care-giver, Lisa, who lived half a block away from the elementary school. Since her own children attended the school, she often showed up at school with my MS in tow. It was such a treat to get to see him.

Now, I am not working outside of the home at all. I spend almost all of my time with my boys. At times, it feels like the wrong job. However, I am confident that this is exactly where God wants me to be for now. I'm glad He has given me this job, even on the days when I'm pulling out my hair and screaming bloody murder. (For example, take the day last week when ES caught several bees and trapped them in the ant-farm, then set the ant-farm on the counter in the garage. MS took the ant-farm down to look at the bees buzzing around in there. He walked off and a few minutes later, I looked over to see YS holding the tiny cap and several angry bees buzzing around him. It was a miracle that neither one of us were stung. Let me tell you, there was a fair amount of screaming that day!) I'm so glad God has it all under control! Good thing He's not counting on me to keep it under control!